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I have started to realize that I have become oblivious to my size. While I think I *get* that I am big I don’t think I *get* just HOW BIG I am at times. I was watching last seasons “Extreme Makeover Weight Loss Edition” yesterday and I would look at some of those people and think, hmmmm, I kind of look like that.

First before I get into this let me say, while watching it I decided how silly it was I was watching a weight loss show sitting on my butt so…. I decided to move and  for almost 20 mins of the show I moved by jogging around the living room, walking fast, doing punches, jumping you name I didn’t care what I did I just had to MOVE that was until M woke up and then it was done lol…. But hey I moved right?

While watching the show  I thought to myself Surely, I am not *that* big (says the almost 300lb women). Then I am reminded at my weight, how am I not? you don’t really carry your weight well at any height or bone structure when your 300 pounds.  Our bodies, are just not made to handle that much weight. Then I thought if these people can do these work outs and still be alive I can up my game (I will follow with those results in time).
I think more and more I have started to see the limitations that my weight brings.

For instance (and I wasn’t going to originally talk about this) when we went to the park, I rode ONE ride with my kids. It was this space ship that just swung like a swing really high in the air. (A bit scary mind you) but what really scared me was the fact that my lower stomach was so big that the bar didn’t lock upon take of.

My son was in the seat with me, I held that bar down for dear life.  While my daughter claims hers didn’t lock either and maybe they were not suppose to lock I still didn’t like the feeling.  We were fine and neither one of us came close to getting hurt by all means, the ride just swings. But the fear was very real. I realised before that ride I started to question before riding a ride if I were “too big”. Looking for signs that may have weight restrictions. Never in my life have I done that before. Which tells me subconsciously I do KNOW I am this big!

I accepted the fact that my toilet bowl split recently probably because of mine or a combination of mine and Derricks weight. While, I haven’t broken any chairs as of yet, it’s still pretty depressing to think you might have broken a part of a porcelain bowl!

When I lay down on my stomach there is too much weight on the lower part of my stomach, I noticed fluid comes and goes and shifts through my body. I am on some days wondering if I am just wishful thinking that apart of this issue IS in fact fluid or if I really just wish it to be true? All I do know is I had pants that I could button a week and a half ago weighing a few pounds more didn’t fit on Thursday when I weighed in lower than ever before and the pants were too small in the waist once again. WTH? Why?

I am angry at times that I am this big. That I have to lose SO MUCH WEIGHT!  Sometimes it feels impossible.  I fear greatly that this time next year I could be sitting above 250lbs despite my efforts.

I look at my pants or underwear as I am folding them and think to myself these are so big! I think in my head they should be baggy when in fact most of it either fits just right or is a little small. Then I have small victories like I can tell the upper part of me is thinning. Today I am wearing a shirt I couldn’t before. In fact it has set in my drawer for MONTHS because it was just too tight and I had given up on wearing it. I grabbed it in the dark thinking it was a different shirt, put it on last night to discover this morning what shirt I was wearing. I was shocked. How can one have such victory and yet the lower half of them just won’t follow suit? ugh. I hate weight!

I have given up all hope to win my challenge, which is fine, I say this not in a moment of defeat as if I will stop trying but more so I, at the rate that I am losing will most likely not win even with my best of efforts. But I will still put one foot forward daily.

I signed up for another challenge too I guess apart of me hopes things will just work out with one lol if anything I contributed to someone who did an awesome job in their journey which is still worth celebrating for! I have almost thought of bowing out and just saying it’s a donation?

The challenge started today the one thing I am glad for is that the scale showed me down 4lbs since Sunday.  I peed ALOT yesterday so I guess I was retaining some major water!

I hope to get my appointment soon with the general practitioner. For some reason this time I have faith I will be listened too, I haven’t had that in a while. So just maybe… We will see. My hematologist appointment got moved again and I won’t lie I was a bit pissed. I have waited months, and this is the second time the appointment has been moved. I feel very much like just a number. And really just not important to the system.

Yesterday I did great with foods and water and felt much better. I decided that I control this journey. I control all of it, what I put in my mouth, how much I exercise to how I will feel about something. I cannot allow myself to make excuses. I know that I need to work on my laziness and become even more active and I also know that I need to really start working on myself inside and out.

There is a reason I have had this opportunity to be a sahm mom again this time I don’t want to take advantage of the time. It’s so precious and I am thankful to be able to be with my baby during the day. She has made my life wonderful.

So we will see what the scale says Wednesday. I am about 110% it will be a few pound gain give or take but don’t suspect a loss. It’s okay it’s my own fault. I know it, it’s a bit annoying because for each step back I take that’s steps further I could have been. But I can’t focus on what I do wrong but to move forward with what is right. So until tomorrow.

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