So a little back ground, I was raised by my aunt and uncle since I was 6 months old.  Two years after I was born my birth mother had another child, my sister… My sister is the only child my mother had custody of.  There are three of us total that were given up all for different reasons.

Growing up even though I wasn’t raised with my sister I felt very much close to her.  I longed for her.  When I became an adult I felt like nothing will stop us now.  There wasn’t anything holding us back from being super close.

But, that just never happened.  Every few years I would express my want to have her more in my life, she would agree and then two years later it was a wash, rinse and repeat.  I really just start accepting this was our relationship.  I had to accept I would never have that sister who was also my best friend.

So like pretty much every year my sister invited D and I to her birthday party.  Her birthday is near Halloween so her parties are usually Halloween themed.  The last birthday party of hers I went to was when I was newly pregnant with my youngest daughter who is now three.

It didn’t go so well.  Long story short, I felt very ignored, left, cried and called it a day.  Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  I decide to try again.  So D and I dress up and drive out to her new home an hour away.  I won’t lie, apart of me wasn’t sure about this.  Because the thing is, I am not like her OR her friends.

They are all athletic, pretty, young, and still what seems to be full of life.

These are not horrible traits.  But let’s face it.  I am NOT the life of the party.  My sister is the girl with a smile on her face.  Like to the point I almost fear the day she just blows up.  To me this seems so unnatural.  Which is messed up in itself.  But to me I feel like happiness isn’t the only feeling we all feel.  But for her it’s who she is.  It’s one of the things I envy about her.

She looks so happy with her friends and they all adore her.  Rightfully so, she is a lovely person. So I go.  I think to myself this will be different.  But it wasn’t.  I found myself slipping into my ways.  I am not a social person.  I feel very uncomfortable around people I don’t know well.  What’s worse is people I don’t really have anything in common with.

I felt quickly like the black thumb.  The person who didn’t fit.  I saw her talking with her friends and eventually I was alone.  Alone and it felt like no one cared.  The problem is, I made it about ME… I still struggle on the right thing to do.  Yeah, it was hurtful to see my husband laugh (who is a really loud laugher) and her girlfriends make faces or roll their eyes.  Yeah, that didn’t make me wanna go right over there and chat it up.

But I also had to think about what I was presenting to everyone.  Did I make MYSELF inviting.  The fact is, I can’t change who her friends are.  But I could have tried more.  Instead I sat in my car for over an hour chatting with my BFF trying not to cry and screaming in my head, I JUST WANT TO GO HOME!

The problem was it wasn’t my day.  If I knew that the party thing wasn’t my thing that’s okay.  I could have done things differently.  Maybe offered something more intimate instead?  If my sister declined at least I tried to meet somewhere in the middle.  I tried to still acknowledge her with out me having to feel so uncomfortable.

I imagined at that time if it was reversed.  While, I would have never allowed my sister to sit in her car for an hour and never checked on her, and while my friends would have done everything possible to make her feel welcomed and warm, I had to realize that I and my friends are not her and her friends.  I can’t compare the two.  Right or wrong.

It was a set up and I see that now.  Maybe, it’s just as weird for her too?  Maybe, she just doesn’t know what to do?  This was her way of making an effort? I don’t know but I do know that it was my sister’s birthday and instead of celebrating I sulked in a car and made it about me and what I wasn’t getting.

There is a time and place for that.  I am not a child.  It was a childish thing to do.  I can’t say I would have had fun and I am sure I wouldn’t have either way.  I am as much as I want to be, I am not like them.  And that is OKAY. I just should have made it more about her OR just didn’t come.  I took the whole night comparing what I would of done that I forgot she isn’t me.

She wouldn’t do things like me.  So for that.  I am sorry for making it about ME.  It wasn’t the day to do so.  While, I would love to really have a sister in my life, It wasn’t the day to protest about it.  I couldn’t expect to magically have this moment.  I don’t know what I expected but I do know a lot of my issues were my own and my own insecurities.

So yeah, I was the biggest person there, Yeah, I was one of the oldest, yeah, I have four children, and yeah I’m not athletically thin but doesn’t mean that people won’t like me because of it.  I didn’t open myself up and because of that I probably closed another door of possibilities.   So for that I am sorry… Sometimes growing up you still forget that it’s not all about you.  That and life it’s a fairy tale.  It’s messy, it’s sometimes dysfunctional but it’s not impossible to have happiness through it all.  So I admit I was a crappy sister… And to my sister I am sorry for that.  Happy Belated Birthday, I am sorry I was such a sour puss! I hope despite my actions you did still have a great birthday!

Love,
Your Crappy Sister!

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