I have realized there are some major changes that need to happen in my life.  I am not quiet sure all that needs to be changed, and what all will be changed but that I am not happy with things in my life.

I know that one of the biggest changes is with in myself.  I am really considering taking the plunge into counseling.  I would rather not have to spend my money with that lol BUT it’s for the better and hopefully will be money well spent.  I mean you want to live a long happy life, you have to fix the mental stuff first.

I have realized that I have huge issues with this past year and doctors.  I carry a lot of pain, fear and uncertainty for the turn of the events and almost losing my life because people wouldn’t listen to me.  I felt like I just flat-out didn’t matter.  I was just another number.  I am sick of being a number.  But I think I have some deep scars that need to be dealt with because of it.

Ironically the c-section doesn’t hurt me, I feel that was necessary aside for show Derrick I can rock at giving birth (for I did 3 times before) I have accepted that it is what it is.  I can accept at least this.

My past, oh lordy my past, there is just too much too it and pain….. My family and “friends”.  Over the years I have found I really don’t have any family at all and very few friends.  While I don’t think it’s horrible to not have a ton of friends I would like to have a life full of love, happiness and people I love to be around.  So I need help majorly with this.

Image, I really hate my image, I despise how I look to the point I find it down right disgusting.  No compliment my soon to be husband can make that will make me feel  any different.  I just don’t like it, I don’t find my body the least bit attractive and overall have a huge hate for it.  I hate how it looks, I hate that I feel it has failed me, and I hate that I feel I can’t do a lot of the things I so desperately want to do.

While, I don’t think I am ugly (face wise at least) I do think my body is pretty gross.  I know though I have to come to some acceptance of my body or I will never be fixed.

I want to get into a good exercise routine and found out on October 1st D’s new hours goes into effect so hopefully I will have a gym membership next month.  I have went back and forth with this and at this point I think the time alone will be good for me.

I need an outlet, I don’t have one.  I sit at home Monday – Friday for the first 4 hrs working, then I feed, and put M down for a nap which at times ends up me taking one too, then she gets up, sometimes I work some more, do home work with the kids, dinner, a little family time and it’s already bed time again.  I feel I have NO TIME.

I feel like I do nothing, and I feel like I don’t really interact with my family either.  I also have a desire to give back to my community, and I want to check in the midwife thing.  It keeps pulling and pulling and I keep tugging back because I can’t for the life of me can figure out how in the world to even make it work.

I have so many many many god a bazillion things on my mind that I can’t even think.  I feel like sometimes I get trapped in my virtual world that I don’t even know what’s going on outside the real one.  Heck I considered ditching social networks for a while and just focus on myself (this blog is all I would keep and my email).

I don’t know, but something needs to change.  D and I have been doing tons with our finances to change that part of our lives which is exciting I just need the rest in check too… I want us to have a good and happy life together so somewhere, some how there has got to be some change!

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