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I got up this morning like many others.  A child’s foot at my head, my phone alarm going off while my lazy butt laid there ignoring it just waiting for it to stop, and a bright bathroom light on because D never knows how to turn off a light in the mornings…. Yawn, that 5:30am came way too quick….

I got all the kids up, make M’s hair all pretty, D made us some eggs and off we went to take him to work and me to my INR appointment.  I was for sure today the numbers wouldn’t be right.  I have felt blah lately, bruises keep popping up and of course the breathing crap is still here.

Apart of me kept saying, eh, your just out of shape.  Deep down I know this isn’t true.  Just like how I still occasionally will weigh myself on a scale I KNOW is off and yet, I torture myself.  The appointment started off like normal, Signed in and went to the next room to have my blood pressure taken to only find that they now require a weigh in to all patients.  I informed the lady was not very nice of her.  One must mentally prepare for such things.  I did however, respect her whispering the number to me.  I will say it was 5lbs lighter than what my stupid scale said at home and that was WITH jeans on!  See, why do I keep using this scale!

Anyways, so weighed, did the blood pressure routine which felt like my arm was getting squeezed off.  The think just keep squeezing and squeezing.  I mean, I wonder if an arm really could “pop off?” no?  Probably not?  Then it was off to the next room where they prick my finger, that kind of hurt today too!  Normally, it doesn’t bother me.  Guess I am sensitive today.  Back tracked to think of when my last AF was (I am sure I could have just looked on here hahaa) and then waited for the doc!

INR was 2 even today for those who don’t know that’s an okay range.  He wasn’t too happy because it’s going down again BUT it still normal so he is allowing me to wait to come back until November 2nd.  Phew, those ever week to every two-week appointments were a pain!

I told him about the breathing thing, and asked if I should be getting that.  He said I needed to get my PCP to see me and see if they can do a stress test.  I said well, yeah if I can get in.  I think it’s a good idea though, he was a bit worried but said he doesn’t believe it’s clotting or at least right now being a concern since my levels are good enough to care for any even if it was (meaning I would highly unlikely die from a clot right now).

I have gotten scared to do much since the onset of the breathing issues AND I have noticed small swelling in my feet again.  My feet were doing so good.  And now it’s coming back.  Of course, since you can’t ya know stick a finger on it and it stay to any doctor this isn’t much of a concern because they like to take you seriously when your issues are now serious!  What happened to prevention? sigh….

So I guess monday I will try to see if my PCP will see me sooner.  Such is life.  In the mean time I am torn on what to do.  I was going to try to get a gym membership and now I keep having visions of me working out and falling over dead.  I know it’s not suppose to happen but having two major things happens in one year that have both almost killed you and both started with a shortness of breath, one tends to think twice about activity by all means that too has you gasping for air.

I wonder though if these fears will ever go away.  Will I ever run again with out this fear.  I guess someone said it right the other day how sometimes it’s best not to tell a patient the full dirty truth.  I think being told in the ER “ya know when people just fall over dead”? the doctor asks and me replying um, yeah I guess??? to him saying “well that’s because they have clots in your lungs and that’s what you have”!

After something like that, and my events with the pulmonary edema you start to second guess any pain, or weird something or nothing.  It’s annoying.  I just want to feel normal, whatever normal is.

Either way, tomorrow we are having a party for D’s birthday!  I really hope people come.  A few have rsvp’d but ya know how that goes sometimes.  It seems people now days have been more of a stop and go and we miss having friends over for hours.  (does our house smell?) kidding…. I get it but still. I hope it turns out well.  I hope everyone has a great weekend. 🙂

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