Tags
diet, Gluten Free, Lose Weight, low carb, paleo, Weight loss
Yesterday I was sick… Like REALLY sick. I felt horrible. Today I feel MUCH better than I did yesterday that’s for sure! While I am not a 100% it’s good to know I am feeling more “normal”.
Anyways, so the past couple of days I was going to post but it wasn’t anything positive and I haven’t been too positive lately. I figured I would just wait for AF because it’s amazing how hormones change how you feel!
So because of that I didn’t want my hormones to go overboard in how I feel if that makes sense? So I thought before I post any more pity me posts I would wait until AF came.
Well she isn’t here but I have to say it…. I am afraid of being FAT forever!
There, I said it. I mean this is a full on fear. Earlier this post was going to be my “I quit”. I have to admit a year on this journey has been tiring. I say a year because while I attempted to lose weight in the past and have at times succeeded and failed.
This is was the first time I really busted my ass for it. They say that sometimes things happen to make you see…. Well the thing was I HAD lost quiet a bit of weight years ago.
Then out of no where it started to come back. I accepted for the longest it must be my wacky thyroid. I had no money to see a doctor to fix my meds. I accepted this as my life! I was just going to be fat!
After me almost dying with the pulmonary edema and then ended up with clots in my lungs 6 months after that I decided I couldn’t accept being fat. I must find out what was causing the gain.
I knew something was wrong once my thyroid got normal and I still wasn’t losing weight. I was doing everything right! I worked out, I logged (like seriously logged) everything I ate. I did everything they tell you too.
And yet I wasn’t really going anywhere at all. I was at loss. I as mad, upset, furious! Why me? Why is it you, as in god gave me this sign that I NEED to do this and yet, I am getting NO WHERE.
Doctor after doctor was concerned but none with an answer. Some have judged me thinking that I am just eating tons of food. Have I been perfect this past year? No, not at all. But several times I have really put in so much into this for a few months later all the sudden my body rebels.
I am at loss. I can’t break free… I cannot for the life of me lose this weight AND KEEP IT OFF. As I cry, I realize is this my life? What if they don’t find it? What if I die first? Is this really my destiny?
Why is it everyone else can just eat less and lose, or work out for 30 minutes and lose? Why cant that be me? Yes, I am having a pitty party. Why? Because it’s hard okay! It’s HARD.
I hate it, I hate looking at myself, I hate shopping for clothes, I hate feeling my body…. I hate it all… I want to look smaller and healthier. Screw love yourself for who you are, I don’t. I just don’t.
You be 200lb, 300lb, 400lb or 500lb’s way more than you EVER imagined and tell me how you would feel? Yes, there are things I still like about myself, but my body, no I don’t like it. Maybe I am wrong for it. But it is what it is.
I feel stuck… I pray that once AF comes things will lighten up and I can look back and say man was that a hormonal mess but in the moment right now, this road is looking longer and more distant than ever before.
I am NOT just a fat girl 
BABY GIRL. you’re being wayyyyy too hard on yourself. BUT….what you DO need to examine, AND ASK YOURSELF REALLY REALLY HONESTLY…..AM I DOING EVERYTHING I COULD BE DOING??? am i BEING ABSOLUTE AND STRICT, about what goes in my mouth?? am i working out 5-6 days a week??? am i counting calories, am i tracking all my food? OR am i being sloppy, am i estimating, did i stop measuring out 2 tablespoons of sour cream?? am i saying oh fuck it, too many times a day?? are your work outs lazy, or have you stopped working out? are you making too many excuses??? Because for so long, i was also, complaining that nothing was happening and nothing was changing, and then i GOT SERIOUS, and completely obsessed, and that’s THE ONLY WAY someone like me was going to see results. and now i’m down 19lbs, and i KNOW that what i’m doing is working. but you HAVE TO STOP making excuses.
I would LOVE to say this was about excuses!!! WHY? Simple because if it were excuses I could fix it! That’s EASY! OMG if it was just really as easy as eat right and lose weight OMG I would down like a 100lbs by now! SERIOUSLY! I kid you NOT I would be down! How do I know. Because, I have done it. Heck I did it without a lick of exercise.
But this, this is different. I feel it with every fiber in my soul. Because NEVER in my LIFE have I worked SO HARD to lose weight and NOT lose. I am LUCKY to lose a POUND LUCKY I tell you. And that’s doing about 3 times what you do. Infact, I could probably bet you money my workouts are harder than yours.
I have had people come up to me at the gym amazed at how much I do. WHY? Because I have wanted it. I have been trying to do this crap for a year now and since my doctors haven’t been much help and I can’t afford yet to see a better on (I have no health insurance) I am stuck….
I know a few things, I have several health conditions the weight issues started at the same time as they did. I would really really really OMG REALLY freaking LOVE to say I’m just NOT honest with ME. GOD would that be so FREAKING AWESOME.
But honestly, that’s like telling someone with cancer are you sure you didn’t just take your vitamins. No, they are sick…. It’s much more than just needed some vitamins. Ya know? I am so glad that you have lost 19lbs. I am happy for all my friends who have. Jealous? Maybe lol Annoyed that I have to do 3X what they do to lose even less weight if any at all. OR to gain.
But even those who love me know. Hell, even my own fiance has lost over 60lbs since I started the change (my house eat as I do) MY CHILDREN have lost even some weight (they were not big to begin with but had a little extra on them but still very healthy weights). But me, nope, I would lose 10lbs or so and about a few months in it started coming back, with out change.
I will tell you I am the type of person that gets motivated from weight loss. It makes me HAPPY this, this is something different. I don’t know what, I don’t know HOW to find it but I am getting annoyed at doing everything and I DO MEAN EVERYTHING to do this journey and still get no where. Heck I use to even post every single thing I ate. My friends who were dropping pounds like flies were like you eat better than I do.
But ya know what, the purpose of this blog started out as something to show the medical community SOMETHING was wrong with me. I knew the prior year something was very very wrong when I gained 50lbs in a couple of months after they took 70lbs of fluid off of me after giving birth. I was in a hospital for a week. Sadly, I have found that most likely that extra 50 I gained back was most likely fluid that came back (not uncommon when you are on lasiks and then just all the sudden get pulled off them).
I sometimes gain 7lb plus pounds a day. You realize how much one has to eat to even gain that much? So no, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE OMG LOVE to say this was what I eat. I would, that my friend would be the EASIEST fix of all. What’s not is getting the medical community to listen to you when those things are NOT working….
Hence why we are saving for me to have a full hormone panel done, as well being checked for PCOS. (which also effects weight). And a recheck on my liver among a few other health issues that was presented by my old good doctor (who I am saving to see again). She was the one who believed me when I told her something was wrong with my leg and she was convinced I had a clot after 3 hospitals said I didn’t. Low and behold I did. I love her and so far the doctors I have to see are failing me.
I am tired of the emotional roller coaster. I want to know what is wrong with my body so I can fix it and move forward. (sorry I know you didn’t want a novel).
Oh sweetie do not give up! Its not just about losing weight. Its about feeling healthy and having more energy to do the things you love. You have to look at the small successes as just that….successes! Have you seen a Registered Dietitian? They may be able to help you out. He or she can look at your diet for maybe any vitamin or mineral deficiencies that may be hindering your progress. Or it may be something simple like eating more protein or healthy fats or something like that. Good luck and keep your head up!
Yes, I have seen a dietitian. She said what I eat is right on track. What I explained to the poster above explains what we are currently trying to do to get past this at this point. My spouse and I know something just isn’t right, after a year of doing this and use working out together we have both agreed other measures need to be taken something really is wrong somewhere. So we are saving to see another medical professional to have a full panel ran on me since my current doctor (I’m not on health insurance but a plan through a hospital so I see who ever they send me to) doesn’t seem to have an idea on what’s wrong but also doesn’t want to do any tests beyond my thyroid. (which was crazy numbers when I first saw her which we don’t know whY).
okay WHOA! i feel like you got SUPER defensive, OBVIOUSLY, i’m a stranger on the internet, and know NOTHING about the extensive doctor visiting you’ve done, and what have you. But i’m feeling WAY attacked! I thought we were in a little group here, where constructive criticism, and suggestions were welcomed- and people could ask questions about the other ones routine. When i see you posting pictures of cookies, and subway sandwhiches, i’m wondering OF COURSE- if you are REALLY applying yourself 100%! AND YOU KNOW WHAT GIRL- i would want people to question ME too!!! We’re here to push each other, and tell each other not to give up!
I’m NOT JUDGING YOU BY ANY MEANS! WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, I WAS SUGGESTING ONLY: that MAYBE you werent’ EATING AS CLEAN as you possibly could, no additives, or no sugars, NO CARBS, or no bad carbs! MY metabolism is super stlow, and everyone in my family has hyperthyroid, and are all on medication to correct it, and for all i know, i might have the same problem, i’m geting it looked into as well. – so trust me I GET IT. but i know, that when i allow even one ONE ONE little thing, like a cookie, into my week, i won’t see a single pound move on that scale, and THAT is when i get depressed. I used to blame my period, and not go work out and just say that i was tired, but in the end, you can choose what to do. A week shouldn’t go by without work outs, and i don’t NEED you tell me that your’e probably working out harder than me, because you know NOTHING about what i do, just like i know nothing about you.
I never said that I eat “clean” at least not currently. Have I tried it? yes, however, my results were the same as if I didn’t. I decided that eating ONLY meat, vegetables, and fruit just was not for me. It just was not logical. Not to mention my results were not any better by just doing so. Infact, when I allowed things like brown rice, bread and such BACK into my diet I did do better than the latter.
My problem is that you are not the first NOR probably the last to tell me what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Everyone thinks their way of eating is the “right” way. I have heard of just about every plan out there. So none of it’s new to me.
Please know this is my PERSONAL blog, not some group. This is MY feelings, MY journey and MY trails. I created this because I had medical issues (which I have talked openly about it’s right there in the how it all started section) explaining ALL my health issues in black and white.
Please know I don’t mean to aim this towards you personally. Just sometimes a post can be the last straw it’s not aimed at you but the frustration that I don’t write for people to “help” me. I write for ME. Have people posted things that were helpful? Yes, of course.
But telling me about looking into my diet well girl, do you know how many on a regular basis have idea’s and thoughts of what my diet should consist of? Guess what else? They are not all what you just proposed. Which means that more than one person has said you should eat this way, you should exercise this way, you should do this, you should do that, one honestly can take so much!
Here is what I can tell you. 3 yrs ago yes, I would agree it’s diet or exercise (which mind you one can lose weight without EVER stepping foot in a gym believe me I have done it and was VERY successful at it) I am not saying exercise is bad I DO exercise weekly if not a gym I do so at home.
No, I know nothing about you so don’t assume the same about me. Don’t assume YOUR diet should be MY diet or that I will have better results of YOUR diet because guess what I have already done your diet.
I am not trying to be rude and if you knew me personally you would know that. But you don’t so I understand. Just know everyone has opinions and they are easily shared online at some point you kind of wish people really would keep them to their selves if they are not helping.
I know you meant no harm. I can see how it came across as it did. But please try to see this from my side just as you had to find what works for you. I am trying to do the same. I KNOW that something is wrong with my body. People don’t have 70lbs of fluid taken off of them for nothing, I mean have you? I take diuretics because I have weak valves that cause fluid retention. Do you? Probably not, I don’t know, but I do know that I am doing the best I personally can. If that’s not good enough fine, but this is MY journey. I don’t post for you or anyone but myself.
So I know this goes FAR beyond diet. Please understand that.
I guess it just comes down to the fact I am telling you that something else is wrong and instead of accepting that I know my body and something is wrong you assume that I am wrong and it’s just my diet since by all means you have seen me eat a cookie and sub… Ya know?
You’re taking one line out of my entire comment and basing your entire response on it. No it’s not a group, but a blog is public and if you didn’t want comments or suggestions, you’d make it private. I don’t presume to tell you that you should eat like me or do what I do, I was just saying HEY THIS WORKS FOR ME HAVE YOU TRIED IT. Noone is attacking you, take this out on your doctors, not on me.
I apologize I assume those who have followed have taken time to learn a little about me and the blog. So they know I have tried it. So I am sorry for assuming you already knew I have tried those things. I don’t mind comments but I do expect people to take a moment read a little about the blog and my journey before assuming that’s all. It’s just nice so you don’t end up repeating yourself a million times. And believe me I honestly have considered doing away with the blog completely because people just choose not to listen. But at the end of the day it’s my therapy and I have gained some friends through the process that have followed the journey and what all I have actually been through and for that I keep it open. had you really just said have you tried this, believe me you would of gotten a different response. It really was this line “but you HAVE TO STOP making excuses” that really got me. This sentence to me said this is about what you are eating, and not doing and obviously you are just making excuses for yourself. That right there was an assumption and that was the key sentence that really upset me to be honest.
I understand totally what you are saying, but there is much more to life than being a size or weight.. you should look more into being healthy that being a certain size.. I know you aren’t happy with how you look and the fact your over weight and fat.. I totally know how you feel with that, I have been fighting all my life with my weight, its a weekly to daily to hourly battle with ones self, Then when you stop on the scales and there is no change, it guts you to the floor.
I am wondering if you should also measure yourself, sometimes you don’t lose weight, but you lose inches.. fat is lighter than muscle. Also you can hold onto water.
But I stick by my first comment, be healthy and try to love yourself.. Don’t be so hard on yourself x
Thanks 🙂 I do measure once a month as well 🙂 Ya know it’s funny because I don’t really even have a certain size, I mean of course I have a size don’t get me wrong. But when I started this the goal was to get healthy and lose. I think I am just more annoyed with being about where I started a year later. I just want progress consistently lol. At this point I would be happy to get out of 280 STAY under 280 and go from there lol.
I could have written this post! I 100% believe your claims of diet and exercise. I am traveling this exact journey. I do have insurance, and have had all the basic hormone testing. I truly beleive I have a pituitary tumor. No one believes me because my hormones even the abnormal ranges don’t add up. My growth hormone is 0.01. My TSH is in a completely normal range of 1.7. But my FT4 is too low. I have been diagnosed with PCOS. My diagnosis has not helped me. My Drs use it as an excuse as to why I haven’t lost weight. All my numbers that I can control with good nutrition are perfect. I.e. Cholesterol , blood sugar, and insulin. I too see a dietician regularly. I have a trainer. I participate in runs, bootcamps, weight training. I weigh and measure everything. You’re not alone! I believe you. I understand your frustration. I feel your frustration.
that’s so frustrating!