IMG_20131021_232931This journey has been probably one of the hardest journeys in my life in its own way.

From food to exercise.  Never in my life have I fought so hard to figure this whole process out.

I consider myself pretty educated in different ways of eating and what they do for you.

I have tried several of them.  I know that in the end scheme of things my goal whether you agree or not is to be smaller.

Yes, I want to be healthy for me that goes without saying.  But I would be totally lying if this wasn’t a journey on beauty as well.

I feel ugly.

I was just telling D about how unattractive I feel from my body even down to my face.  I just don’t feel pretty.  I know bigger girls can be pretty so it’s not just size so don’t get me wrong.  I know I don’t have to be thin to be beautiful.  It’s just *I* don’t feel beautiful.

I am annoyed constantly with this journey.  I am confused constantly with this journey.  Not much makes sense with it.  I tend to go back and read my trials to lose weight in the past and I am soooo angry with myself because the tools were right there and I was losing weight.  I just stopped trying.

Then here I am actually trying…. Giving my all for weeks and nada.  I feel like I just go into circles.  So then I go crazy into finding out the right way of eating, changing everything in my life, my workouts. You name it. I have changed it.

And bam still same circle.  So I get mad I say F it. And what happens?  I stay in the same circle.  THAT baffles me the most.  How do I stay in the same circle whether I do good OR do bad?  How on earth is this science correct?

I wish I knew.

I wish this journey wasn’t so freaking hard.  I just don’t get it.  I sit day in and day out and yet one thing after another fails!

Right now that fail is my knees and it has me a bit depressed.  See, I was really excited recently.  I was given a great opportunity.  One of the trainers at my gym offered to do more of a one on one workout once a week and we would gradually move to more days and higher intensity. This was to no extra cost to me!

The workout was great!  Hard! But great.  Since then it’s going down hill.  By Monday our bootcamp was also kicked up a notch.  I was already having issues with my knee’s and I kept just dealing.  Doing the workouts just showed how bad they really are :(.

But this was getting a bit out of hand to the point I couldn’t walk well and needed assistance getting up and down from a chair.  I know I have knee issues but didn’t want to be a whinny baby either.

So I pushed through and went to class on Tuesday.  I knew shortly into class this was a bad idea.  I could barely do squats which normally I rock at.  By thursday I felt it was best to not do the class.

On Friday I messaged the trainer and he told me no exercising and said I need to ice it and rest!  I did.  Yesterday it felt 10X’s better and then I worked out.  Once back home my knee’s are at it again.  Getting up from a chair is a feat.  Walking hurts.

Ugh, WHY!  I message the trainer my concerns and he tells me I need to lay off!  SOOOOOO NOT what I hoped to hear.  I hope if anything we can still work out in aways that won’t hurt them.  It sucks because this class is why I now go to the gym.

But 99% of what we do consists of impact to my knees and frankly they seem stressed.  I can tell that I am getting to the point I fear I am going to injure myself and as a momma of four that’s not something we need happening!  especially when I care for a 2 yr old all day.

So here I sit sad knowing that I am going to have to change things up.  Say good-bye to class for a little while and find a new zone.  I’m not giving up, I’m not excusing myself to no exercise.  But just, I hate this journey so much now.

I hate that every time I try to do better I get knocked back down.  It’s hard to not ask WHY!  At this point calling this a Journey of a Life Time feels like an understatement.  So that’s that.  I’ll keep you guys updated on how things go.