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The envy bug is that little voice in your head telling you that you are not good enough, talented, smart, pretty, worthy, strong, and just enough in general, the list can go on and on really.  The envy bug will sneak up on you when you least expect it!  Maybe you are at a party and this beautiful woman who is fit and gorgeous walks in with a dress you could only dream of wearing, turns every head in the room and you think I wish I had that.  Or maybe you are walking down the street observing the houses and you see this beautiful house with a perfect lawn, perfect flowers and perfect street and think I wish I had more money.  You see a mother with her children out side playing on the ground with chalk not on her phone mind you and you think I don’t spend enough time with my kids.  Or you see the mom who makes cookies, awesome parties with full decorations that could even make Martha Stewart jealous and you think why can’t I be that mom?

Envy is such a tricky bug because it makes you doubt things about yourself, your life and even others around you.  It makes you forget the important things and sometimes just to cherish what you have by making you think you need more.  See the problem with envy is you are in someone else’s shadow.  You are living your life vicariously through someone else who in fact probably thinks even to themselves that they too are just not good enough.  When they say that you are your worst critic they were not lying.  One can make themselves see that they are nothing, just a pure waste of space and that is scary!

Why have we gotten so worried about others?  I ask myself this often.  I think apart of it is that humans NEED humans.  As much as we can say we are fine a lone there is a reason why people seek company with others.  Because we all want to have something to feel important, wanted, needed and we all in some shape and form want approval.  Where we lose ourselves is when everyone else than dictates who we all become.  When people no longer think for themselves, but just become robots of society.

I envy a lot, I won’t lie, I envy those who are unique who can wear purple hair and rock it, or bright red lipstick and look hot.  Put on a polk-a-dot dress with a poofy petti skirt and still end up looking sophisticated.  I envy those with nice houses in fact I do this a lot these days when I am walking with the kids.  I look at a nice big house and think to myself, what job do they have?  How did they get this house?  Oh, how I wish I could have a house like that!  I envy skinny people who eat how they want, who never have to work on their bodies who are naturally thin.  People who have never had to struggle with their weight, their healthy or their beauty.  I envy mothers who are so hands on, who bake with their kids and make crafts (even though I am far from crafty for I lack full patience).

I envy people who have that “it” factor.  Where no matter where they go people flock to them.  They don’t have to even speak.  They have this aurora about them that just draws people to their presence.  I envy those who are talented, I feel I have no talent. While I love to sing I know I don’t have the “it” factor.  I know I am not even close to good!  I wish I could sing and make heads turn.  I envy those who it seems never struggle…. I spend a lot of time in envy so much so to the point that I start to forget all the things I do have….

I have four children who are a live and well, all four with their own story, their own personalities and they love me!  I have a fiance that loves me for ME.  He has been with me thin and loved me blindly big.  He has always been attracted to me no matter what and I LOVE that about him.  He treats me the way a man should really treat a woman.  I think of all the years I was married to someone who couldn’t even stand the sight of my body, the hateful words he use to say to me, and how me made me feel invisible…. I think to myself how I am so glad that I decided that I deserve so much better!

I am a fighter!  I don’t accept what others tell me, especially if I don’t agree.  Even though I want to give up, I will kick, scream and fight you to the end…. In the end I will still pick myself up and continue…. I survived abuse, mentally, physically, and sexually.  I have survived from almost dying, and health issues.  I survived suicide, starvation and all the other horrible things I did to my body in the name of weight loss.  I survived my mother giving me up, to having the mother who raised me to tell me I was the worst mistake that she made, I survived never knowing who my real father is….. I have survived being told I was nothing and would amount to nothing….

While my life is no where NEAR what I would like it to be, and I still at time envy the things I don’t have….. I still sometimes force myself to smell the roses… Sometimes we don’t understand why things happen when they happen but I do believe everything happens for a reason.  I also believe that those who are true to who they are will have great things for them.  Just sometimes we have to go through all the bad to appreciate the good.  I never understood that until the past couple years….

I may never have the things I envy, I may struggle for the rest of my life.  BUT it doesn’t mean because I don’t have those things I envy that I can’t still appreciate and learn to love myself, and my life.  No one said that our lives would be perfect or even promised happiness.  Like they say life is 20% of what happens to you and 80% of how you deal with it.  You can be like my real mom and hide behind alcohol and denial or you can move forward and accept the things you can’t change and strive for the things you can!  Never let envy over come who YOU are!  Because, just like you may envy some one else you never know someone else might just envy you!

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, sometimes all your grass needs is some love, nourishment, and tlc…..

 

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