I wasn’t going to post this today but feel pulled to do so…. It was this day last year where D and I were told we were going to be induced that Thursday…. My fourth child M was born on June 16th last year.  I would love to say it was a glorious birth but it wasn’t and you can read all about it in the birth of my babies section.  I don’t know what it is about this cycle but OMG my hormones are everywhere….

First yesterday I swear I wanted to bite off anyone’s head that even looked at me wrong.  I had a guy in the grocery store who probably thinks I am the worlds biggest bitch… I was in walmart with three kids got my items was in the checkout lane and this guy comes up to me asking if he could get in front of me since he had one item.

Normally I am like sure go a head… But this day, nope, I waited for two people before me, I have three kids with me and I was done!  I was like no, I just want to get out of here!  He said how he hurt his knee blah blah blah (I swore he walked fine) I still proceeded to empty my stuff on the belt for it to be moved up for the cashier to ring up.   His face…  A bit priceless….

Then last night I was taking a shower and it hit me, like a bag of bricks.  I began to feel like I was suffocating.  I could feel the lumps in my throat, the tears in my eyes, the fear in my heart.  I was remembering the day that my c-section busted open…. the day I almost died!

It’s funny because most who talk to me and I speak that I had a c-section they go to the healing of the c-section but for me it’s the after the birth part that needed the healing.  See I have come to the conclusion that my c-section was necessary in fact it’s what saved me in the end.

If it wasn’t for it busting open I don’t believe I would be here today.  If it wasn’t for a friend Amy for pushing me and Chantel for listening to me I don’t think I would have kept asking doctors, and pushing for answers!  During my pregnancy I suffered from extreme swelling, we kept getting told it was “normal”.

After I gave birth I started having breathing problems and was told it was pneumonia several times, it wasn’t until the day my c-section busted open before I found out otherwise.

I will never forget that day.  I was so bad off, when doing simple likes like going from the sitting position on the couch from lying down could have me hyperventilating.  I would go to the bathroom probably about 10 feet away, and then sit on the toilet for 20 mins to just catch my breath to get back up to go to the couch.

I couldn’t understand how hospitals would send me home when I couldn’t BREATHE!  HOW was this acceptable.  I could.not.breathe.  despite everything I had done, I just couldn’t.  I started to google and found that pneumonia could last for months.  I burst into tears.  I couldn’t live like this for MONTHS!

Then I started reading about Pulmonary edema I found this girls blog on how she had gave birth, started having breathing problems, was too told it was pneumonia, and yet she almost died.  It was exactly like me.  I started researching it and was convinced it was what I had….

I had a FB friend who is a nurse who messaged me and told me she thought this is what I had to my surprised I had JUST come up with the same conclusion the night before.  But I couldn’t get a doctor to listen to me.  The following week ONE week from the day my daughter was born I cried to D and told him that I felt I was going to die.  To collect myself I took a shower.

Once I got into the shower I quickly started having problems breathing.  The thick steam was suffocating me as if I had a bag over my head.  I tried to change the temperature of the water but it didn’t help.  I was for sure that I was about to pass out.  I got out of the water and sat on the toilet.  Deep breathing as if I had run a marathon and all.

Second later there as a pop and blood was pouring out of me.  I screamed this weird scream more like a yelp to D to come in there because I was afraid to move.  I wasn’t sure what happened but knew it probably wasn’t good.  D walked into the room and all I remember hearing is oh shit and he was on the phone calling 911.

I remember feeling a bit better once this happened (I guess because some of the fluid was released).  It took a while for paramedics to get me out of the bathroom.  My bathroom was small and the hall was weird so we had to lift me off the seat and in a chair and then I was placed in the bed.  I was having so much trouble breathing they put me on oxygen.

They asked me where did I want to go and I said Baylor of Dallas.  That was the hospital that saved me.  It took one doctor to listen to just ask, so is there anything else we can help you with after they got my c-section fixed right up and for me to say YES! I can’t breathe!  To find out that my heart was enlarged and I was going through cardiac failure!

I went from a person who wasn’t a big emergency to doctors deciding if they were going to put me in the ICU and it was just D, Me and my one week old baby nursing…..

I broke down crying in the shower remembering that day.  I thought of everything I would have missed this year.  The joy of Makayla, My daughter graduating elementary, birthday’s and celebrations!  all gone!  I would have missed all of it.  I started thinking how because of what happened it’s how we found my pulmonary embolism.

This time when I couldn’t breathe again, I didn’t wait, when I didn’t hear what I wanted I went back and low and behold I was right again, I wasn’t okay I had clots in my lungs.  I went again from a patient they were ready to send home to a patient in the ICU.  I don’t think many people can say they were close to what doctors say is death twice in six months while being considered for the most part healthy before?

What consumes me, what breaks my heart was how hard I had to fight to get a medical professional to just LISTEN to me… I still have to FIGHT for just that.  I hate it.  I fear of another brush of death and what if the next time I don’t get them to listen in time?  What if there is no next time?????

All I do know is that I am happy to be here…. Even in my funk and everything that happened, even though my life is far from what I would like it to be.  I still consider myself lucky to be here!

My advice for anyone is Don’t give up on you! YOU ARE WORTH IT!