So what a week or so ago maybe longer, I don’t care to check right now I told you guys that I was done. What’s so amazing me right now is my complete loss of a fight. I seriously feel totally tapped out. I have zero desire to do this journey. I hate to say I don’t care but I do care. I also hate when people say then you must not want it enough. (not to my face but when people quit) but the fact is it’s not that I don’t want it but more so that I am tired.
Yes, there are people who apparently can fight and do things and they are these wonderful machines. I am not. I am this flawed human who right now says right now I just don’t have it in me. I just don’t. At this point I am like that toddler lol in the corner saying nope, not gonna do it. Stupid I know… But I have done this journey for 2 years. Of course my weight loss woes were much longer than 2 years. But for 2 years I really had all this fight that I AM going to do this.
The fact is, I had that fight because I believed I would. I believed that someone would give me an answer. I believed that maybe I was wrong and if I did these things everyone told me to do a miracle would happen. I thought if I busted my ass, exercised, ate good that I would infact lose weight. When that didn’t happen I got mad. Furious! Angry. annoyed. and then just sad…. I was wrong…..
So why now is there no fight? Because I honestly have lost faith. I am so annoyed that I can weigh in the SAME exactly weight range eating normally and NOT working out as I do eating awesome and working out constantly. To me that makes zero sense by everything I have been taught. But what can I do? I mean sure of course one should just do those things because it feels good right?
Well, honestly, it didn’t really to me. Working out was painful. While I did enjoy my class I didn’t enjoy the pain. The thought of being treadmills, running or anything of those things make me want to hide lol. I just don’t want to do them anymore. It’s like no it’s SO freaking boring now. It’s old, btdt and wrote the story. I just am NOT interested. I am sick of cooking. Like really sick of cooking. I have not turned like some new leaf. I did not turn into one of those who I hated it and now I love it. Nope, still hate it with a passion actually. It’s seriously almost like torture for me. I would rank cooking with washing dishes or putting up clothes I just washed. You only do these things because you know you need too but you totally stall each time you have to do it.
I just don’t have a desire.
I have this teeny tiny piece of hope that some day I will figure this out. It’s why I am still working toward seeing my old doctor (which financially I had to hold off on only because I know she will test everything under the sun). but I also know in the end that this may not happen for me. I wonder if everyone is supposed to be a success story?
What’s more confusing is I don’t feel like ME. Like in my body right now I feel “thin” but I am not. I do not look thin. But I don’t “feel” fat. Unless of course I look into a mirror or try on clothes or god forbid sit in a small chair lol. But all in all my mind seems to think I am thinner. I honestly don’t FEEL heavy. I mean my weight holds me back from things no doubt. But I don’t feel like what I weigh. maybe I thought at this weight I would feel heavy? I don’t know.
Anyways, I just wanted you guys to know that I am still here and alive. I am sorry I don’t blog much these days. It’s just I don’t know what to say anymore :(