My 30 day commitment

Tags

clots, factor V, healthy lifestyle, hypothyroid, Lose Weight, low carb, PE, thyroid, Weight loss

I have decided to make a commitment! I know I have said or thought of this in the past.  I know that I keep saying and failing to do it.  However, this morning I had to think long and hard about what I really want.  After gaining 10lbs over the weekend.  Yes, 10 freaking pounds.  I decided that I really can’t keep doing this.  I logically know that I didn’t gain 10lbs of fat.  It’s fluid. I have to combat against the fluid.  The ONLY thing that has worked with combating fluid was lowering my carb count.  Period! I just HAVE to do this.

I have to treat this like a drug for me.  I thought of this today.  This morning on my way to work I was like ya know, how is it I gain fluid SO much so fast?  Water or not it’s hard to swallow… Then I thought about drugs… While, I know unlike drugs and alcohol I cannot avoid food the symptoms ARE still the same.  I thought about it like drugs and thought, this would be like me taking a drug and getting upset that I got high!

I cannot expect a different result.  The facts for my body are clear.  Higher carb foods despite my calorie counts has major effects to my body.  Cheat days just can’t happen.  Because cheat days turn into multiple cheat days to cheat weeks and etc.  This is a conscious choice.  I CAN decide!  What’s more important to me?  I must have determination.  This isn’t about will power that WILL come and go there is no doubt.  It’s about being determined to live a healthier lifestyle.

I have to drop what seems unfair.  Yes, it’s unfair that some people can do a simple thing like quit soda and lose weight while I have quit far more and didn’t have the same results.  Yes, it’s unfair that I have to exercise more, Yes, it’s unfair that my body holds on to water like it will die without it.  And I am not talking about water that you drink lol.  Yes, it’s unfair that I look the way I do when I KNOW I didn’t eat myself here.  BUT ya know what?  I can’t do anything about that other than to change what I know has given me at least SOME results.

Right now this will be 30 whole freaking days!  The end goal is 90.  I thought long and hard why did I not say 90 and frankly I fear failure right now.  I want to take baby steps and just think of the first 30 days.  However, after the 90 days is up.  IF I can do this plan for a WHOLE 90 days and I DON’T see results THEN I will consult other options.

I know I have several huge risk factors with something like surgery.  It’s not something I will take lightly.  However, I NEED to be smaller.  Not for vanity but for health.  With my clotting disorder I have huge risk factors being over weight.  I MUST find a good formula to make this possible.  I have goals for myself that I want to see.  I have dreams.  I have to make a choice.  And I have.  And I will. 

It’s all in perspective

Tags

diet, fat girl, Lose Weight, low carb, paleo, Weight loss

Around this time last year I was pretty upset.  Things in my life (especially weight wise) was not going the way I expected.  I started off the year heavier than the year before despite all my efforts.  And this infuriated me to no end.

What’s funny is the other day I was reading old posts.  I wanted a comparison on where I am vs before.  The thing is.  While this year I am actually starting out heavier than even last year (despite my 10lb loss).  I am not upset at all.  Not even the least bit infuriated!

I thought about this greatly last night.  Wondering in my mind, “what has change”? And all I can come up with is its me and my perspective.  This past year, I didn’t focus hard-core on my weight.  I really started the steps on just working on myself and getting things in my life in order to be where I want to be.

While, I have had my moments about how I felt about my weight.  My life didn’t center around it.  I didn’t work out this year at all I believe and I am not upset about that (except for the wasted money on my gym membership!  Bet they love me!).  But all in all I really focused on myself this year.

I think that my feelings on my weight is proof of that.  It’s not that I don’t care that I am heavier.  I care a lot actually.  But more so, it’s not that I gained but that I am making progress.  I know gaining doesn’t look like progress to some and in the world of weight loss it’s not.

But in my mind it’s HUGE.  I am not beating myself up for past “failures”. I am taking each day as a new day and not dwelling on my past.  I can’t change it, so why stress myself on how I coulda, shoulda, woulda? It’s just not healthy.  For the longest time I felt like failure in this journey.

I have not reached no one single goal weight wise that I wanted to hit.  I have not become what I expected to be.  I hoped to be this blogger who inspired all these people.  But I realized that it’s okay that I didn’t do any of those things (well I know I have inspired some).  Because, this is all a journey.

It’s MY journey.  No one else…. My journey was about more than weight loss.  It was to show the world and mostly myself that there is more to me than just my weight!  One day I will actually believe that a 100% but for now I am happy that today I believe it more than I have ever before!

So I ask you, what obstacles did you overcome this year?  What obstacles are you looking to over come next year?

Patience

Tags

Blood Clots, Lose Weight, low carb, paleo, thyroid, water retention, Weight loss

One of the hardest things for me to learn is patience.  I am only a patient person to an extent and then it’s all out the window once that line has been drawn.  I have found that I have different levels of patience.  Like for my kids, my patience is semi high.  For grown adults?  Not so much!

For weight loss…. Not at all!  It’s a bit of a struggle to go through this process because the end scheme of things you want results and sadly we want them now.  Just a few days in and I have already found myself seeking some sort of result.  JUST DAYS IN.  It’s like seriously mind give yourself a break.

I logically know that I won’t really see any results just yet.  And honestly, I shouldn’t expect to.  I am just so ready to really be smaller.  I feel trapped.  And  I know I have said that over and over again but it’s true.  It’s how I feel!  I have a lot of pinned up fear in this process.

It’s hard for me to go a 100% because I am afraid to get 0% in return like before.  It’s a hard pill to swallow.  With my swelling going up and down at times I never know what is really a true pound loss of fat.  I mean I know many people say a lb is a lb but it really isn’t.  A pound of water isn’t the same as a pound of fat.

As someone who retains water often and easily losing a pound of water is no victory because it at this time is for sure to come back.  Trying to break through this hurdle has been a very hard one.  But I am going to try.  I have a doctor who actually IS behind me in this.  Willing to work with me and find what’s wrong.  All I have to do is try.

I just hope it’s not another failed attempt.  I know that usually with failure we find victory just these days it’s not seeming all so possible.  But to do this I still have to believe it is.  Sigh…. Like everything, I will take it a day at a time and see where I end up.  Hopefully on the otherside of smaller jeans!

Just when I was going to raise my flag

Tags

BBC News, eating healthy, health issues, Lose Weight, Love Me For Me, Weight loss

And let me tell you guys I was right…. there…. about to!

Last night I laid in bed and cried.  I have drowned myself in food which I know not to do and to my surprise even then my weight still didn’t move (that makes no sense right?).

I went to the ER on Monday because I have been having these dizzy spells that were lasting like all day long for like 4 days.  I knew I just had an IUD put in the week prior and I also know if my INR goes high I feel bad.  We found it was high recently so we adjusted my meds.

Since I was feeling somewhat better I needed to make sure it was going down (and it did) but the dizziness was still there just not as bad.  The weird part on Monday was I gained 2.5lbs in my sleep.  Like seriously weighed myself before bed woke up and bam 2.5lbs heavier? Like wtf?

So I knew it was fluid (it was) but hey giving my health history I couldn’t risk it so I went to the ER’s outpatient clinic.  I wasn’t expecting much all in all but found my self in sheer disappointment when they came back and said they didn’t know why and here take some meds over the counter.

I find out later all they did was my normal blood panel they normally do and my INR and looked into my ears.  No, “it could even be your IUD“… Just if it keeps up come back.

Then the nurse discharging me hands me the script, says it’s over the counter to which I explain I had already tried this and it didn’t help.  I get told “what do you expect me to do?” I said well, this doesn’t help.  I hoped if anything to get some kind of answer so I can stop it.

She tells me well, “some people go their whole lives with dizziness for no reason and no cure.  So just pray yours goes away.  It could be worse”.  Then said who knows maybe it’s your diet.  You should look into eating a better diet (this is without me saying a word at how I eat).  I wanted to punch here then an there.

I left in tears….

D took me to my friends work who offered to take me out but the chips didn’t stop there oh no!  We then found out while D left to pick me up from work our house was robbed.  Someone came and stole some of ours and the kids electronics.  But what bugs me the most is they stole my sense of safety.  I, no longer felt safe in my own home nor my children…. I thought, how dare they!

So the next day wasn’t much better…. I was looking In my paperwork they had this mychart thing where I can look up all my lab results.  This is where I spiraled more…. I see that when I went to the OB they only checked my thyroid (which is normal btw).  But no other hormone testing.  Nothing… Everything they tested was the same exact stuff they KEEP testing.

As if I am going to just suddenly show up with high cholesterol or diabetes so they can say nope see it’s just because you eat too much shit.  But I don’t.  Okay after that I did.  But this isn’t normal for me K.

I was done.  That was that.  My thyroid is normal, no one will look at any other possibility.  It must be me right?  How can I blog day in and day out my failure of this journey called weight loss…

And then….

This morning I get an email from a lady who says she is with the BBC News.  How she found my blog and wanted me to talk on air with some others who were like me (overweight) and to talk about if we felt we were treated differently for being overweight.

At first I didn’t want to do it.  As ironic as it sounds I know I blog but the thought of being in the spot light terrified me.  I felt like I was going to puke.  I feared I would have people who might find my blog and say mean things to me.

I would be in fact judged world-wide because I am as they say obese.

I held on to my panties and decided to take a plunge. (not literally).  It wasn’t until I was talking with these two other lovely ladies when one brought up that shouldn’t the goal be us loving ourselves?

We are trained at some point of our lives that we are not worthy unless we are thinner, fit, pretty, wear make up, dress a certain way, do our hair a certain way, talk, walk, act like how ever the society around us tells us is “normal”.

But it doesn’t make who I am… It doesn’t give someone the right to judge me or anyone else because of it.  I thought about myself in that moment.  Do I love me?  Why do I think I am not worthy?  That I am still not a beautiful person?

Why on earth did I allow society to tell me that to be beautiful I must be any one way?  Why isn’t me being ME enough?

So no! I am not waiving my flag… I am not going to focus so much on the numbers.  I am going to try to live each day doing things that make me feel good about ME.  I am a person, a human with feelings and I am worthy to be here.  Just because you can see that my body has a flaw doesn’t mean that you don’t just because I can’t see yours.

We all have flaws…. We all have struggles…. But we can’t live our lives trying to please everyone.  Living in fear, being told that we will die unless we look like this (when while yes, I know it’s true) being thin doesn’t mean I will live a long prosperous life.   Thin healthy people die everyday far before their prime.

So see me, for me….  But if you don’t I still  have to love me for me even if it’s in a shell of a body I don’t recognize.

I am going on the radio

Tags

BBC News, hormone imbalance, judgemental, Lose Weight, Weight loss

I was contacted this morning unexpectedly by the BBC News.  Someone found my blog and wanted me to talk today LIVE on the radio about how differently I am treated along with others being overweight.  If you can catch it (it will be on in like 30 minutes) you can go here to the listen now it’s after the Saudi segment.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldserviceradio/on-air

My First EVER 5K

Tags

5k, color run, exercise, fitness, Lose Weight, race, Weight loss, working out

So today was my and D’s first EVER 5k!  I won’t lie I wasn’t very excited about this race.  While I have walked the distance of a 5k before I haven’t really attempted to run one.  I knew since I didn’t really train for it I would probably walk a lot.

The Beginning

So the day began at 5am.  D and I got up and ready!  I ate some oatmeal had a little bit of coffee and we were off.  I still wasn’t feeling a 100% from the day before.  For some reason on Friday I got really dizzy and it wouldn’t go away.

By Saturday morning it seemed to be better but wasn’t fully gone.  So I decided to go.  Told D if it got too bad I just wouldn’t run.

At The Race

So we arrived at the fair grounds where the race was held at 6:30 ish am since we had a little trouble finding out where exactly to park.  It was good because it gave us time to go potty (well, D not I for I do like porta potties) and hang out for a bit.

Then they did a warm up of Zumba.  That wasn’t too bad.  I’m still not a fan of Zumba but we had fun and the lady even had D get up on the stage (totally funny).  We had a good time getting all warmed up.

Race Time

By the time it was race time I was ready to go.  A little tired actually from the zumba (which was like 45 minutes long!).  The count down begins and we were off!

I would say the first mile I kept asking myself what the hell did I agree too?  I did much to my surprise jog off and on.  By the time I was almost to the second mile to I was starting to lose my energy.  I was getting pretty thirsty at this point and tired.  I was alternating running for a minute walking for a minute.  Sometimes the walking was much longer lol.

Then I saw D past me (there was a loop around) that kind of gave me my wind to do the last mile.  Which was nice!  I kept hearing my trainer J in my head to move and run!  I even argued with him in my head (kind of funny).  By the time I got almost to the 3rd mile my feet were burning.  I realized my socks were not cut out for running (I wear them normally for bootcamp with no problems).

My shoes suck too but I already knew this.  So by the time I got close to the finish line D decided (who was already done) to meet me and he walked/jogged with me the rest of the way!  I was so glad to have him by my side.  While I was running I kept thinking how great it would have been having someone with me to push me.

The Finish

Once we hit the finish line (I have NO clue what the time was) we got poured with more color (they did this a few times during the run).  Got some chocolate coconut water (which was really good), some nut bar and water.  We got all dusted off with the leave blower (well, as dusted as we could lol).  And went home.

By the time we got home I could barely walk.  I felt pretty crappy about this honestly.  I have like 3 blisters and chafing in areas that really shouldn’t allow chafing lol.  I showered and went back to bed.

By the time we got home I was feeling pretty dizzy again.  I fought it during the run and after the run it just got worse so I knew I need to lay down. Four hours later I was up and worked a little bit and here I am now.

I still feel pretty crappy and I am sure the dizziness surely didn’t help with the run.  I can’t really say I will be doing more races.  I might I don’t know but I am not really a fan of a lot of walking/running personally.  I did learn that I really really DO enjoy more strength training.  BUT also realized that I want to be able to run a 5K straight just to know I can.

I totally feared being the biggest girl there but wasn’t.  All in all I would say it was still a good experience.  I had a few moments wondering why the heck do people do these things.  But it’s funny on the last mile I did get a surge where I was going over a minute at a time running and not even thinking about it.  At first I would count and that worked for me.  After a while I just listened to the music and ran at a slow pace.

I am glad I still did it.  But even more glad it’s over lol

So there you have it. My first 5 K.

Doctor Update

Tags

bootcamp, diet, fitness, gym, hypothyriod, Lose Weight, PCOS, thyroid, Weight loss, working out

As promised my update appointment on Friday.

The appointment:

Well, first off the appointment lasted forever!  Ugh I was there for four hours.  NOT fun!  But hey it’s Parkland so what else would one expect.

1.  To address something about how the system I get my health care works.

See, I am on what is called a community plan.  Our “local” hospital in my county has a program going by your income where you can get discounted services through them.  The downside to this care is they will only do things with in their scope OR what is “allowed”.  Of course anything medically necessary to be live is taken care of (like my INR tests).  BUT the rest it’s up to them NOT me.

I know many of you have mentioned I am paying them so I need to demand care.  I hate to say it just doesn’t work that way.  While I pay a very small fee to go they don’t work for me.  Or it sure doesn’t feel like it.  It’s like with insurance you are only limited to what your insurance covers the rest is up to you.  In this case expecting someone to go above and beyond just won’t happen because it’s not just me footing the bill.

So in the end I have to go through the flow that is until I can get on actual insurance and I have the ability to see who I want and then YES, they will be working for me essentially.  But even then you can’t always get what you want….

So now back to the appointment.

I first met with a student (teaching hospital) and then the doctor came in.  We went over everything.  Sucky thing is most if not all my issues can always be circled back to me being over weight.  It’s very difficult to get people to see that the over weight part is the symptom to something else.

I knew the routine and didn’t expect anything less.  We will check your thyroid. And go from there.  I did ask what if it was normal then what but pretty much got a big “I don’t know”.  I brought up PCOS but she was unsure since I have never had any sono’s on my cervix and so on.

Because of the issues I am having they decided to do a colposcopy to rule out cancer since I have had abnormal paps a couple of years ago and had one which read that the cells were ranked Mild for cancer.  So they wanted another look-see on that.  Wasn’t expecting to have that test done.

Then they did approve for me to have the Mirena IUD which I was very excited about.  We don’t now if it will help any of my issues but If my theory is correct it might.  Either way it’s just nice to not have to worry about babies for a while.  So I was excited about that and for that was still glad I went.

They took a few vials of blood and I go back in a month.  I hope I will at least get results on my blood work before then though.  I don’t know what all she sent off to test.  I have to say I never know what to really ask for, OR who I should really be seeing.  While she thought several things were odd it came down to what it always does start from square one and then work from there.

So the game plan?

Well, I went off the past few weeks from my eating so I am working on that this week.  The plan is to first stick to my 300-400 cals per meals/snacks and then slowly phasing out certain foods from my diet (going more clean).

I know that if I just go clean drastically I will fail.  It’s just something I know about myself but I think as a gradual change I will have more success.

So today I weighed in, took my measurements for the month.  And I will take a picture and we will see.  I am hoping the IUD will help, I know in my experience with it my PMS were better with it (I am thinking because AF is much lighter with it).  We shall see….

I did work out with the trainer Friday night.  Since I had the colposcopy I couldn’t do any heavy exercising or running for a few days.  So we did a light work out and had a great time.  His point was to show me that we didn’t have lift heavy weights OR do any running to get my heart rate up and to sweat and he was totally right!  So I am excited about that.

This week I will be working out pretty much all week.  I have my very first 5K on Saturday that I am nervous about since I have never been in one and totally didn’t train or anything.  Thank god it’s a fun run!  I keep trying to talk myself out of it lol.

I will let you guys know how it goes.

My Anniversary:

Oh and Saturday I got a hair cut, a little dressed up and D and I went out for a much needed night out on the town.  Our Anniversary was on Halloween.  We have been together for 6 years.

We went to a nice Italian restaurant and then we hit up a bar where we know a friend of his works at and hangs out on Saturdays and ended up hanging out with him most of the night.

We had a good time and ended up back home like at 4am lol It was a good night and much love to our friends who cared for M so we could go out!

Anyways so it’s Monday so tell me your goals this week!

So tomorrow is the appointment

Tags

doctor appointment, fitness, Gluten Free, gym, Lose Weight, paleo, Weight loss, working out

I have been waiting for a couple or few I don’t remember anymore for my appointment with the specialist.  I really really really hope they do a hormone panel.  I really hope they listen and while I would prefer something treatable of course and as crazy as it sounds I really hope we find something.

There has got to be an answer to all these issues and I need them.

The appointment is at 8am so I will let you guys know how it goes.  I surely hope it doesn’t turn into a wasted appointment like so many others have been.  Otherwise after this I think I will be at loss of what to do.  I think it will totally put me into a crossroads.

But I shall not try to jump a head.  I will just hold out hope they will find out what’s going on.   So until tomorrow my friends.

No Soliciting My Workout

Tags

diet, fat girl, fitness, gym, Lose Weight, Weight loss, working out

On Monday we were told to make sure we came in on Tuesday (We have bootcamp Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) because there was a surprise.  Naturally, D and I figured trainer J was going to be there.

So yesterday D and I go to the gym and sure enough we are right.  I beam like a kid on Christmas day.  I LOVE when J is there.  The class just moves along so much better when he is.  Not that trainer M is bad he just gives a different vibe.

Outside of the class someone was selling some stuff.  I didn’t look at it for I had to hurry up and get into class.  Let me say I was pumped.  Ready to go.  Ready to kick some butt. 

Until….Shortly after entering my bubble was quickly busted.  Trainer J starts talking about how he found his souls mate yada yada yada.  Long story short he introduces us to this lady whom he calls his fitness soulmate.

At first I thought oh, okay she is going to help with the class…..

WRONG! No, all the sudden we hear her “story” which was more so of a “I hurt my back and then started to eat “clean” and I love fitness and feel great.  So here are these shots that I am selling and today we would like you guys to try it before your work out and at the end of class you can check out the products and maybe make some money.”

I instantly felt my ears burning, this warmth of heat through out my body.  Are you serious???? First of all no, I didn’t take the shot.  Not because I thought it was bad but I had not even read the ingredients for heaven’s sake and well lots of stuff can mess with my meds so I have to becareful with supplements.

But even that aside I PAY to be in this class, this whole ordeal took 20 minutes of MY workout time so you could promote YOUR business?  Do what?  Let me just be frank here I was PISSED.  Like seriously pissed.

I was so disappointing in trainer J.  I have no problems with being passionate about something, but talk about it before class or after but not during the time I am paying you (the gym) to take this class!  Even if I wasn’t paying anything you are still interrupting MY workout.  It’s just RUDE!

Maybe, I over-reacted but I am still slightly annoyed even today….

THEN what really annoys the shit of me is this chick along with some dude who they didn’t introduce are taking pics of us and videos of us while we are working out.  Now, I am sure there is something in some clause I have signed saying they could do this but in that moment I was not a happy camper.

It’s one thing when I give you permission (or at least I don’t think I have) to tape me or take photos but its another when you didn’t even ask.  I don’t even know you!!!! It made me uncomfortable the whole time I was working out.  It completely turned into a HUGE distraction for me.  I did NOT like it.

Am I wrong here?  Would this annoy you too?  I mean I feel like we are solicited everywhere we go heck, even my own blog/facebook page gets it from time to time.  But I just don’t expect to ever be solicited during my workout time…

On the positive side I still did manage to get a pretty good work out in!  I am sore today so I totally did something.  AND they laid off the lunges this time so my knee’s were very thankful. I did talk to trainer M about the lunges and about us having more exercises that work those muscles that don’t compromise our knee’s because I have heard several are having issues with them.  I would so take squats over them anyday.  At my size it’s probably best that I do lol.

Anyways,  so on the topic of an annoyance in the gym what is something that has annoyed you during a workout?

 

 

 

 

What a Bore!

Tags

diet, fat gir, fitness, Lose Weight, workingout

So yesterday under the advice of my trainer I didn’t do bootcamp.  Instead I ended up doing the elliptical for a while, did some abs, arms and then the bike.  Let me tell you it was BORING.

I wouldn’t wait until I was done.  I didn’t sweat nearly anything like I do in class and just felt like I didn’t give my all because honestly I didn’t.  I hate doing floor exercises in the gym alone.

I always feel stupid and out-of-place.  It’s like I have the whole gym staring at me.  I know this is my own issue but I hate it.  I always feel like I am doing things wrong.  And always feel a bit lost.

My trainer did send me some exercises but I forgot to bring the list and so I ended up doing some that I knew from class that were upper body exercise.  Then I just did what I did pre bootcamp days.

It was not very satisfying.  I was done about 3 minutes before D was done with class.  After class the trainer (there are two) asked me where I was because he saw me before class. I gave him a run down.

The trainer then asked if I would participate in some challenge that they got our class into. Some other bootcamp class challenged ours to a tug-awar and he wanted me to come at 8am on Saturday.

To be honest I am totally NOT interested.  I told him I would let him know by Friday but he seemed shocked I wasn’t all about it.  I am thinking look dude that is the day I sleep in.  D always takes over with the little one that day and I like my freaking sleep!  Plus I have no desire to be pulled across pavement.

I have seen the girls in our class I could throw about half of them. lol He told D to just wake me up.  D goes “hey now, you know that I have live with her right?” lol.  So yeah, uh no! lol.

Anyways, nothing else to report.  Tracking with myfitnesspal this week. I only track when I really want an idea of things and so far it’s meh.  I’m in an over all meh mood.  I have a few thing to take care of today and then off to work I go.

Happy Tuesday Wednesday (boy am I off today!) everyone.  Hope you all are having a good day.