victoryI believe to be successful in life you MUST have goals.  Short term, mid-term and long-term goals.  I have lots of goals, from my family life, marriage life (which I have started a new blog about), to yes, of course my weight loss.  I even set work goals.  I am one of those “goal oriented” people.  The problem with them is really the follow through.  I think this is partly because I set such big goals.

Big goals are good.  I think it means you don’t dream small!  And believe me, I don’t dream small!  But, the problem is anything big takes a bunch of small steps in between.  This has been a process I have been slowly learning.  I think this is where the whole patience is virtue thing comes into play?  Patience is NOT one of my stronger points…  As I get older I find I get more and more of it but like everything “it’s all a process”….

This year think I was a little hopeful and then it went to discouraged and then from there to feeling completely defeated.  I won’t lie.  A part of me felt that I was done with this journey.  I really felt like I need to accept this is my “new” body.  That doctors will not be able to help and if they couldn’t find out what was wrong, maybe it was me.  Because, I couldn’t figure out the solution on my own and I was ready to just give up.  Not because I didn’t want to lose weight or to be healthier.  But because it was tearing me apart.  This journey was causing me so much pain inside.  I felt like it wasn’t healthy.

So I stopped…

caution

I stopped going to the gym, I stopped watching everything I ate.  And yes, I gained (not much honestly), but, I still wasn’t happy.  I know losing weight will not cure everything.  Truthfully, I don’t expect it to.  I just want to feel like “me”.  Which I personally don’t.  I see my face and that’s me but my body still feels very foreign to me.

I needed a change.

I wasn’t sure at first what to do?  Do I do the elimination thing again?  I mean, that did help but I won’t lie it’s hard to do long-term.  I know the saying anything worth while isn’t easy.  But, I live in the real world and here in my world I don’t expect everything to always be easy but I know me…. And the me I know needs to have some easy once in a while.  That life style just wasn’t getting any easier lol.  I bow to those who can do it….

So I knew I had to do something different.  I knew all the things I have tried that have failed.  But I kept looking at old photo’s and then the photo’s I have been slowly getting of the wedding and one thing rang true that even though I don’t weigh much different from I did months to years ago I looked healthier, happier, and oddly enough thinner when I was working out.  I can actually tell by photos when I was working out vs when I was not.

It’s amazing really.  I doubt others can see it, but I sure could!  So, I thought to myself. “Self, why are you being so stubborn”? The answer was, I was just mad.  I was mad at the process.  I felt like why should I work out if I wasn’t getting results.  But that’s where I was wrong!  I was getting results.  It just wasn’t exactly the results I wanted at the time.  So then I thought, well, what can I do to be happy.  I knew that working out tend to make me feel really good about myself.  I felt stronger.

For months I had fallen victim of wasting my money on a monthly gym membership I wasn’t using.  In reality it wasn’t that I didn’t want to go.  Many times I did.  I just knew a few things:

1.   After doing boot camp and loving it so much the thought of working out on a treadmill again made me feel like a hamster in a caged wheel!

2.  I didn’t trust myself to do weights properly on my own and while D offered to help I could see he wasn’t getting the results he too wanted and thought well if he isn’t getting results then how can he give me results.

3.  I just didn’t know what I wanted to do at the gym.

4.  I was embarrassed for giving up

I know it may sound silly or even like excuses.  But the thing is I am a planner.  I like to know what I am doing, how to do it, and all the lovely details.  But if you just throw me at the gym with no guidance I feel like a lost puppy.  Not to mention lately D has been working out for like 2 hours at a time when he goes and well, I really don’t want to be in the gym that long!  So I had to figure something out for myself.

I knew that running is something I shouldn’t do much of.  However, I thought to myself doctors have sucked at telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.  I have this burn to run, even though I hate running and I didn’t know why other than I should be running.  I also knew how miserable I was during my first 5K.  I seriously couldn’t understand WHY people do these races while I was running the race.  I also didn’t understand how I could walk 4 plus miles a day for quite some time and yet during the 5K I felt like I was hit by a truck!

What I failed to do which is what ever runner told me to do and I thought in my know it all self mind that, I could do this without training!  Boy was I dumb.  So yes, folks those of you who told me to train and I fought you, I am telling you right now, YOU WERE RIGHT!  I hate admitting when I am wrong, but I will and so there… lol.  But you were.  I knew after my first 5k that there is a huge difference in walking 4 plus miles and trying to actually run a 5K.

This is for many reasons:

1.  You get competitive and you try to “over do it”

2.  You don’t want to be the last person

3.  You are so pumped at the time being around so many people and the atmosphere you feel like you could run a 10k or heck a half marathon until you get to like your first .6 mile and you are like wtf was I thinking??? Can someone give me a wheel chair and push me the rest of the way?  Sigh, lesson learned.

running

So being the planner that I am I needed a plan!  I had been following my photographer friend Stefani who has been posting her fan page about her progress.  for a while and she was doing the C25K.  Each photo I felt more and more inspired.  I have many running friends.  For some reason it was her that inspired me.  I liked the app she was using, so I looked it up and thought about trying it out myself.  As I mentioned in my post here the process.  I finally took the plunge and started!

I knew with the running program I would be running just 3 days a week, I still had other days to fill with some kind of activity.  With my thyroid it’s important that I actually do some time of work out daily.  Typically, this also means I have to do more than what the average person has to do as well.  But remember, this is a process and in this process I have to stop comparing.  So, my journey will be harder, so what? I will survive it!  So I knew I had to come up with the rest.

Week one is easy focus JUST on the running.  I don’t want to over load myself and get too excited.  So my goal for week two (which is this week)…. Is to venture back into the gym.  I haven’t decided yet what I want to do just yet.  I have thought about going back to boot camp but doing it only twice a week or so.  But I am not sure yet at this point.  I won’t lie, apart of me is embarrassed.  Having to come back, look the same, been gone for months.  I just expected more of myself and I let me down and I guess I feel like I let my little gym rats down too :(.

Logically, I know they are just happy I would be back.  It’s my own demons I am really fighting and my own insecurities! Don’t let YOU beat you down! Which is what I was doing.  My other goal this week is eating.  It’s a simple go.  Make smarter choices and consciously pay attention to what I put in my mouth.  I am not going to count a darn thing right now and won’t say I won’t in the future, just like I won’t say I won’t weigh in ever.  But right now this week…. My goal is just simple.  Run, workout and think about what I eat before I eat it… Simple, easy, goals!

So what’s your goals this week?  

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