Since I have started back it has felt like I am just completely starting over!  It feels like any other time that I have tried to lose weight.  I just don’t have a passion for it and it sucks.  I hate the way that I feel and yet I just don’t have that fire under my butt to make the daily effort.

I will do great for days and then I will blow it, and instead of just blowing it for that one day my tongue has now had the taste of whatever it was missing and I just blow it some more.  OR I will do great ALL day and at night go nuts.  It’s stupid honestly, I am grown I know better and I do it anyways and then want to cry about it later.

But right now in this day and time it’s like it feels hopeless and impossible.  I can’t stand that feeling.  I can’t stand putting in tons of effort to seeing little to no results. THAT really upsets me.  I can’t stand that I couldn’t get anyone to listen to me and I was once again ignored.  I can’t stand that I have just keep waiting to just take the matters in my own hands (paying for my own health care).

I was so fired months ago because I had a mission.  To prove doctors wrong so they would be FORCED to listen to me, Or so I thought?  I thought if I showed them they were wrong, did everything they said to do, it would make them stop and think maybe something else is up and they would investigate.  But nope, the door was shut in my face and I cannot even SEE a doctor any time soon through them to know anything.

All the while I sit here basically maintaining which yeah, is totally better than gaining a ton of weight.  But now I just fluctuate between 5lbs.  There is NO way I am destined to be this weight for the rest of my life!  It just can’t be!  I am still going for the gym membership I just have to wait for D’s hours to change.  As great as it sounds to say get up at 5am to work out I know I won’t.

I know me.  So I will not set me up for failure.  I will be realistic, and that’s what I was trying to do with food too.  But it feels like it’s back firing.  I want my fire back! I want my reasons, my desires to burn so bright that I just do whatever it takes.  Sigh….. I don’t want to this to be just another weight loss story that goes no where……