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OMG I want to SCREAM, SHOUT, YELL, RIP something apart, hit something I don’t know!  I am SICK of this stupid journey.  I am upset with myself, my body, and my health.  It’s NOT FAIR!  It’s just not!  There I said it!

Yesterday, I wrote to you about what’s new and in that post I realized in the past 10 months I am right back where I started and not only that BUT I am 3 lbs HEAVIER!  FREAKING HEAVIER!  Are you KIDDING ME????

A BIG part of me wants to throw in the towel, say screw it!  Fine!  I will just blow up, being some laughing joke and die!  I cried last night after the thought all the work I had put into the past months and this is what I get????

Apart of me thinks, well, it’s your fault I mean you could have done more, you stopped working out (despite that I lost at the same rate as when I was) you stopped counting your calories (except for when I started back and still didn’t go anywhere weight wise).  As much as I want to talk this into being my fault, I feel in my core something is WRONG.

I want to walk up to a doctor and shake them and say FIX ME!  I want ME again.  I want to wear NORMAL clothes, I don’t want to feel a LUMPY body, I want to see my cheek bones again.  I want to do things and not be out of breath (that I know they can’t do much for me).

I am 31 yrs old, I’m NOT old!  I watch my ankles creep with fluid day in and day out.  I watch my stomach bloat where some days I have a distance from the steering wheel and others I don’t.  I want SOMEONE who can do SOMETHING to LISTEN to me.

Am I crazy?  In denial? Have I just convinced myself it’s something else so I can I don’t know…. eat?  Why won’t it GO AWAY and STAY AWAY????  WHY!?! What am I doing wrong???? and if it’s NOT me than HOW do I get THEM to listen?

I feel depressed and defeated… I want to curl up, cry and just be…. I don’t want to accept this is my forever body.  This can’t be my forever hell!  I have to figure this out that is all there is to it.  I have to force myself to do things I don’t want to do and just figure it out.

What other choice do I have????