Last night I laid in bed and cried. I have drowned myself in food which I know not to do and to my surprise even then my weight still didn’t move (that makes no sense right?).
I went to the ER on Monday because I have been having these dizzy spells that were lasting like all day long for like 4 days. I knew I just had an IUD put in the week prior and I also know if my INR goes high I feel bad. We found it was high recently so we adjusted my meds.
Since I was feeling somewhat better I needed to make sure it was going down (and it did) but the dizziness was still there just not as bad. The weird part on Monday was I gained 2.5lbs in my sleep. Like seriously weighed myself before bed woke up and bam 2.5lbs heavier? Like wtf?
So I knew it was fluid (it was) but hey giving my health history I couldn’t risk it so I went to the ER’s outpatient clinic. I wasn’t expecting much all in all but found my self in sheer disappointment when they came back and said they didn’t know why and here take some meds over the counter.
I find out later all they did was my normal blood panel they normally do and my INR and looked into my ears. No, “it could even be your IUD“… Just if it keeps up come back.
Then the nurse discharging me hands me the script, says it’s over the counter to which I explain I had already tried this and it didn’t help. I get told “what do you expect me to do?” I said well, this doesn’t help. I hoped if anything to get some kind of answer so I can stop it.
She tells me well, “some people go their whole lives with dizziness for no reason and no cure. So just pray yours goes away. It could be worse”. Then said who knows maybe it’s your diet. You should look into eating a better diet (this is without me saying a word at how I eat). I wanted to punch here then an there.
I left in tears….
D took me to my friends work who offered to take me out but the chips didn’t stop there oh no! We then found out while D left to pick me up from work our house was robbed. Someone came and stole some of ours and the kids electronics. But what bugs me the most is they stole my sense of safety. I, no longer felt safe in my own home nor my children…. I thought, how dare they!
So the next day wasn’t much better…. I was looking In my paperwork they had this mychart thing where I can look up all my lab results. This is where I spiraled more…. I see that when I went to the OB they only checked my thyroid (which is normal btw). But no other hormone testing. Nothing… Everything they tested was the same exact stuff they KEEP testing.
As if I am going to just suddenly show up with high cholesterol or diabetes so they can say nope see it’s just because you eat too much shit. But I don’t. Okay after that I did. But this isn’t normal for me K.
I was done. That was that. My thyroid is normal, no one will look at any other possibility. It must be me right? How can I blog day in and day out my failure of this journey called weight loss…
This morning I get an email from a lady who says she is with the BBC News. How she found my blog and wanted me to talk on air with some others who were like me (overweight) and to talk about if we felt we were treated differently for being overweight.
At first I didn’t want to do it. As ironic as it sounds I know I blog but the thought of being in the spot light terrified me. I felt like I was going to puke. I feared I would have people who might find my blog and say mean things to me.
I would be in fact judged world-wide because I am as they say obese.
I held on to my panties and decided to take a plunge. (not literally). It wasn’t until I was talking with these two other lovely ladies when one brought up that shouldn’t the goal be us loving ourselves?
We are trained at some point of our lives that we are not worthy unless we are thinner, fit, pretty, wear make up, dress a certain way, do our hair a certain way, talk, walk, act like how ever the society around us tells us is “normal”.
But it doesn’t make who I am… It doesn’t give someone the right to judge me or anyone else because of it. I thought about myself in that moment. Do I love me? Why do I think I am not worthy? That I am still not a beautiful person?
Why on earth did I allow society to tell me that to be beautiful I must be any one way? Why isn’t me being ME enough?
So no! I am not waiving my flag… I am not going to focus so much on the numbers. I am going to try to live each day doing things that make me feel good about ME. I am a person, a human with feelings and I am worthy to be here. Just because you can see that my body has a flaw doesn’t mean that you don’t just because I can’t see yours.
We all have flaws…. We all have struggles…. But we can’t live our lives trying to please everyone. Living in fear, being told that we will die unless we look like this (when while yes, I know it’s true) being thin doesn’t mean I will live a long prosperous life. Thin healthy people die everyday far before their prime.
So see me, for me…. But if you don’t I still have to love me for me even if it’s in a shell of a body I don’t recognize.