I started really thinking about it last night and was wondering what is it that I am really losing through this journey right now????

I think most of us don’t honestly care (except the few that get maybe they have lost muscle) but for the mass majority they are just happy the number on the scale went down.

The past four months I have weighed in almost every single day by the advice of the hospital and it was very interesting.  I saw what looks just like a roller coaster.  So I have written down for you to see just why I decided that I just couldn’t weigh in for a while and why you can also see I had a roller coaster or emotions lately.

I have been counting down to a 100 days on a calendar.  This is June 6th  through July 4th

Week 1

Day 1 –   284.2

Day 3 –   281.5 – Down 2.6

Day 4 –   280.9 – Down 0.6

Down a total of 3.3 Since Day 1

Week 2

Day 7 –  284.4 – UP 3.5

Day 8 –  283.2 – Down 1.2

Day 10- 286.6 – UP 3.6

Day 12- 288.6 – UP 2

UP a total 4.4 pounds since day 1

Week 3

Day 14- 283.5 –  Down 5.1

Day 15- 282.2 – Down 1.3

Day 16- 280.8 – Down 1.4

Down a Total of 3.4 since day 1

Week 4

Day 21- 277.6 – Down 3.2

Day 22- 281.6 – UP 4

Day 29- 280.2 – Down 1.4

Down a Total of 4lbs since day 1

Now one would say but you lost 4 pounds since day one (however notice by day 4 I was 280.9) It’s not really the over all loss because in the end depending on what day you go by I have lost 4lbs to I have gained several pounds.  None of the changes were with any greater exercise, one of the weeks I even ate like crap and lost several pounds in like one day…. I know from the outsider looking in maybe they don’t see it, but for me this doesn’t make any dang sense….

I hate it I hate that depending on what day I land on a scale it’s deceiving to a doctor.  I mean just look at day 21 it looks like I am  at 277.6 (which is the last day I went to a doctor) and then say I went again on the 29th then it shows I have gained  2.6lbs in one week I may get a talking to about how I am eating or something , but say I didn’t get weighed in on that day but say day 22 instead of day 21 and it looks like to a doctor that I have lost 1.4 pounds so then I get congratulated????

See the difference????? SEE my frustration?????  Please tell me I am not crazy??? Please tell me this can’t be “normal”…. Please see why when I say I’m down “just” one pound and I am sad it’s because JUST THE DAY BEFORE I could have been down 3! OR how I am now I’m not even a full pound down from the month before…. It’s a HUGE yo-yo.  And going by MY STUPID FITNESS PAL I should be in the 260’s by now (or less) But I’m not I can’t even get out of the 280’s!

Or how about the fact I have measured myself which I have realized that info is gone now that D’s computer is dead, but even so I have lost say 4 inches here and 6 inches there but yet all my clothes fit about the same….. I can measure myself one day and the same thing happens.  I see it in my clothes.

One day I was able to zip up a pair of pants to two days later I couldn’t and honestly still can’t and I weigh less this past week then I did the week I could fit in my pants.  So I feel like I can’t even go by inches lost.

I know it’s “just” a number but lets put this in a different terms, that number to a doctor says you are morbidly obese, you are unhealthy, you have over 50% of bodyfat you have insert comment here….. Saying it’s “just” a number is like saying you are “just” morbidly obese don’t let that get you down?

This journey started to prove doctors wrong…. To force them to see SOMETHING just isn’t right!  But it’s SOOOO incredibly hard to do that when I do have losses (which I AM thankful for) but when you look at the bigger picture, the monthly picture, you look at my diet, my exercise you take the time to analyse all the facts how on earth can one still say “good job”?

I get that I have lost 20lbs that for the most part are at least staying off and I know some will just stick to that and be done.  Maybe I am crazy, call me crazy but I can’t accept it… Not when I see what is going on with my body daily.  not when even 20lbs gone my pants still are tight.  I mean where the hell is the weight going?  And hell it keeps creeping back up and falling off it’s insane…. I want to yank my hair out, wave my white flag and say I surrender.

Am I wrong?  I mean is this normal?  do people really gain several pounds in one day to lose them the next, to regain, and lose with the continuous cycle???? This is WHY I just CAN’T weigh in right now.  I am sick and tired of busting my butt, watching every damn thing I eat to watch the fing scale move up and down despite what I freaking do.  The science some where is off…..  Why won’t “they” just listen to me?

– Signed the defeated one…..