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Through out this journey I have had to take steps to find myself and redefine who I am.  I have learned quiet a bit about myself in this process.  From how lazy I am to how much I have allowed people to treat me badly throughout the years.

A while back I wrote a post called Messy Room = Messy Mind.  I have had a hard time following through at times mainly because of my own personal issues, part laziness and of course social stigmas I didn’t want to place upon myself.

Either way, I was doing myself a huge disservice because it effected everything around me!  From my relationship to the people I am around.  I am really starting to understand the logic of loving yourself before you can love others.

I think this doesn’t mean one can’t have love feelings for others.  What I think it really means is when you love yourself you are willing to accept love BACK.  You are pleasant to be around and you don’t allow people to mistreat you because you know you deserve better!

This past weekend was an exact example of me not loving myself.  I was reading though old emails… Several years ago before facebook of course, one of the ways to socialize with others online was through forums and email groups such as yahoo groups.

Being the anti-social person I was, things like forums and email groups seemed to be a safe haven for me.  However, this was not always the case.  I noticed reading through these emails and emails of past “friends” how I allowed people to treat me like very rude manner.

I was so desperate to have friends and because I had such a bad self image that I would believe anything and everything anyone said about me.  To this day I still have to work on this.

However, it was sad to look back and see myself trying to defend myself but in a way to still make friends (if that makes sense) when in reality I should of said you know what?

I don’t deserve the way you are treating me, and I won’t accept it.   If you don’t like things I say that is fine, but you don’t have to treat me disrespectfully! IF you decide that you will continue to do so I am sorry, but I cannot be around you any longer.

I have started to realize that I need to de-clutter my mind, home, life and friends.  I need to see everything also isn’t in some little perfect box.  My friends are not always going to do things the way “I” want them to.  Sometimes it’s okay to try new things (this is a big one for me).  But also I have to be accepting to learning when to let go.  (which I think I am getting better at).

I see it as, life is WAY too short to be unhappy… So why chase after people who are not even making you happy?  Do things in your life that will improve your life even if it seems hard!  Sometimes the hardest things end up being the best!

I wish a long time ago I realized that I don’t have to accept just anyone to have friends or to have someone love me!  I wish I didn’t sacrifice who I was to just have “someone”.  But the beauty of it is, you never really lose you!

Sometimes you just get lost in the clutter.  So, you just have to work your way out of that clutter so you can finally see the sunshine!  I am glad that slowly and surely I get to see the sun more these days.

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