Please check it out here Guest Feature I had the pleasure to be interviewed for the first time, I hope you enjoy and also feel free to read and check out HÉLÈNE’s blog as well it’s great! 🙂
Bare with me today I have so many thoughts in my head…. I love btw that I do it’s when I stop having things to say is when I start to get worried. First, I will start with the shoes are getting returned. They have left me with lovely blisters on the back of my ankle like the one you see in the picture (yep that’s my ankle). I am just going to go to an actual athletic store like I should have from the beginning to get a shoe that’s right for ME. Let’s face it the people at payless are not exactly shoe experts.
This is my number as of today 289 yes, I weigh daily I do so because I have a history of swelling so I have to and now it’s just habit. So my number is 289 I am finding more and more that this number is easier to say every time I say it. Why hide behind who I am. 289 doesn’t MAKE me but it is what it is. I can’t move forward until I can accept what my number is. Does it pain me sometimes to say it? Yes! It most certainly does. In fact never in my life have I been this big. I was 50lb’s less just months ago.
Is the 50 lb gain my fault? I would say yes and no. Yes, on the fact I am sure my eating did play a small part but more so yes for not making myself see a doctor sooner. Instead of fearing no one will listen to me I should have just did it anyways. (Even though no one is still really listening to me). But instead I have a 50lb gain that went undocumented. Maybe, if I was seeing a doctor regularly he/she would have been like okay, you ARE gaining quite quickly lets see what’s wrong!
No, in the fact the main cause of the gain is something to do with my body. I have weak valves, I was recovering from a c-section and also ended up with clots in my lungs. Not see easy to just bust out and bust your ass working out with those conditions. So for the most part I really don’t blame myself for the gain. The gain from 170 to 250 I will take blame. Even though it was in the cause of my thyroid I didn’t do all I could to make sure I was on my meds. That I am sure made matter worse.
I hate less than 5 yrs ago I was 170 and starting to like myself. But now I like myself just not necessarily my body. While 289 is my number it doesn’t mean I have to hate who I am. My heart doesn’t have a number, and my soul doesn’t either (well some may say it does). But all in all this number doesn’t define ME…. It is in the end JUST a number. If I am going to be more than just a fat girl, I have to be more than just a number too. They go hand in hand.
I also realized that this is the first time I have been dead serious about my weight. I really cannot remember a time where I actually TRIED this hard to lose weight before while still losing at a slow pace. I am exercising 10 times more than ever before. I track my food in take and watch my water. I have been doing these things now for almost 2 full months. Normally after a couple of weeks I am done and that’s WITH losing a decent amount of weight right off. I guess it’s true that you have to really, really have to want it and also hit that wall where enough is enough!
I have come close to the wall but at the time I wasn’t going to do whatever it took to lose the weight. Now, does that mean I will now do things I don’t think is good for my body all for weight loss? No, doing this right is important to me. I want to say that I lost 150lbs or more and I did it MYSELF. It’s not to knock those who didn’t. It’s not to say different things don’t help. I mean If I have to take something that jump starts my metabolism then that’s okay, there is a huge difference in using and AIDE and finding a quick fix without fixing YOU first!
I also learned as I posted before I am a big time emotional eater. If I get upset or mad I got from bad foods FAST. It’s my comfort. Funny how FOOD becomes a hug! Growing up my family was never affectionate therefore neither am I. So food was my affection. I hated food in a sense growing up because it made me chubby so I starved myself ALOT. But still never was “skinny” I wasn’t “fat” either though. I hate that I listened to the words of others and I hated that my parents didn’t encourage a healthy lifestyle instead commented on my “flaws”. I hate that I had NO faith in myself.
I look at the old me and it makes me so very sad. I have always been the sad and depressed one for the most part. Funny thing is I HATE it. I WANT to be happy. I just feel every time I am it’s for a short period of time and then it’s gone again. What makes zero sense is how is being sad and depressed any better? Kind of like the saying better to be loved and lost then not loved at all. I avoid happiness at times in fear of feeling the loss so if I stay in loss I don’t feel that extra disappointment (which I have had A LOT of disappointment in my life!). But so has tons other people in this world. I really do believe that life is what you make it and crappy things just happen!
Things won’t be always be rosy and when you get a happy times just enjoy it because happy doesn’t always stay. It’s okay too, to feel sad. I don’t know why we are so against being sad and negative. Sure everyday all day it’s not good for you, but sometimes you just need to be sad, mad or depressed. These are feelings too! Don’t ignore them but also don’t wallow in them either! All of this is a process. Weight loss is just as much mental as physical. Like I know many who bribe themselves which, I am a HUGE believer in what works for you!
For me bribes don’t work. I don’t think there is much that is worth it for me if I just don’t want to do it. So for me what keeps me motivated and again this is just ME is just being able to look in a mirror, to look at my body and SMILE…. I want THAT. I want to feel happy in my own skin. I want the beauty inside to shine to the outside. I want to feel good, healthy and look it too! I want that sense of accomplishment that I DID IT! I won the race! I got off my butt, I did what needed to be done and I DID IT! THAT motivates me. Sure my children and family have been a factor. But I have to do this regardless of them too… What if they were not here would it be acceptable for me to be 289 the rest of my life? NO! it’s not… I DO have to do this for ME.
This isn’t vain. This is doing something that is good for you BODY. We only have ONE! I don’t get a second try if I fail this body out so I have to take care of it. I can’t allow this to be about others, when I make it about others then it’s not personal, if it’s not personal I will most likely go back to my old ways when things “change”. Changes happen a lot but I will always be in this body. This is MY journey. Not theirs. They may help inspire me to go on BUT I am why I am doing this! This is MY number so it’s up to ME to change that number if I don’t like it.
First we shall start with I will be using my weigh in yesterday morning for today… Not because of the Mexican food I ate last night which no doubt I am sure effected my scale BUT more so because um the monthly hag came to visit (sorry guys) lol. So if you are a woman I am sure you understand. Really no point in weighing to get upset when the number doesn’t actually reflect true gain. Anyways so as of yesterday I am now down 4.6lbs That is a total loss of 1.2 pounds I believe from last week! While, I am not exactly happy with this snail speed of loss so early in the game I have to remind myself that my thyroid is regulating and my body is still healing from the PE and so many other things…. So I will still take bliss that I LOST and didn’t GAIN. That is a whole week of NO regaining what I just lost! Awesome!
Now, on to my day! Yesterday was very much a busy day. Got up made Derrick and I breakfast and then around lunch time got the kids from their dads for family pictures. Of course nothing ever goes as planned. I made the mistakes to buy my oldest some shoes for her dress without taking her with me since they were on sale at Payless. Needless to say they didn’t fit. GREAT! Off to the store we go with 2 hrs and counting until we had to leave for pictures. At the store NOT ONE stinking pair of shoes I was willing to pay for (look I refuse to pay 20 bucks for some sandals!) fit her! Two more stores later STILL nothing. I tell her she will have to deal with the black flip-flops that were a tad bit too small when we get home… So back home we go with an hour and counting now…..
Get home to have the baby POOP on the clothes she is supposed to wear for pictures! Figures! Derrick cleans her up for me and throws the clothes into the wash! I go into the girls room sure there has to be more shoes, and have a mini freak out over their room. I DO However, find a pair of shoes and insist now when we get home the room must be cleaned! ugh, kids and messes! We are now at 30 mins and counting and I still haven’t gotten dressed, fixed my hair OR done makeup! ugh! SO I get dressed, Quickly do my hair at which I am not very pleased with, grab M’s clothes out of the dryer that are still a bit damp (figured its a park she will dry off if anything a little coolness never killed anyone!) M didn’t mind! So now we get everyone out the door and on to the park…. I almost forget the purse I BELIEVED had all my make up….. Only to have us drive off, look in the purse to remember I switched purses and all that I have in the purse was a few items, consisting of just mascara, lipstick and a little eye shadow. Ugh, NO foundation, nothing… So had to make due with just that!
In the car heading to get our pictures done!
My son after we got done
M smiling AFTER we got our pics done and were heading home!
Pictures I think still went great, though my normally camera loving baby turned in to a who the heck are you taking picks of me and what the heck kind of camera do you have there in my face lol…. BUT we did get her to smile 🙂 and the older kids did great! After we are finished with that I find the “hag” showed her face, really now!!!! 10 days late and she comes on picture day! Thank god for black dresses! Back home we go! Finally get home and settled by this point it’s 7pm. I had promised my middle daughter a date night. Two weeks prior I took the kids to have some blood work done to see if they also have any blood disorders like me and while on our way to eat a lunch together two of the older three decided to complain and be a bit on the selfish side… So we didn’t go out and they ate lunch at home. Since K didn’t complain I promised her a night with mom. So off we went. Destination Mexican Food. I haven’t had Pancho’s since I was pregnant and before that it had a been a LONG while. I wasn’t going to worry about calories or whatnot tonight. It’s just me and my girl! BOY was that a crazy thing to do. I was STUFFED heck beyond STUFFED! Is there even a word for that? I was miserable. defiantly one of those night likes when you drink way too much and you are hovering over the porcelain bowl saying you will never drink again! THAT kind of stuffed! It was good of course but yeah, can’t be doing that! Luckily these trips are not often!
K at Dinner with me 🙂
After Dinner K and I went to Kroger to pick up some formula, some chicken for Derrick and some Greek yogurt…. Ah the greek yogurt. See I bought this big container of plain greek yogurt at good ole wally world… I open it yesterday morning to find MOLD in it! Ugh, I don’t think I have ever returned food before but this container was almost 6 bucks so yeah I am returning it. Wait in line for like 20 mins with K before we headed out for dinner, to find that I wasn’t the only one who returned it. Cashier makes a note how I am the second who has returned the exact product. And also says something about the power going out and the freezers stopped working for a bit. Wow that’s comforting….. I also point out the date on the product which stated MARCH 12th! It’s the 25! So refunds the money no questions asked! So I decided to then just get the yogurt at Kroger which is where I normally shop for my food since it’s right by my house. Get the yogurt. K and I go home unload. I go to put it in the fridge and as I was talking to Derrick thought I should check the date! Low and behold the date is MARCH 21st! First walmart NOW Kroger too! WTH? Ugh! So now I have to return that too. So beyond annoyed…..
Anywho! So that was my day yesterday! Today I have to get my good ole INR checked. Going to see if they can do the additional blood work my doctor wanted if not I guess I will go after I get done with the INR to do it….. Then in like two weeks or so I am supposed to have a follow-up. I am going to ask to see a different doctor this time though. I didn’t like the coo koo lady I had last time! Tell me that you can’t expect to eat 1500 cals a day weigh a ton and without much exercise you won’t lose weight… Shut up, I have lost over 60 pounds a few years ago and didn’t exercise at all and ate more cals then that! Roll eyes…. So also ordered an echo which I refuse to go to because I had JUST did one a month prior and it was fine, including the two previous ones the months before, there was no reason for it the others were done while in hospital out of precaution and I was declared the month prior my heart was fine! And it has been! So no read the results and then we can test! Besides she ordered a chest x-ray which that I did, if there was a cause of concern it would have shown in that. Since I never got a call I am assuming all is well (I hope lol). Luckily I am feeling better and better by the day so I am certain things are finally normalizing! yay! So that’s that…. well gotta start getting ready so I can leave in a hr for my appointment! Until tomorrow 🙂
Day one of the 30 day shred is DONE! Now I only got 25 mins into the 30 mins total (got a phone call) I had to modify a few places with the modifications I learned from bob on the biggest loser (suck it Jillian I modified anyways lol) BUT I didn’t quit (well until the phone rang which at that point we were fixing to start cool down anyways!) So I declare this a small victory. It was not only my 1st day of the shred BUT it was my first big work out since the PE! I haven’t done anything but walking since I left the hospital! Feels good! Now I just have to take a shower!