I am very much a pessimistic type person or as I call it a “realist”, D on the other hand is the optimist. He (like most men) have the eh, it will work out attitude. While, deep down I am awe of this ability…. To just as the song on frozen says, “Let it go” it’s just NOT that easy for me to do. I have been faced with a lot in my life and yet, I know deep down it still pales in comparison to probably millions of others. Except, even saying so it doesn’t take away any pain, stress, or fears I still may have. Just because I know someone has it worse than me doesn’t mean that I am not still justified in my own feelings.
I have struggled a lot with my life and I think if I were to ever pin point my weight to something or someone which btw I do think is far more than just a “mental issue” I would say that it comes down to I FEAR happiness. I try not to fear it, I really do, but it’s still there. I fear it because I know something bad is literally around the corner. It’s like I can’t escape it and I am destined to not have a longer term happiness in my life. So I try to trick myself and think, Enjoy this happiness and the bad will come but happiness comes back. Which, is true it does.
However, it would be nice if the happiness stuck around a little longer. I feel like the bad sometimes outweighs the good. Don’t get me wrong there are things in my life I am still happy and thankful for. Like D and the kids. It’s just hard to not want more. It’s hard to not be like okay, so, I am in this place and while it’s not the worst place I have been in I would like to have more but every time I strive for more I fall. I fall and most times than not it’s not by my personal doing. It’s just stuff that happens. But when it does my world crashes down and I am asking god why? What plan is this and please, for the love of god, just tell me where the heck do you want me? Because, I am frankly confused…..
A little about me for those who don’t know, I grew up being raised by my aunt and uncle. All my life I knew them as “mom” and “dad”. They swore they told me about them taking custody of me from the start but I swear I had no clue until I was about 7 to 8 years old when I one day went up to my mom while she was doing dishes said “You’re not my mom are you?” I had them tell me the story (which is NOT a fairytale mind you) about how they got me over and over again.
Ironically, I was fascinated. I think deep down because apart of me was just glad that my parents were not actually my parents. Don’t get me wrong I loved my parents and was very much for a long time a daddy’s girl but my mother she wasn’t always very nice. I remember growing up being hit by wooden boards, CPS involved in my life twice, mental abuse, physical abuse, I was taken advantage of by two men by the time I was 16 and one being my step dad someone who was supposed to protect me.
For years I wanted to die. I even tried to do so when I was about 16 with my best friend at my house. Note: taking a 100 tablets of extra strength Tylenol will do nothing but make you puke! My mom didn’t take anything strong (thank god!). I knew that others had it worse. I even read a book that was a true story where a boy and his sister were severely beat, their mom would gas them with bleach and pneumonia, lock them in rooms and I would think my life wasn’t *that* bad. But still, my life wasn’t *that* good either.
It’s hard to sometimes be allowed to feel. I feel sometimes the world only wants you to feel good. It’s funny because we always say misery likes company. And my thoughts are, of course it does…. we all do…. Even happy people want to be around happy people. It’s because we all want to feel like we are not alone in the good and the bad. Because it makes us feel “normal”. Even if you still don’t feel that way….
My childhood landed me in the arms of my ex husband. That lead to more mental abuse which was slowly immersing into physical abuse. We were both young, dumb, and both emotionally unstable people. Just as he fought I was right there in his face willing to fight. I didn’t always cower. But eventually I did. Eventually, the words got the best of me they pierced deep into my soul to the point I began to believe them. I began to feel worthless and useless. I began to wonder why would god put someone here to purposely suffer, why people would call me selfish for wanting to die and yet I felt they were selfish for wanting to keep me in pain and alive.
I fought for my marriage even through it all. Even through the abuse, temporarily staying at a shelter and all the other crap I put up with. I felt my kids deserved it. It wasn’t until two things were thrown at my head in a two-week period when I realized I didn’t want my children to think this was okay. I didn’t want them to think THIS is marriage. I HAD ENOUGH! I took what little self-worth I had (which wasn’t much) and I left. I stupidly thought leaving my ex would solve all my problems.
But hey, I felt like I was Eeyore ya, kind of always walking around with a dark cloud. Rain was always soon to follow. Event after event from my car breaking down, getting my first car, losing my apartment, finding D (which was good), to us getting a great home to both us losing jobs months with in each other a week before school was to start, having my kids living with their dad, to losing every.single. thing….. We lived in a motel for 8 months, I rode a bus for two hours there and back every day, I worked on call at night and weekends, and I loved my job!
I worked hard for what I had and Derrick worked hard too! We bought a van, got a house and my kids came back who were temporary with their dad until I got my stuff together. Getting divorced, I think made both of us grow up. My ex and I get a long much better these days. His anger isn’t nothing what it was. Good did come. But it felt like it wasn’t enough! I felt like just as I would get into a place where things were good something followed!
a few months after getting our house, car and kids I was once again let go from work. It was a HUGE shock. and we thought to ourselves how will we get through this, We found out about a clot I had and I was taking off birth control and then a few months later our daughter was conceived. I didn’t understand. As much as I wanted her I was so mad to be pregnant with her. Now, I hate that, because she has been such a wonderful blessing to our lives but then I just honestly feared I couldn’t give her all that I wanted!
Then we gave birth which followed with pulmonary edema, I started to drown literally in fluid to the point my heart swelled and was going to stop working. Ya know how they say people tend to know when they are going to die? I felt that. I knew I was going to die. If it wasn’t for my c-section busting open and me being rushed to the hospital, if it wasn’t for that doctor who said “is there anything else I can help you with” going by them I would have been dead that night. The thing is, that day before the c-section opened I told D just that, I was going to die!
6 months later I ended up with clots in my lungs, we found out I had a blood disorder and I was the heaviest I have ever been. I had no insurance and a hospital that doesn’t have the best rep on preventive care! But still deep down a part of me tried to be optimistic. I pushed through, I fought, I really tried to believe….. I even started planning our wedding. D kept telling me, don’t worry it will work itself out. And here we are three weeks from it and yet, financially, I am like how am I going to pay this last bit off that is due the day of??? My new job which I love may not pan out, D hates his job and has grown angry.
And all I want…. ALL I want is to just be HAPPY! I think to myself is THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? Not just happy but happy for while, a year, give me a year a year of freaking bliss and a few bumps…. That’s all I ask or well, maybe a few years. A decade just a damn break for heaven’s sake. Each time I grow, I do and I feel it. And I am sure deep down somewhere that is the freaking purpose. Why I must have to have shit thrown at me left and right and I have to fight and push through while others have what it feels like so easy is beyond me.
And again I am sure someone, somewhere out there is thinking how “easy” my life is too. How they would trade for mine and maybe they would. Hey, the grass is always greener on the other side right? But shit man, something has GOT to give! I struggle a lot. It’s why I haven’t been here, why I haven’t been blogging. I am dealing with so much. Like the death of a best friend. I had friend who I have known for YEARS. Even though we lived in other states and had only met in person once she was one of my “persons”.
I was closer to her than a lot of people in my life who was right here. She as well as two other friends were my people! They were all I had (well, not counting D and the kids of course!). Then she moved close me. I was so excited but she got sick. Really sick, and mean. She didn’t care anymore and honestly, I didn’t even know she was AS sick as she was. I knew it was bad. She was supposed to stand with me on my wedding day, the one I am having in three short weeks. She was supposed to be there! However, in October things were just not looking well.
I finally sent her a message on Facebook. I know a call would have been better and I did try to call. But she couldn’t talk on the phone most days or didn’t. But Facebook, she was always there. So I told her how much I loved her and how we felt it was better she came as guest. See the thing was, I really didn’t want to be a bitch. How do you tell your sick friend, so I know you are sick and all but about your dress…. I knew my poor friend who for months basically lived in a hospital couldn’t buy a dress or do any of the wedding activities. Deep down I feared too this would hurt her. To not be apart of everything. I *thought* having her as guest would take some pressure off. I was wrong.
She grew upset, no, she grew angry. She got mad and refused to come to the wedding but worst of all she refused to be my friend. I was mad, I told her how I felt, things I held inside, how she was no longer there for me, how when I was sick she wasn’t there. How I missed my friend and I felt she failed me. I told her how I felt. And I lost my friend that day. Our friendship was through. I told her I would still invite her, and if she didn’t come that was on her. I told her that I loved her I just wanted my friend.
I didn’t know I was going to ACTUALLY lose my friend. In March my friend died. Seeing her in the casket was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I wrote her a letter and left it with her. I told her everything I felt and how sorry I was, how MAD at her I was for pushing me away, ending our friendship, how I would have been there right by her side, holding her hand in her last days. I WOULD OF BEEN THERE! She wouldn’t let me. She was gone and I can never talk to her again.
I think about her often. I cried for her yesterday at lunch… I cry for her often even as I write this post. A song will play, or something will pass that will remind me of her and my eyes will swell with tears. She has no idea how much I really do miss her. How I really did love her. How I knew I too failed as a friend. It hurt. She was one of the first people who I cared deeply about who has passed. Her body haunts me. I see her there in the casket and I just… I just wish I could call her, talk to her, and hear her crazy ass because omg she is crazy. But I can’t.
It’s all SO consuming….. Day to-day dealing with everything. Pushing through when I am thinking damn, I would just like to hide away for a while. Just get away from it all. To just freaking BE!
But as always, I will pick myself up and keep going. Slowly and surely, I will start this fight to get out of this fat suit, I will find away to be that midwife, I will find away to make my family even more stable, and do things with them. I will find away to keep going because well, my kids depend on me to do so. And yeah, because it could be worse. It could always be worse. and if anything it all just teaches ME to just be more patient. I surely hope the whole good things come to those who wait lol….
Because, faith, I won’t lie faith is something I don’t have much of these days. It’s hard sometimes to believe when you feel every time you feel you gave into faith, you were being optimistic that things go south fast. I find thinking of the worst always prepared me. It made it where if the worst thing happened I was prepared. It wasn’t such a hard blow. But when I blissfully thought everything was going to be great and wasn’t it felt my world just crashed down. I don’t know how people live off of faith and survive lol. It’s so hard for me to do. I mean I do have faith in things, like it will some who work and it does just not typically the way I would like.
I just would like to finally be a head, not to live pretty much pay check to paycheck, to feel like we can do things with our kids, to have jobs we can at least tolerate day-to-day lol. Just peace really… I feel this isn’t too much to ask right? We put so much stress on ourselves that it’s hard to see the little things. It’s hard to take a moment. To just Be. I am so tired. Tired sometimes of fighting. I just want some Easy…. Where is my easy button…. Damn you office depot or whatever place has that button every time I try to get you, you are sold OUT. ugh, So in long words and probably more information than you cared to hear this is all why I have been in the dark.
Why I stopped writing and fighting. I just got tired. I wanted to just not fight for a little while. I don’t know what the future holds. I have started with a new doctor (actually my old one that I think is awesome) and she totally advocating for me. We are to take the next two months and try to get somewhere and if it doesn’t work than she agreed it’s hormonal and we will try to find out what it is. I am not sure anymore if I will ever know, I just hope to find the right formula to lose. The right tools to be where we want to be. And hopefully eventually some freaking peace! There has to be an answer to all this and by damned, I will find it.