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Yesterday I was sick… Like REALLY sick.  I felt horrible.  Today I feel MUCH better than I did yesterday that’s for sure!  While I am not a 100% it’s good to know I am feeling more “normal”.

Anyways, so the past couple of days I was going to post but it wasn’t anything positive and I haven’t been too positive lately.  I figured I would just wait for AF because it’s amazing how hormones change how you feel!

So because of that I didn’t want my hormones to go overboard in how I feel if that makes sense?  So I thought before I post any more pity me posts I would wait until AF came.

Well she isn’t here but I have to say it…. I am afraid of being FAT forever!

There, I said it.  I mean this is a full on fear.  Earlier this post was going to be my “I quit”.   I have to admit a year on this journey has been tiring.  I say a year because while I attempted to lose weight in the past and have at times succeeded and failed.

This is was the first time I really busted my ass for it.  They say that sometimes things happen to make you see…. Well the thing was I HAD lost quiet a bit of weight years ago.

Then out of no where it started to come back.  I accepted for the longest it must be my wacky thyroid.  I had no money to see a doctor to fix my meds.  I accepted this as my life!  I was just going to be fat!

After me almost dying with the pulmonary edema and then ended up with clots in my lungs 6 months after that I decided I couldn’t accept being fat.  I must find out what was causing the gain.

I knew something was wrong once my thyroid got normal and I still wasn’t losing weight.  I was doing everything right!  I worked out, I logged (like seriously logged) everything I ate.  I did everything they tell you too.

And yet I wasn’t really going anywhere at all.  I was at loss.  I as mad, upset, furious!  Why me?  Why is it you, as in god gave me this sign that I NEED to do this and yet, I am getting NO WHERE.

Doctor after doctor was concerned but none with an answer.  Some have judged me thinking that I am just eating tons of food.  Have I been perfect this past year? No, not at all.  But several times I have really put in so much into this for a few months later all the sudden my body rebels.

I am at loss.  I can’t break free… I cannot for the life of me lose this weight AND KEEP IT OFF.  As I cry, I realize is this my life?  What if they don’t find it?  What if I die first?  Is this really my destiny?

Why is it everyone else can just eat less and lose, or work out for 30 minutes and lose?  Why cant that be me?  Yes, I am having a pitty party.  Why?  Because it’s hard okay! It’s HARD.

I hate it, I hate looking at myself, I hate shopping for clothes, I hate feeling my body…. I hate it all… I want to look smaller and healthier.  Screw love yourself for who you are, I don’t.  I just don’t.

You be 200lb, 300lb, 400lb or 500lb’s way more than you EVER imagined and tell me how you would feel?  Yes, there are things I still like about myself, but my body, no I don’t like it.  Maybe I am wrong for it.  But it is what it is.

I feel stuck… I pray that once AF comes things will lighten up and I can look back and say man was that a hormonal mess but in the moment right now, this road is looking longer and more distant than ever before.