MH900433818I know earlier today I posted about feeling great today and for the most part I do! Physically that is…

Mentally, not so much.  I know this is a weight loss blog but for the most part I think your mental state has a lot to do with weight.

So if you don’t mind I am going to vent/whine a bit.  Don’t mind me.

Ever have those days where you just feel like if I were not here tomorrow would anyone really notice, if they did notice how long would it actually take?  Now before you freak out no, I am not thinking of hurting myself to find out.  I am well past that point of my life.

See, in school I had always considered myself a “regular” I grew up in a small town.  So naturally everyone knew everyone.  I was that girl who people knew but that was about it.  We could talk here and there, I wasn’t really made fun of (except a few times about my weight before I was 16), Or messed with, I was just a girl people knew.

Ya know the type, where people said oh, that girl, the one who sits near me in English.  Yeah, that was me.  I was *that* girl.  It’s okay though, I mean I had a few close friends growing up.  I wasn’t an adventures kid so for the most part even my few close friends eventually found “cooler” friends.

I didn’t blame them in a way, I was boring for the most part.  I really didn’t like getting into trouble.  Growing up my mother wasn’t the nicest person to begin with so yeah, I didn’t like rocking that boat!

I got excited as I became and adult because I thought things would change.  I thought making friends would be on a different level.  At first I was REALLY lonely.  The downside to growing up in a small town I never really learned how to make NEW friends.  I had the same friends like pretty much my whole childhood.  With the exception of Jenny who we barely talk if you would even consider barely since becoming adults.

So because I didn’t learn how to make new friends I became a bit of a recluse.  I don’t consider myself a very “interesting” person.  I don’t have a cool sense of style, I’m not funny, witty, pretty, In fact at times I am probably not very likable at all.

Sometimes I really don’t like people at all…. Still, there is a pull.  At first I was super lonely.  I was young and was with my 1st husband and very isolated.  When I left my husband I thought a whole new world would open up for me.  In some ways it has but in others it has not.

While being a mom sometimes helps get a conversation going and if another mom is around well, we can just talk each others ears off about diaper rashes, throw up and poopy diapers.  But what about non mom’s OR ya know what about other topics OTHER than kids??? I mean I can’t talk about them all.the.time.

Ugh, that was my safety net, my *something to talk about*… Now, it’s kind of gone. I don’t have as many questions as before and well, new moms want to learn their own way of course and that’s cool too.

So here I am again alone…. I can only think of ONE true friend I have.  Even she and I don’t get to talk much even though we live about 10 minutes away.  Sad really but we just get busy I guess???

I look at my things like my Facebook for instace and see a hundred and something “friends” and think half of these people don’t give two shits about me and my family.  ya know?  Hell, some people on there I don’t really even know at all.  Most are other mommies in groups that I follow.

I find myself as I age to being more and more to myself. I find that I don’t want to be around people because the reactions of others has left me very insecure.  I always wonder does so and so really like me?  Are they f’ing with me?  When will I find out that they really were not a friend?

Honestly, I think most are just nice.  I mean what have I offered them?  Am I even a good friend?  Maybe not? I don’t know.  I thought making friends as an adult would be easier but in my experience I have found it quiet hard.  Finding what you truly seek in a friend really isn’t an easy task at least not for a person like me.

So… I just… be…. I am just here, doing my thing…. Being a mom…. Driving my SO insane because he wishes I had friends lol all the while wondering to myself on one hand why can’t I too have friends and then second feel pathetic for even caring to.