I haven’t been working out much lately, okay much is an exaggeration!  I haven’t been working out at all lately.  It’s quiet interesting because I am finding myself longing to do so.  Of course I have given myself every excuse in the book why each day is just not a good day to do it.  It’s a load of crap. lol

I want to work out not really for the weight loss but to feel and be fit.  I got this flyer this weekend for a new gym opening up and its awesome deal of 10 dollars a month.  I am about to start babysitting for a couple of families hopefully full-time and if that works out (I will know tomorrow) then I told Derrick I wanted to join!

He totally supports me.  I thought about doing a segment on here of exercise tapes and reviewing them but honestly I fear it would be like many things I have done on this blog to start to just stop not too long after.  (see a problem here?) lol

I just know I am not just not a video work out type girl.  I think that’s okay.  No one said I had to work out to video’s to get fit!

I am getting excited to see what the scale says though on the 1st, I really am interested to see how this whole laid back approach does.  I won’t lie, I must confess I have weighed in ONCE so far.  I just felt I had to (isn’t that an addict?) because I NEEDED to know if I was totally blowing things.  However, the scale said I am doing okay….

I am not sure if it will say that on the 1st but we shall see.  After the 1st though I do plan on weighing in ONCE a week.  I think if anything I needed to mental reset.  I had gotten so worked up into worrying about losing weight quickly, the numbers on the scale that I forgot the real reason I was doing this.

I was doing this because not to only get healthy but to seek answers.  I knew going in I had health issues and it was causing flucations in my weight.  I think deep down I just didn’t want to believe it myself.  I guess after the doubt of doctors I started to doubt me.  It was also hard to show at times that there was still medical issues when I lost.

Losing didn’t mean I was cured.  Just that things are getting better.  I have finally seen that even though I have made losses that the amount of work and effort I put into those losses were not what they should have been.  People can say a loss is just a loss and to be happy for the loss.  But as anyone who has even at least his a plateau knows how much not seeing the scale move in the way you know it should feel defeating.

It’s also hard not to focus on a number at this size.  It’s not like I have 30-40lbs to lose or I look a little chunky.  When you are this size it takes quiet a bit of loss to actually SEE results.  Sometimes that number is ALL you have to stop you from giving up.  Even if you can’t see the results yet, that number says but you are still making progress.  So it was hard for me to not focus on the number.

The problem was when you do have health issues that number isn’t always “true” meaning if I am retaining fluid then that’s not what I “weigh”.  It’s not that fat on my body its fluid.  That’s not about the food (well it can be to an extent) but it’s not that omg I ate awesome yesterday how did my eating make me gain because for the most part it wasn’t the eating, it was my body and how it responded to itself and food.  I had to learn the difference.

For this reason it’s also hard to take the number seriously.  It’s a challenge how do you not?  I mean this number is what defines me when I am in the doctor’s office.  It’s what assumptions are immediately based off of.  My other health issues have been blamed for that number because they don’t get it wasn’t always my number.  But when that number is all THEY see.  Then it’s hard to convince them there is more to me and my issues then the number.

That number can contribute to a lot and I know this.  But I also know that number isn’t the reason why so many things have happened.  Something went wrong that CAUSED that number.  And it wasn’t my love for food.  This journey has proven that to me.

It has also proven to me though at the same time how I really need to still look at my health.  Just because that number goes up doesn’t give me an invitation to still treat my body horribly.  It’s easy to say well I can’t lose, or I just gain so why not eat what I want.  I totally felt that way!  What difference did it really matter?

But deep down I DO think it matters, it may not matter on the scale but it matters to my body!  So that’s I have to keep doing this no matter the number 🙂 and I am just glad that I have people around me to support it 😉 You guys help keep ME going everyday and I thank you!