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0210131536It has been probably close to a year now since I have been to the gym.  I can’t tell you the exact day I stopped for good although, I believe it was in January of this year but I do know I stopped.

I did so for many reasons.  1. The class I loved was starting to cause me physical pain.  My knee’s would kill me each class.  2. I was so over this whole losing weight thing.  I felt it was failing me and was so tired of busting my ass to not get results and 3. I didn’t know what to do there.

I know it’s silly but lets talk three because this is my main reason now for not going back to the gym.  I don’t know what to do there?  I mean who really says this?  My husband all the time says it’s simple just google or you tube.  But it’s not so simple for person like me.

I am full of insecurities and perfection.  I want to do things right but don’t always want to feel dumb doing them.   At one point I LOVED the gym.  Because I had a place.  Now with that place gone (the class ended) and all is left is stupid Zumba (sorry Zumba fans but it’s just NOT for me). I feel left with nothing.

Just a hamster on a wheel.  Which doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

I have this urge sometimes, to just go and do it.  D will always go with me but we are in such different places fitness wise it’s like I am still alone even when he is there.  He does free weights which is a world that almost terrifies me right now.  He isn’t getting the results he wants and like a bad wifey that makes me not really want to listen to what he has to say on what I should do lol.

So each month I pay this membership.  Granted it’s a small fee of 20 dollars a month but still 20 bucks adds up over a course of a year.  So why is it I still have the membership?

I think the biggest part is walking into the gym and feeling some how a failure.  I don’t know why because it’s not like I don’t plan to ever do no exercise ever OR that I can’t exercise outside the gym.  But more so I think it’s my expectation.  Mine was to rock that membership and show that gym who’s boss… Well, I sure showed them didn’t I? Just another statistic right?

The other part is I am hoping some class or something will just come along and I am like awesome!  I want to try that!  At this point I need to stop holding my breath.  I am turning blue!

But lastly, I think it’s because I know that one day something may happen and might just say I want to go to the gym.  Why I can’t just restart in my mind is beyond me?  I guess it’s the thought of paying the fee’s when I just paid my year fee 6 months ago.  But all in all it’s because I think apart of me may not be done with the gym.

Maybe, I just need a gym buddy?  Someone who is on the same terms as myself?  Someone who doesn’t mind taking an hour out of their day to work out with me?  Maybe, I do need to just suck it up and drag my ass there?  Watch some video’s and get over my self conscious ways?  (although, I think that would will still take time).

Or maybe just do it… As the marking ad says?  Either way, I waste my 20 bucks a month which I am sure each month makes my husband cringe.  I know that part of him wants me so bad to join his circle once again.  Which in return tends to anger me but that’s for another post.  But I’m just not there… I’m just not ready.

So There sits my lonely membership on my key chain…. Just desiring to be used.  One day my friend…. One day…..