So what a week or so ago maybe longer, I don’t care to check right now I told you guys that I was done.  What’s so amazing me right now is my complete loss of a fight.  I seriously feel totally tapped out. I have zero desire to do this journey.  I hate to say I don’t care but I do care.  I also hate when people say then you must not want it enough.  (not to my face but when people quit) but the fact is it’s not that I don’t want it but more so that I am tired.

Yes, there are people who apparently can fight and do things and they are these wonderful machines.  I am not.  I am this flawed human who right now says right now I just don’t have it in me.  I just don’t.  At this point I am like that toddler lol in the corner saying nope, not gonna do it.  Stupid I know… But I have done this journey for 2 years.  Of course my weight loss woes were much longer than 2 years.  But for 2 years I really had all this fight that I AM going to do this.

The fact is, I had that fight because I believed I would.  I believed that someone would give me an answer.  I believed that maybe I was wrong and if I did these things everyone told me to do a miracle would happen.  I thought if I busted my ass, exercised, ate good that I would infact lose weight.  When that didn’t happen I got mad.  Furious!  Angry.  annoyed. and then just sad…. I was wrong…..

So why now is there no fight?  Because I honestly have lost faith.  I am so annoyed that I can weigh in the SAME exactly weight range eating normally and NOT working out as I do eating awesome and working out constantly.  To me that makes zero sense by everything I have been taught.  But what can I do?  I mean sure of course one should just do those things because it feels good right?

Well, honestly, it didn’t really to me.  Working out was painful.  While I did enjoy my class I didn’t enjoy the pain.  The thought of being treadmills, running or anything of those things make me want to hide lol.  I just don’t want to do them anymore.  It’s like no it’s SO freaking boring now.  It’s old, btdt and wrote the story.  I just am NOT interested.  I am sick of cooking.  Like really sick of cooking.  I have not turned like some new leaf.  I did not turn into one of those who I hated it and now I love it.  Nope, still hate it with a passion actually.  It’s seriously almost like torture for me.  I would rank cooking with washing dishes or putting up clothes I just washed.  You only do these things because you know you need too but you totally stall each time you have to do it.

I just don’t have a desire.

I have this teeny tiny piece of hope that some day I will figure this out.  It’s why I am still working toward seeing my old doctor (which financially I had to hold off on only because I know she will test everything under the sun).  but I also know in the end that this may not happen for me.  I wonder if everyone is supposed to be a success story?

What’s more confusing is I don’t feel like ME.  Like in my body right now I feel “thin” but I am not. I do not look thin.  But I don’t “feel” fat.  Unless of course I look into a mirror or try on clothes or god forbid sit in a small chair lol.  But all in all my mind seems to think I am thinner.  I honestly don’t FEEL heavy.  I mean my weight holds me back from things no doubt.  But I don’t feel like what I weigh.  maybe I thought at this weight I would feel heavy?  I don’t know.

Anyways, I just wanted you guys to know that I am still here and alive.  I am sorry I don’t blog much these days.  It’s just I don’t know what to say anymore 😦