So what a week or so ago maybe longer, I don’t care to check right now I told you guys that I was done. What’s so amazing me right now is my complete loss of a fight. I seriously feel totally tapped out. I have zero desire to do this journey. I hate to say I don’t care but I do care. I also hate when people say then you must not want it enough. (not to my face but when people quit) but the fact is it’s not that I don’t want it but more so that I am tired.
Yes, there are people who apparently can fight and do things and they are these wonderful machines. I am not. I am this flawed human who right now says right now I just don’t have it in me. I just don’t. At this point I am like that toddler lol in the corner saying nope, not gonna do it. Stupid I know… But I have done this journey for 2 years. Of course my weight loss woes were much longer than 2 years. But for 2 years I really had all this fight that I AM going to do this.
The fact is, I had that fight because I believed I would. I believed that someone would give me an answer. I believed that maybe I was wrong and if I did these things everyone told me to do a miracle would happen. I thought if I busted my ass, exercised, ate good that I would infact lose weight. When that didn’t happen I got mad. Furious! Angry. annoyed. and then just sad…. I was wrong…..
So why now is there no fight? Because I honestly have lost faith. I am so annoyed that I can weigh in the SAME exactly weight range eating normally and NOT working out as I do eating awesome and working out constantly. To me that makes zero sense by everything I have been taught. But what can I do? I mean sure of course one should just do those things because it feels good right?
Well, honestly, it didn’t really to me. Working out was painful. While I did enjoy my class I didn’t enjoy the pain. The thought of being treadmills, running or anything of those things make me want to hide lol. I just don’t want to do them anymore. It’s like no it’s SO freaking boring now. It’s old, btdt and wrote the story. I just am NOT interested. I am sick of cooking. Like really sick of cooking. I have not turned like some new leaf. I did not turn into one of those who I hated it and now I love it. Nope, still hate it with a passion actually. It’s seriously almost like torture for me. I would rank cooking with washing dishes or putting up clothes I just washed. You only do these things because you know you need too but you totally stall each time you have to do it.
I just don’t have a desire.
I have this teeny tiny piece of hope that some day I will figure this out. It’s why I am still working toward seeing my old doctor (which financially I had to hold off on only because I know she will test everything under the sun). but I also know in the end that this may not happen for me. I wonder if everyone is supposed to be a success story?
What’s more confusing is I don’t feel like ME. Like in my body right now I feel “thin” but I am not. I do not look thin. But I don’t “feel” fat. Unless of course I look into a mirror or try on clothes or god forbid sit in a small chair lol. But all in all my mind seems to think I am thinner. I honestly don’t FEEL heavy. I mean my weight holds me back from things no doubt. But I don’t feel like what I weigh. maybe I thought at this weight I would feel heavy? I don’t know.
Anyways, I just wanted you guys to know that I am still here and alive. I am sorry I don’t blog much these days. It’s just I don’t know what to say anymore :(
Misty,
I hear your frustration (I do) but I think you’re selling yourself short here. It seems as if you’ve tried all the “Fad” diets, but I don’t think you’ve really made some serious lifestyle changes, and that’s a key point.
I am nobody to preach as I’m still in this battle for my life. I want to be around for my kids to graduate college and hold my grandchildren, if they decide to have them.
Not just tooting my own horn or saying that I found the “secret” – I haven’t… but I have recently taken the time to do some serious soul-searching on why I weigh this much, and I discovered two very important things.
1) I was eating TOO MUCH, as I understood that “Portion Control” was my biggest issue.
2) I also needed to address WHAT I WAS EATING, as the content of what we put into our bodies is equally important.
I just posted something I’d like you to read… and I’m not saying this to get you over to my blog.. I think you might get something from it.
http://louisgettinghealthy.wordpress.com/2014/03/28/forks-over-knives-documentary-a-real-eye-opener/
Let me know if you find any value to that, and I support you either way.
Louis
It’s not “fad” diets unless you call eating clean and healthy a fad?
I understand what you mean, but it’s tough to think that you can fight that hard and not have success. I wish you luck!
It is no doubt. But it’s the truth which I why it’s now left up to medical professionals.
“I did not turn into one of those who I hated it and now I love it. Nope, still hate it with a passion actually. It’s seriously almost like torture for me. I would rank cooking with washing dishes or putting up clothes I just washed. ” I resemble this comment so much. I cook because I have to. If there is a short cut that may, yes, be more calories, but I can make it work, I’m all for it.
I also understand what you mean by not “feeling” fat… Inside for the most part, I don’t feel as big as I am. However, when I look in the mirror, I get grossed out by appearance.
I think it is a GIANT misnomer that if you, as you say, don’t have the fight in you anymore, that you must not want it bad enough. ANYONE, and I do mean, ANYONE, who has tried as hard as you have, deserves to lose fight. I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way that you do. You are totally and completely justified. IMHO.
Maybe, when your finances allow (who doesn’t know that feeling), the doctors will be able to find an answer as to why this journey is so difficult to achieve.
So, instead, I do believe you are getting married sometime soon right? Even if you aren’t blogging about your weight loss journey, I know that I would love to hear what else is going on in your life. I’ve always enjoyed your blogs. If you don’t wish to do that, or don’t have the “umpf” to do that, I know I’ll still be around, if / when you decide to come back.
Look to the good and great things that ARE happening in your life. Concentrate on those, and when you are able, see what the doctors can figure out.
Much Love from a friend in California.
Kim Ringer
Thanks so much Kim! I haven’t posted much else about my life here because it was/is a weight loss blog so I started keeping things separate. I do have a blog for the wedding but haven’t been blogging and family life again haven’t been blogging. In general I just haven’t been blogging at all.
I believe the drive will come back, and think it’s actually probably smart not to worry about it until it does or you’ll just begin to hate it even more. You clearly care, give yourself a break and see how it goes for a while. Then when you are ready you attack! :)