Last night I was watching some weight loss shows while everyone in the house was sleeping and I was finally done with work.  The first show was a TLC show called my 600lb life.  Netflix only had the first episode (how rude btw) but it pulled me, ripped out my heart and just knocked me down.

Because my thought was, “what if one day this is me?“.  Never in my life would I have thought that I would be at or around 300lbs and defiantly not over.  When I was younger I was in the 130-150 range, after my babies I was in the 200-250 range.

But after the excessive gain, clots, my last daughter here I sit at around 300lbs. So it was easy to say “What if that’s me?”  I mean the past 150lbs came on so fast and I just can’t wrap around my head that I now do bootcamp classes, I measure my foods, and watch what I eat and here I am still struggling in the same place I was before doing of it. What if?

Even when I have days where I just suck with food I am like how does it not equal out?  How can I go from eating what I wanted and not exercising at all to doing the opposite weighing the same?

What if I can’t get to the root of what’s going on and my body just swells more and more?

It’s a great fear of mine….

The second show was Extreme weight loss.  I use to watch this show and then forgot about it.  As I am watching this show I think man, I would love to lose like 100lbs in 3 months lol (who wouldn’t if they needed to lose that much).

Out of most of the weight loss shows I like this one the most because most of the journey they do on their own.  Which is really hard to go back to your life after just 3 months and now you have to do this by yourself.  It’s the real world.

I am watching this show and just crying.  Crying because I’m not sure how long I will be able to fight.  Crying because I feel like I fail on the weeks I do horrible (like last week).  Crying because I feel like slowly and surely I am letting everyone down including myself.

Crying because I don’t know why? If this is just me and some how I am fooling myself or if deep down that something just isn’t right.  What if they (as in the doctors) don’t find it?

I know I am supposed to look to the positive which as a normal negative nelly as I am this is pretty hard for me.  But day by day I am working on it.  Working on the goal of just going through the process with out focusing on the results.

But man is it hard!  It’s so hard to tell someone okay we are going to eat healthy, work out but you are not to focus on your body, your scale or the numbers.  While logically I totally get it, it’s that part of your mind where you want results.  You want that quick validation what you are doing is doing something.

This is one story I wish I knew the end.  Do I make it?  Will I ever look and feel healthy?  How will my life change?  My future and my kids? Will I succeed or will I fail?  Those are the questions that haunt me.

I wish this journey on no one and at the same time think my journey is nothing compared to so many other types of journey’s out there.  But for me, this journey…. It’s mine and for ME it’s hard.  For me this journey feels never ending with full of uncertainty.

To ME this journey could save my life or kill me if I stop.  I could be them or better yet I AM them….. Just some pounds lighter…. It gives you a lot to think about.