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wearechangeIn this journey, fighting the fight, battling the scale day in and day out but do you really know WHY you are doing it?

For most the obvious answer is to lose weight and or get fit.  But have you sunk deeper in thought to WHY you want to lose this weight or get fit?  What was the moment that made you think in your mind that the body you had needed change?

Weight for me is something I have had on my mind since I can remember.  I know well into adolescents when my journey first began.  As I grew into a teenager I did the typical crash dieting, starving myself and exercising a ton.  Even then I still wasn’t “thin”.  I could never look like the girls I admired.

After the birth of my babies my weight went completely out of control.  During my marriage with my ex most of my weight loss was done for him.  It was very apparent that my body was not acceptable to him.  I was repulsive I think at times and who wants their husband to shutter at the very glance of their wife’s body.

After my divorce I went on the divorce diet, this diet consisted of working so much to keep myself busy I just didn’t really eat.  I did however, get my thyroid regulated which I am sure helped and well, you can ever meet Mr. Right all fat and frumpy right?

While, I was not highly overweight when I met D (I was about 170) my body size was not too bad at this point.  Of course many of you know the story from there.  But see this time I didn’t have a man who was repulsed by my body.  In fact he embraces me in all shapes and sizes.

I could use him as my excuse.  I have my children of course don’t get me wrong but well, if they were a sole reason I probably would have been thin ages a go.  So what was left?  Can you guess it?

ME!!! It’s ME I had to do this for myself.  I had to decided though just WHY do I want this.  Sure I want to be healthy for D and the kids those things are a given.  But for me some of it yes, is vanity.  I want to have what I believe to be a healthier looking body.  But for the most part I want my body in the INSIDE to be just as healthy looking as the body on my outside.

I do sometimes wonder if people never said anything about weight in general how we would perceive ourselves and others.  There is no question in my mind that the parts of me that want to be skinny does so because we are told we should be.  On the other hand, the other parts of me knows that I feel CRAPPY bigger and less crappy smaller.

You can’t ignore that.  You can’t ignore wanting to run and be active while knowing if you tried you would be lucky to last seconds or a few mere minutes.  So even with vanity reasons aside deep down our BODIES know that too much weight HURTS it!  Enables it, CONTROLS it in ways we don’t like!

I don’t want to feel tired all the time, I don’t want to feel like I can’t be active, play with my kids, do things that fit skinny people can do.  I don’t want to cry in dressings rooms, avoid buying clothes, no smile, feel like I am unattractive, I don’t want to hate myself, my body and who I am.

I want my children to see me as an example for their lives.  The importance of health, and while sometimes they hate I don’t allow things all the time (somethings are rare treats) and I do fear this will back fire on them as they get on their own they will gorge these missed items.  I just want them to see that it’s important we are healthy!

I don’t want my body to determine the things I do!  And THAT is why I am here!  So why are you?