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Well I am up 4lbs from last week, if you go by the doctors scale that’s 10lbs gain in the past two weeks.  I can’t say I have been a 100% good and I do know AF is expected any day.  BUT I can’t help but worry at that number creeps up.  I don’t get it much, for the fact I was still counting the calories even the bad days so I know the numbers don’t add up. I know my ankle has been swelling off and on lately and honestly it sucks because until it turns into massive swelling the doctors don’t care!

Why must it be an emergency before someone see’s it?  I don’t get it.  I have come to the conclusion as much as doctors really are not out for preventive care (in some sense why would they?) I have also come to the conclusion that because of other patients is why I get screwed over!  Because other patients said they did everything, they exercised, they ate right, because they said they didn’t know why when they did.  Because other patients lie, I suffer.  I suffer because other things cause what my issue is so they look at that.

The first question I get asked when I see a doctor is if I had diabetes.  Ya, at 170 they didn’t ask me that.  Not at all.  I’m not saying it’s not an important question to ask, or that I don’t know that those who weigh more have a higher rate of developing diabetes.  But don’t look and assume, or how about this just ask all your patients! You don’t have to be fat to be diabetic!  Don’t look at me and assume you know what’s wrong with me, how to fix me and what I should do before knowing what’s really been going on.

I am sick of it.  I am sick of the waiting, and breathing issues, the fat.  I am sick of eating right (not saying I was great this week don’t get me wrong) but I have been time and time again, doing all the “right” things to barely if at all get anywhere.  All the while, I watch my friends and friends of friends do what “they” say to do to lose weight and low and behold they lose it.

I use to be that girl.  I use to be able to lose weight if I really wanted to.  As long as my thyroid levels were good I could lose weight.  I just had to TRY and KEEP trying.  and I WAS…. I had lost over 60 pounds.  I use to shock doctors all the time, even when I was just 200lbs because even at 200 I had a clean bill of health.  I had great blood pressure, cholesterol, I could do more than most people who weigh less than I did.  And then the clots happened…. I can’t say the clots are why it all went down hill because it’s hard to know what all really came first, or if it all was just things that were slowly developing and I had no clue.

Like doctors I thought it was “just” my thyroid.  Well that’s “normal” now so what’s next, what’s your excuse?  That I’m old, that I should just drop down to 1200 calories now or hell let’s go less, will that work, that 4 miles a day wasn’t enough, I must be doing too little.  How much MORE would I have to do to actually be a success!  How much MORE do I have to do just to lose weight.  I wish, I wish my only issue was just that I don’t eat right.  While, it’s still there, hell, I won’t lie I like pizza and a ton of other good foods that are not “good for you” but ya know what, I didn’t mind eating those less, or not at all when doing so gave results.  I don’t know…

I feel almost like I am fighting a fight that can’t be won.  January can’t come soon enough so maybe for once I can get started in getting some answers!  God give me answers! It’s all I ask.