In life I have discovered that I am an all or nothing gal.  This can be a good thing and also a bad thing.

The good means that I am typically determined because I want “it all” the bad is if I don’t get it all then I want nothing and could miss out something just because it wasn’t my everything.

I also have noticed my moods influence a lot of things too, when things continuously go wrong I find myself just dwindling down and wanting to just fall to floor and hide under the bed.  I want bow out, raise my white flag say I am done in hopes that surrendering will give me something.

I get discouraged easily…. VERY easily.  I get confused at life and sometimes having the ability to “know” things but not know what they really mean.  It all sometimes is a recipe for disaster.

Lately money has been a huge stress for me.  (Like it is for many people I assume).  I have this standard for myself and my family.  I am also a problem solver, I must have solutions.  I am not a wing it girl for the most part.  Nope I like a Plan a solid plan and then a back up plan or two for that plan for it fails.

I like security.  I am a Cancer girl (born in June it’s my sign) it’s in our nature.  I am not a flow by the wind person.  It gives me anxiety.  I don’t like the unknown.  I don’t like feeling like I am unsure if I can make a bill, if I will have to move and different things like that.

We tried the last month to move, I wanted to be smart, lower our expenses.  Well it didn’t happen.  We had too many road blocks and credit was one of them.  It’s a funny thing credit, because what happened was simple we lost our jobs and our credit a few years ago kind of hard to pay off your credit when you are still trying to live your daily life with no room for any extra’s.  You can add new credit either because you already have bad credit so no one wants your stinky old worn out credit.

So what happens you get denied, you make a conscious effort to “better” yourself, to say hey I need to get something cheaper for my family so we can pay off that credit and no one cares, they just see your credit… On one hand I guess I understand it on another it sucks because I know the possible end result of this…. It means more bad credit in my future.  It’s really a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.  Everyone has “ideas” and “suggestions”… People get mad when their “suggestions” are not feesable for you as if because they now suggested something it must the all mighty plan and you MUST follow.. I mean cause everyone is all-knowing right?

So with the lovely money problems, we were looking for extra income a little job I could do, I touched a bit on this recently.  I did get a job offer but boy would have been super hard and not to mention we actually wouldn’t have made much at all especially for the time period I was gone.  It wasn’t a good deal, the pit in my gut even told me so.  The second I turned the job down I felt better…. Then this family contacted me and I thought ahhhh the choir singing.

Yep, this was it…. But…. it wasn’t.  The family was lovely but it just wasn’t going to work out for them.  They really wanted someone to come to them and I couldn’t do that much once the kids were in school from lack of room in my van.  This left me stumped.  I feel the pressure clock ticking telling me you are running out of time.  I see the calendar, my budget and say I don’t get it.

I burst into tears, why the heck did I feel like the other job wasn’t it, why was a tricked with this family, why on earth when we only need X amount (which is sooo much better of an amount we need now than months ago) and I still can’t make this happen???? I feel like a failure, I am failing my family.  With my stupid healthy and limitations, with our financial situation.  I put it all on my shoulders to carry and it’s heavy!

Something HAS to give…. I am getting to that point. I am doing everything I can think possible.  And nada, crickets…. Is this it?  what the hell do we do?  I am soooo mad!  Mad with myself, the universe, just MAD.  Mad really that things just are not going my way.  Mad that I am trying to make things for my family better and it’s not working.  Mad that every door that opens it closes just as we were fixing to walk in like it was just alittle tease.

And then……..

Derrick talks about the wedding.  I won’t lie it’s not even on my mind right now.  I really could care less.  Not to the part of getting married in general but of the wedding it’s self.  All my plans for that too has fallen through.  Right now I am like in fight mode to just make sure everything is taken care of.  A wedding?  Really? It’s not on my mind.

But he brought it up asking about the cost of the justice of the peace.  Here is where my all or nothing comes to play.  I am like many girls I have dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl.  THIS day was important to me. As shallow as it sounds it is.

In all my life I have settled with just about anything given to me (as I told Derrick).  I settle with where I live, the clothes I wear, the things I have, the car I bought, all these things are not usually things I really wanted BUT we needed them and well at the end of the day it was just more important to just have something.  (so I guess I’m not a full all or nothing).

But the wedding, I have already altered this dream so many times over the years.  While I hate to compare my relationship with my ex I still find myself doing so.  My ex and I got married at the justice of the peace.  No one knew, no one was there and honestly I didn’t want them to.  I wanted people at my “real” wedding.  I wore a stained blue jean skirt I had, a basic sleeveless shirt.  We dropped off our daughter who was just over one off at her grandpa’s, got married with our cheap 10 dollar walmart rings (which the guy who married us commented on and made a comment about how cheap they were), and then ate breakfast at Owens restaurant.

When we picked up my baby my FIL noticed the rings and asked if we got married, we just like it was nothing said yes (of course he wasn’t happy and not because we actually got married but because we told no one).  See the promise was months later I was to have a REAL wedding, this was for him and me.  He convinced me that if I loved him it wouldn’t matter where we married.

And here I was with my just turned one year feeling like I was being told the same thing.  I never got my real wedding. I know how it goes.  once you do it what’s the point after words… Plus who wants two wedding days.  Not me… I told him I don’t want the justice of peace it felt so informal.  Some people like that and that’s great for them but I don’t.

I didn’t want to be in someone’s office as they were behind their desk, to read me whatever out of a book and say your married the whole process is like 10 minutes and then afterwords that’s it. Your done. whooo I now have a paper saying I’m married.  It wasn’t “good” enough.  I know I sound selfish, I get it, I hear it.

BUT it doesn’t take away from it, I still feel sad.  Once again I have to just settle.  To the point it just pisses me off.  I am sick and tired of it.  I want to live a comfortable life, I want to have stuff once in a while, I want so many things and since birth I swear I am told I can’t have it.

I can’t have a damn thing I REALLY want it feels.  So D said okay so we don’t do the justice of peace we just do something here at the house, ugh, that made me want to melt in a fit lol like a two yr old who just falls to the floor like you just don’t understand mom! lol I know he means well, but no I don’t want to just have a “meet up” at my crappy house.  I don’t want to just have people over as if I am having a cook out.  I had this vision this pretty vision.

We just don’t have the funds to do it anything I have visioned.  He was like so you would rather not get married at all????  Now here is where my shallow side really came out, yes, I really felt like no I am sick of not getting something.  This was a dream I had all my life, I have modified it, and modified it, and modified it and now it’s just turning into what seems like “just another day”.

I didn’t want “just another day” I wanted to wear a pretty dress, have my hair done, pretty pictures, I wanted people to dance, I wanted my cake… I even modified it to the beach just him and I or something to that effect but hell, even that costs money and when you have zero well justice of the peace is all you have.

So you say why not?  Just get married you love him, it doesn’t matter, weddings are overrated blah blah blah blah I have heard it all!  The fact of the matter time has shown me that it doesn’t usually happen in my life, the “real” wedding later won’t happen because something else in life will be in the way, the honey moon won’t happen as well for the same reason.  SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS it’s just my life, honestly, I SHOULD be use to it by now. Everytime I plan things SOMETHING happens.  NEVER FREAKING FAILS and it’s nothing small either, NOPE always something big, something that sucks every single freaking cent.  People say you don’t know it “could” happen, yeah well live my life and you will see the “coulds” despite my efforts typically turn into the “nevers” I’m done.

Because I know what I will do, I will just say f it go to the justice of peace, do my thing and deep down for the rest of my life be a little sad I did so.  I will still long for my “day”.  Like I did before.  Why can’t I just have this ONE thing?  Why do I have to feel bad because I want it?  Why do I have to feel selfish and horrible because I don’t want some gathering, I don’t want just some dinner afterwords, I don’t want “just something”.

It’s fine when someone wants something small, a little gathering, they don’t care about the details.  I do.  Call me what you want but I do.  Yep I want things, I want a nice house one day, I want to have stuff at times, I want stuff okay.  I do.  And I hate that I feel like I just won’t get any of it.  I always hear the someday, well they have told me “some day” since I was a kid and year after year those someday dreams were crushed…. It makes one sometimes not want a dream anymore….

Anyways, I am sorry I have been so negative lately, it is what it is…. It’s ME… I am not this constantly positive, let’s do this, it doesn’t matter, life is wonderful I see the glass half full person.  I have tried to be, I have faked to be but deep down THIS IS ME!  Just a girl who is sad because she was told like she always is you can’t have what YOU want.