to-inspireOne of the main reasons I started my blog is because deep down I wanted to inspire other people.  I was for certain that the main reason why I wasn’t losing weight was purely because I just wasn’t doing all the right things.

While, I still question if I have to the fullest I have to admit I have been quiet disappointment in this journey.   The odd thing is while yes, I am disappointed at the lack of loss over the past 2 1/2 years, the part that bothers me the most is the fact I failed to inspire like I wanted to.

I started blogging because I wanted to give people hope.  The thought of doing some that could move people to be apart of something with me was amazing.  I wanted to be that girl.  The one with her before and after photo’s saying if I can do this so can you!

But my journey has been far different from what I have ever dreamed.  I didn’t expect this journey to be as difficult as it was.  I didn’t expect to care so much about failing my readers around me.  Or failing myself.

It’s hard to explain really.  But the feeling of wanting to inspire doesn’t feel like it comes from a selfish point of view.  While, yes me getting gratification from it could be deemed selfish I am also human.  And I find no fault in enjoying helping others.  But what it feels like for me is being able to give people hope.

I wanted so hard to believe, to make others believe that I didn’t take in account what if this doesn’t go as planned?  Because here was my problem, I was still sorta doing something for someone else.  I feel like while it’s nice to have inspirations, or things to look forward to.  That ultimately this has to be JUST ABOUT YOU!

I can honestly say at times this journey isn’t for me.  I can’t say that society hasn’t played a role in my feelings.  I cannot say that if plus size woman were worshiped I would be writing this blog today.

I do realize these things can be superficial.  But this does beyond my physical appearance.  I do want to be around to see my grand children.  I do honestly want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

There are so many things about being a Plus size woman who many don’t understand.  Some even some plus size women don’t understand.  I will telling living in a 200lb body doesn’t compare to a 300lb body (and I am sure the same goes for other sizes too).  It’s amazing how much my body has changed at 300lbs.

I struggle with this journey and I probably will for the rest of my life.  But I guess I have to see that even in this journey I never inspire a soul that I did this for ME so I could feel more like ME!  Inspiration is wonderful but self-worth is amazing!