I wasn’t going to blog today…. I was going to hide away and not acknowledge that this morning alone I have had chocolate brownie ice cream for breakfast, to follow some chips and cheese dip (that was for my daughters bday party tomorrow) and washed it down with diet soda (I mean common who wants to drink their calories?)…. I wasn’t going to post any of this at all actually.

Who really wants to be the downer blog?  Who wants to whine and OR not be a success.  Let’s face it we like success.  Success makes us feel better.  Failure does not.  No one really likes to read depressing things everyday unless I guess your depressed then it’s more so misery likes company I guess?

But all in all it is what it is…. It started on Sunday after I weighed in and saw I gained.  I did actually have a freak out moment of this. Silly too because even though I had chips and some ice cream if you go to the science of 3500 calories is one pound I think it’s safe to say that I did not eat 17,500 calories in one day OR heck even in a few.  THAT IS ALOT of calories!

However, I still wallowed, and have ever since with anything that gave me excuse to do so.  This morning was more so finding out that just about everyone who was to come to my daughters bday party has cancelled.

Now the baby sure whatever, she’ll get over it because well, she has an attention span of paper (which paper doesn’t have an attention span so there ya go).  She honestly could probably care less and would appreciate to not have a ton of “strangers” in her home.  However, the party was also for my daughter who just turned 12.

Now I don’t know if you remember being 12, but I do…

See at 12 you do remember things, and honestly if it’s YOUR idea for a party that means you are wanted to come.  YOU ARE WANTED.  She requested YOU to her special day.  But YOU had excuse after excuse of why SHE is not important enough for you to take ONE day for her!  Wow a nice way to show a 12 yr old who will remember this day for the rest of her life?

Dramatic?  Probably but ya know what?  These things stick to you.  They just do.  I still remember my ONE sleep over party I had, I remember the friends that did come did their own thing and didn’t really even play with me and it was MY party.  I didn’t get sleep over parties.

This was my daughters first sleep over, she was so excited she even declined going to her dads the past few days.  I can’t remember a time where she declined to see her father.  She is very much a daddy’s girl.  I don’t even know why I am surprised that so many declined.

Yes, we are not always the best at being able to do things ourselves, money sucks for us and so on but we do TRY and for the most part we do things especially if we know they are important.  Some people I am not upset about, others well, lets just say don’t expect anymore invites in the future.  I am done!

I am sick of chasing after people.  I am sick of let down.  I am sick of being the one who calls, texts, sends messages, talks to you when you barely do it in return.  I am sick of people not caring about my family when you say you care but you haven’t made one single effort to see the kids, heck some haven’t even seen Makayla and she is already ONE tomorrow!  but ya know, you care?

Bull…. I am sick of fake people.  I am sick of people pretending, or feeling obligated don’t.  Do us and yourself a favor and just don’t.  We are fine with out your added disappointment.  If you care, then show it. Come around, make plans, add us to your life, otherwise just move along.  Life is too short to worry about people who don’t even worry about you!

All of this and yet this morning I wallowed in food.  I am one of those who feels like I eat food because well, I like food.  I don’t take way that I can at times be an emotional eater.  I am but for the most part I just like food.  I want to believe I guess that I don’t have some obsession with food as if every bite I am saying “my precious”.

When in reality…. I kind of do.  I thought about it this morning after I ate… Dr.Phil popped in my head (I use to watch him) and heard him say so how’s that working for ya? And also so what did you get out of it?

One thing I have always agreed with dr.phil about is we normally get SOMETHING out of what we do or we wouldn’t do it!

So the first question:  How’s that working for ya?  It’s not, my scale is up a few pounds since Wednesday, I am now further from goal, I will have to now bust my butt to lose more weight when I could have been already in the 270 range by now…. It caused just disappointment and me to be annoyed with myself!

Now, what did I get out of it??? Besides a tummy ache and wanting to now be in a sleep coma for the rest of the day?  I just tasted good?  Followed by I feel worse….

The pay off is, I don’t have many good things and in that moment it was good.  Stupid and silly I know… I know of a ton of other things that could probably make one feel good. But like any other addiction you just want it now.  You don’t want to work for the good feeling you feel it’s owed to you in that second.

I wanted instant gratification.  And I got it.  I wanted something that didn’t make me in that moment feel more shitty.  But the catch 22 is you always feel twice as shitty afterwords.  You self sabotage yourself?  Do I just really believe that I don’t deserve happiness or I can only get spurts of that high of joy through food?

Why is it I get so close to goal and just because it’s not happening fast enough I will ruin it big time to make it twice as hard to reach.  Why do I fall into defeat so fast?

Why do I allow others to dictate how I feel?

I thought about this yesterday, I told Derrick that I didn’t want to do the whole wedding thing.  I wanted to still do a little service because I refuse to do the justice of the peace (it’s a personal thing) I told him I would take an ordain in a park over that any day.  And just use the 10k we were saving for a house.

I thought he would be all on board.  Telling me that is fine.  While, he told me the wedding is more for me then him and how he will do as I wish.  He asked me why do I not feel I deserve a wedding?  For some reason I don’t feel my one day is worth the money.

I told him it was just a lot of money for one day.  I am typically the person who buys things and then later I think I shouldn’t have bought that I should have done this.  I am always thinking how I could have spent my money is a more wise way.

I think apart of that stems from being lower-income and not wanting to disappoint.  Like look at that fool they don’t have much and they wasted their money for one day when they should have invested it.  I convinced myself that it was because this way we could have our own house faster.

The truth is????

Day’s like today….. I know deep down I will be crushed if people don’t come.  I don’t have my father to give me way for he doesn’t talk to me, I don’t have my mothers for they are…. well… I would rather not say….. My sister and I are just not close, no matter how much I try to put a foot forward she pushes away.  I cannot blame her fully but it hurts and it is what it is….

I have a very tiny number of friends, and that’s okay for the most part.  I am not one to have a ton of friends and really that part is more choice.  Derricks family is states away and honestly, I am not sure if they would really come….. Why spend thousands of dollars for such a small group of people?  Why set myself up to feel like I am not important?

Why spend so much money for people to just not show…. Why show myself just how much I don’t really have people in my life that care about me…..

Sometimes I wonder what have I done?  Is it me?  Of course it must be?

But in the end…. I deal, such is life.  I know I have a select small few that care.  I just want to marry him.  So it won’t be some grand affair.  So I won’t have what I dreamed?  It is what it is?  Doesn’t mean I can’t still do something, maybe I’ll invest more in our honeymoon or make an awesome family vacation.  I still have more than a lot of people, 4 kids I love and a spouse I adore!

I just sometimes wish we had that close family….

I think it’s a big reason why I have four kids. I want to give my children what I never had.  My kids hopefully WILL have family.  Their kids will have family.  I hope…. I just hope that if we can give them the joy of a big family they don’t take it for granted!  Family is so important.

As for myself…. I think I am going to take a nap lol….. And well maybe a walk later and try not to continue to self sabotage the rest of the day and week for that matter! Sorry this isn’t so much of a fun and funny friday post it’s just one of those weeks…. I will try better next week! Promise!