All of my life I very much felt like an outsider. I never felt that I really belonged anywhere. There were a few small number people in my life who were my people and that was it. My bubble was small. I liked it that way for many reasons but the biggest one was that I trusted my bubble.
Too many times in life I was fooled by people who pretended to care, love or even friend me to find out they would say horrible things about me behind my back. This even went as far as my own family. I wasn’t a bad child and this isn’t to sugar coat anything by all means but I really wasn’t.
If I were to say anything about myself that I could blame was that I was just too negative. I allowed all those bad things that people would say to drive me to conceal within myself. You can’t get hurt if you don’t let people in right?
The problem is I have carried this mentality over into adulthood. Constantly, I am wondering “do they like me?” “are they talking bad about me?” “are they just pretending to like me?” I don’t want to be a “fool”. As I felt many times.
My ah-ha moment was this past weekend. I realized that I started to cut a lot of people out of my life. I mean A LOT… Online mommy friends you name it. Now, I don’t regret taking many off of FB, I still stand by that for me that’s a place for my closest of friends/family. BUT I realized by my own insecurities I am limiting myself greatly.
Now, I still have no clue how to really get these negative thoughts out of my head by all means. BUT I see it. Maybe, Just maybe people don’t see the things I think they see or feel the things I think they feel about me. Maybe, it’s just me feeding that crap to myself?
How does one just trust that when someone says they like they, that they really DO like you? I think being in a world where you see so many two-faced people it can be hard to know for sure, and like most people I don’t like to be painted a fool. But at the same time I can’t keep living my life worrying about what other people think.
Do I think I am a bad person? Nope! Do I think I am unworthy to have people in my life to love me? Nope! I don’t….. I just don’t know how to trust. I know it’s not fair believe me but it’s a process. Just like realizing that even in my 30’s I still feel like a teenager in highschool feeling judged daily for everything people see. It’s alot to carry.
These are things I feel are holding me back in so many things in life. How does one become confident in themselves? To allow even those who maybe two-faced to roll off your back but still allow to acceptance of others without feeling jaded? This is something I really don’t know yet for certain but willing to try to see what I can do to over come it 🙂
Even in my 30’s I see myself still growing and learning. I don’t think it really ever stops. I think one of the best things in life is to really get to know YOU! So I ask you, do you know you?