imagesI raise my flag.  I surrender….

Yesterday I went to my appointment.  I don’t know why exactly I had hopes for this appointment but I did.  First, I learn after waiting 2 hours to register that the clinic wasn’t exactly the woman’s clinic I thought it was.  Basically, it was a clinic that helped woman who were on the state plan that helps women get contraceptives.  (Which I can’t take btw).

So I asked the lady if they handle things like finding out/treating PCOS she claims they do.  So almost 3 hours pass by and I am sent to the back.  They do my weight, which is up right now being that it’s PMS week I’m not surprised.  It’s where it was last month at PMS week.  They did my blood pressure which apparently was awesome (and always is).

Then I had to talk to some lady, not sure who she was (she wasn’t in scrubs) but she was basically getting my pre-screening.  She thought I was there as a follow-up to my clots?  Wha? um, NO.  I have a doctor for that thanks… (this place doesn’t even deal with that issue!). Ugh.  I explain the issue with the periods and wondering if I had hormone issue.

Before I could go much further she claims how my weight is why my periods are wonky and I should consider losing weight “even 20lbs would help” she says.  This lady didn’t know how close she came to being punched in the face.  I don’t even consider myself a violent person.  I politely explain that’s exactly why I was there, I can’t lose.

She looks sees, my health history that’s in the computer (since the place is still joined with the community plan I am on they have my info).  And goes to ask what factor V was (this makes me highly question who I am talking to by this point).  She then tells me that the info will be given to the Nurse practitioner (really?) and they will decide what they want to do.

I go but I am going to see someone right?  She says yes.  Luckily I do actually end up seeing a doctor.  But that quickly doesn’t go as planned.  She claims the periods (flow amount) is probably from blood thinners and while I do agree with this my specialists insists it’s not that.  She then explains that they are more for doing pap’s, pregnancy and prevents (think planned parenthood) great.  This isn’t at all what I needed.

She tells me how I need to talk to my doctor (dr.quack) I explain I have, she asks what did she say?  I said she told me I was getting old.  “But you’re only 32” she says.  I know exactly.  She goes to tell me how I should eat well, exercise.  She asks if I am working out hard enough, maybe I need a friend.  Or what about weight loss surgery.  I tell her did you forget I have a blood disorder…. To hear oh yeah that’s right you wouldn’t qualify.  URGH!

At this point I am in shut down mode.  It’s apparently I am not being heard.  Everything she is saying while its true is the same thing I have heard for over a year and all I have tried with no real progress.  I explain the pulmonary edema and how ironically I weigh the same as I did before they took the fluid off.

She asked basically if I eat a ton of food (gee thanks) uh, no I don’t but thanks.  At this point I am done.  I tell her if she can’t help me fine, I will go.  She looked at me and said she wanted to help and I needed to see a different doctor, MY doctor.  At that point I busted into tears.

I told her that’s the thing she isn’t listening to me.  My specialists are concerned, everyone is concerned but everyone says I need to go to the general doctors all of whom make me feel like I am lying that I just don’t work out and eat right.  She goes well, what do you think is wrong with you?

I was like I don’t know that’s why I am here.  But I do know I would like to explore things.  No one will run a hormone panel, I have ALL the signs of wacked out hormones it’s seems obvious to test this.  But instead all of you focus on testing my cholesterol, diabetes, and all that stuff and every single time they come back good.

I am telling you this is my body and something is wrong.  I don’t get why no one will try to find out.  She tells me how hard it must be to feel that way.  She explains why her office can’t help me she referred me to the main hospitals woman’s center.  She said they deal with more complicated cases and since I have previous PE’s I am out of her realm.  She said she is going to suggest a hormone panel.

One would think this might excite me, but it doesn’t.  Not at all.  I have to call tomorrow to get the appointment to the other clinic and then call the other clinic to see if they can really help me.  Which I am sure they will say yes to fail me too…. I am done.  Seriously, like totally done.  I am losing the fight in me.

I don’t know what else to do.  Do I eat so little I starve?  Do I take out everything I love out of my diet to be skinny, do I take away the things I believe (moderation, you need calories, fat, carbs) I don’t get it, I have seen dietician they agree I don’t eat horrible.  I am trying, and I am sick of trying.

I don’t want to do it… no matter what I do it doesn’t matter.  IT’s ironic too because I can go and not exercise or eat right and still I maintain.  I could eat great and exercise and still I lose a tiny amount and then maintain.  Really?  Really?  People are losing weight all around me by doing simple shit like cut out a freaking coke and here I am busting my ass to lose one freaking pound.

I am done…… DONE!