Sometimes I feel like I am a skinny girl in a fat girl’s body.  Most days I don’t “feel” big.  However, here lately I sure do…  Since I started my, “go a head of eat what you want; why does it matter mindset”? I have found that I feel rather “puffy”.

I have found myself longing to work out and I am not quiet sure yet what is stopping me.  Aside from the fact I know its work…. Which I do know that is apart of it I guess, but the main part is just putting in all that work, you expect results.

How many people would continue doing something if they didn’t really get results?  I say this knowing that even if I didn’t get much result from the scale, I got results in other ways.  I was feeling better in the mornings and I wasn’t tired all.the.time.

I HAD results.  So why is it so hard to just jump back into things???? Am I afraid to fail?  Am I afraid to succeed?  It may sound silly but a lot of people fear success.  I have been one of the few that fear happiness.  I always have because, I always knew that sadness followed.

I feel like I can achieve great things, and I mean GREAT things.  I feel like I have loads of potential and here I sit on my couch like a bum.  Why?  I have the tools to be successful and yet I have an excuse of why everything I want just won’t work…..

I can’t be a midwife yet because we are not financially set to be a one income family (this is true), I can’t exercise because it’s too hot, I don’t have the time, I don’t like the video’s I have, my computer doesn’t work so I can’t play the video’s, I can’t afford a gym membership, I can’t lose weight because my body is against me, I can’t see good doctors because I don’t have good health insurance.

While all of these ARE true, I still hear my soon to be husband in my head saying if you want it bad enough you will make it happen.

Let me be frank, I consider myself a realist.  I am not one of those people that typically say you can do anything you put your mind to.  I tend to think it’s something people say to motivate people.  But do I think the blind guy will be able to see just because he has the desire?  No, I don’t

Will the mentally retarded (I’m not calling names here) become president?  No, probably not.  BUT does it mean that one cannot TRY or find a way around the obstacle to either still have what they want OR something pretty darn close?  Yes, I think you can.

See this way of thinking means you have limitations.  I personally believe we all do, however, the problem with limitations sometimes it follows excuses.  I do however; feel that one should have realistic expectations.

There is a point to all of this I swear… lol See for me being skinny almost feels like an unrealistic expectation at times.  For a normal person sure…. But in the here and now it feels almost impossible.  I look at a runner and think, I could do that!  But of course given the chance I would die in like 2 seconds in.  It’s easy to say we can do things before we even try.

When I started this challenge to myself one of my biggest fears was to a year or so from then to be the same weight or not much smaller.  It has now been 5 months and I am still about what I was.

I see people surpass me left and right and while I know this isn’t a game, it’s not a race.  The skinny girl inside of me is screaming to come out.  I feel like I keep feeding her a donut and say shut up it’s just not happening????

The problem is I KNOW that I have limitations; I also know that I can over come these limitations if I stay committed to finding answers and solutions.  If I need better doctors then I have to find out how I can obtain that, if I want to be a midwife, then I have to make us a one income family, If I want to be skinny then I have to be able to commit myself.

I logically get and understand all of this…. So why, why I ask you am I still here feeling like the dreams I had from weight, weddings to my career all are starting to feel daily like long lost dreams that too will fade like a pair of old denim jeans????

Tell me, what was your ah ha! Moment?  What FORCES you, DRIVES you to do all you do….. What makes you get out of bed every morning to be all you can be… What IN YOU NOT OTHERS (I say not others because in the end this is about US not them) makes YOU want to be all YOU know you can be????