Today marks 2 years since I found my first PE (pulmonary embolism).  It was what was a factor in me starting this blog which I started just 2 months later.   I won’t rehash my experience for you can read about it here on how we found out about my PE and Factor IV.  But what I did want to talk today is how it feels two years later.

I would say the most interesting thing about this journey is that even though the PE could have most defiantly of killed me had I not went in when I did, I still don’t really hold the scars as I do from the pulmonary edema shortly after my daughters birth.  Which was a pretty traumatic experience.  But we will talk about that on the anniversary of that one.

For the most part life after a PE isn’t so bad.  The constant finger pricks to check my INR now have become second nature.  Even the staff now knows M and swell with smiles every time she wakes in.  As my nurse practitioner says “there’s my little friend”.   I still get short of breath at the smallest of things which has its own annoyance but all in all I feel pretty good.

I know I have been gone for a while.  I have struggled with writing about my journey (or what feels a lack there of) because I feel like while talking about these things can be quiet a release it also can cause you to question a lot of things.  With blogging you are putting yourself out there for the world to see and scrutinize.  While for the most part I have had a good experience blogging I wondered if my blogging was holding me back?

I started getting to a point where looking online or blogs of success stories had me pointing the middle finger at those people.  FU I would think, yeah “anyone can do it” “look at me I lost X amount of pounds in 12 months if I can do it so can you” stories like this almost put me in a rage.  I saw people all around me talk about their “magic” I ate good, I ate less, I exercised and I lost weight.

Seems simple right?  But not for me.  I couldn’t understand how I could eat less, eat healthy, exercise several days a week and yet here I stood still at 300lbs TWO years later….. How can this be?  Is it me?  Did I give up too soon?  Did I not follow the plan well enough?  Did I cheat too much?  Did I not exercise harder?

It seems that many did very small things and got great results.  But me, I feel I have to move mountains to lose 20lbs.  I think to myself man what does it take to lose the next 130?  I constantly just fluctuate back and forth the same 10lbs that I have for the past two years.

So I decided to take a step back.  I actually stopped going to the gym.  *Gasp! I know* I haven’t been in probably two months.  I needed to get back to the basics.  I needed to start with food.  With exercising I got so much into the you must exercise so you can really lose.

But I forgot that I really do believe exercise is to help better your health.  While it may help your weight loss it really conditions your body.  So I’m not saying it’s not important BUT I needed to find what was the root of these issues.  I had to take out all things and start simple.

Starting in January I did just that.  I started watching what I ate, how I responded, how things like PMS really does affect me and my cravings.  I started re-learning myself.  I noticed I focus a lot on the numbers.  I told my bestie ya know I lost 7lbs in the past 12 days (which I have gained back now btw) and I am not happy about it because it went up a lil bit.

I had a hard time with the fact that I still gained a little I could focus that I had still infact lost.  I also was so hung up on others journeys and wanting to be like them it turned almost into a competition with out meaning it to be.  I told her if I didn’t know others could lose say more than 1 to 2 lbs a week I would feel differently about my loss but because I know I could yield bigger results I feel defeated.

It’s all a MIND game.  So what happens?  Self Sabotage.  I say no, I am going to eat or drink this….. And I do and I gain back in ONE weekend what took me TWO weeks to lose.  SMH really???? My guess is it’s water weight either way but that doesn’t matter.  The fact is the cycle.  The cycle matters.

I learned I don’t do well with restrictions.  It has to be MY decision.  This is the rebel side of me.  There are so many different types of eating that I agree with but long-term I just knew there are things I probably still will eat.   Honestly, I am okay with that.  There are so many things that are supposed to be “healthy” that I had become lost into what to believe.

So now I am like back to the basics.  Here I am two years after two brushes with death 6 months from each other and I am still here.  I figured that must mean something!  So I started back looking back into weight watchers.  It’s something I feel I can do along with my family.  But this time I am considering actual meetings.  I have never been to a meeting I also did it on my own (and with success) but figure it’s worth a try.

I wasn’t going to post until honestly I started seeing results but it seems the blog keeps pulling me in.  So here I am.  I am back.  Still here and still struggling.  Starting next month my health insurance kicks in and we are hoping to finally get some more answers.

I’m not really sure yet what all it will mean for me if anything at all but it’s worth a shot to see other doctors than the ones I have been stuck seeing the past two years.  I’m not sure how I fit everything in our budget for our car recently died and we had to sell it (our ONLY car) so now we have to save and buy a new one.  I think we will have one in about two weeks or so.  The wedding is this year in June so excited about that but also have to save for our honeymoon.  And of course lovely health expenses I now will have.

So I am not sure how this will all work.  But I do feel like something must for there is a part of me that just says keep going and keep trying.  I figure that voice wouldn’t say if there wasn’t an answer somewhere.  I have wanted to give up so bad.  I have felt DONE for a few months now.  I wanted to just learn to accept me at this size.  But I know that this body isn’t fully mine and I am really want to make it the best body it can be.

So here is to a new year.