Growing up I was a very depressed child. I didn’t feel very loved. At times I did of course feel loved and not everyday was horrible but for the most part I don’t have many great memories of my childhood. When I was 9 months old my real mother gave me up to my aunt and uncle (who I call mom and dad).
I was never mad at my mom for what she did (well, I was for a while after I had my kids) but as a child I wasn’t. Even though my mother who raised me wasn’t the nicest person in the world, I knew my real mom had NO idea what I grew up in. I think deep down she just knew she couldn’t care for me. Honestly, I don’t think she could.
In my house hold some days were fine while of course others were not. My mother had a very short fuse. The smallest of things would set her off (say like wearing mismatched socks) when she got mad, SHE GOT MAD! I remember her spanking me until she couldn’t swing her arms anymore, until the pain in HER hand was so bad that she could no longer hit me. I felt that at times she felt a sense of happiness by doing this.
Like it made her feel good. But even through the physical stuff the mental is what cuts me like a knife. It pains me to hear in my head her telling me “I was a mistake”.…. Both of my mothers didn’t want me…. I was heartbroken!
CPS even got involved once, which after we left I was not so politely told that if I ever pulled that again I would see what a real beating was…. That day the 3″ paddle with holes retired. Didn’t matter though she still had her hand of course, shoes, and whatever other object she could use.
Sometimes I learned to tread my words lightly and keep her on her good side and others well I guess I just was asking for it because I still would say things knowing this would send her over the edge? lol.
I lived with my real mom for a brief while and I mean BRIEF when I was about 16. THAT didn’t work out too well, she is an alcoholic in denial and it just went bad. I was sent back to my parents that raised me by CPS actually, (funny how that works huh?). I remember at the age of 10 trying to commit suicide.
Again around the age of 16 (that time I took a crap load of pills) I told my mom who raised me about it once in a fight she just clapped and said good and wished it would have killed me… (nice huh?). Weird though for years I still wanted her affection? Kind of like a dog, it can be hit but it will still come back to you wagging it’s tail and lick you in the face! why?
My 1st Marriage:
By the age of 17 I wanted out of there and honestly I don’t think I cared how. I had a boyfriend at the time that I had been with for almost a year and a month shy of turning 18 I moved in with him. I wound up pregnant a few months later and was in another abusive relationship mostly mentally not physical at the time.
I stayed for so long because ironically dealing with his words, and his anger wasn’t as bad as my mothers at times. I could handle most of what he said.
I also was blind for years, I knew I played apart and still will admit to my doings in the relationship… I was no saint by all means. I stood up for myself, I fought back and I wasn’t some innocent bystander.
I had three children with him, and I know many won’t even understand why. Sometimes I don’t, BUT I love my children and they will NEVER be a mistake to me!
After being together for about 7 yrs and things thrown at my head twice in two weeks, I decided enough is enough. I didn’t care anymore HOW I was going to get by but that I just couldn’t do this anymore. I started to lose me. I wanted to die ALOT, if it wasn’t for my babies I don’t think I would of have been here today.
Suicidal thoughts are something NO ONE will understand until they are there, it’s like a disease or an addiction. You never really rid of the thought. It’s always there no matter how happy you get. You fight to not think that way everyday and sometimes it just sneaks up on you like a snake attack.
I knew that I didn’t want my girls and my son to think this was a marriage and they should be treated or how to treat others….. My ex wasn’t a horrible man, he had demons on his own to fight but I couldn’t be there for him anymore for the fight. We were just HORRIBLE TOGETHER! we just were.
You separate us as we were fine. We both had anger issues from our past and it just didn’t mix.
So I left. It has been the HARDEST 6 1/2 yrs of my life. I won’t lie. For the first few years I hated anyone who had told me leaving was the best thing I could do for myself.
How, STRONG I was and how I would be so HAPPY. The facts were, I wasn’t happy for a long time. I felt WEAK, I felt like FAILURE, I felt like everything I did was WRONG! I had to work, deal with daycare, pay pills, do well, what everyone else had…
When I first started out I worked 40 hrs a week at 9 hr for a courier company inside and then I drove for them on Sundays for an extra 100 a week. On Sundays I drove from sun up to sun down and didn’t eat those days because I wanted to just hurry up and be done.
I met Derrick a little over a year from my separation and two months later my divorced finalized. Things didn’t get any easier. Well, they did for a little while, then we both lost our jobs and EVERYTHING.
For a year my kids lived with their dad and Derrick and I lived in an extended stay hotel and I rode a bus to my new job everyday that took about 1 1/2 hrs to and from work. In the snow, (which we had a few snow days that year), the rain (ugh that SUCKED) and the heat (it gets HOT here in TEXAS).
We both got jobs, got back on our feet, paid cash for a car and the kids were back with me. We are now going on 3 yrs living here.
My life changed:
So what has changed? ME….. I HAVE CHANGED! Things are FAR from perfect right now. Money flat-out sucks! Since my PE in January we have went down to a one income house hold we had always been two in the past.
Me working for the past 6 months just hasn’t been feasible, between doctors and hospitals it’s just been hard for me to work and I am just not dependable. I also can’t work any where that has me sitting OR standing for long periods of time. So we have made due. We are slowly working on improving our lives.
We plan to possibly moving this summer to down size a bit and our goal is to own a house in a few years! Things are not the best at this time money wise. My health went down hill, we had a baby probably at the worst time imaginable and most things that could go wrong HAS!
I struggled for a long time because I didn’t get it. I felt like bad things shouldn’t happen to good people! They shouldn’t but I had to realize they just DO! I couldn’t live my life anymore in fear of tomorrow.
NOTHING will be perfect! Like my weight for instances, it’s annoying to have gained so much weight to know that more than half was because of medical issues alone. What sucks the most is fixing those medical issues doesn’t then erase the weight.
I HAVE to work to get that off even though I didn’t really work to put it on. However, I can’t control that BUT I CAN control taking it off. and NOT giving up. See this is the longest I have done this to be honest. I haven’t fought SO hard before to actually LOSE weight.
I gained Faith!:
Honestly, it’s never been so hard to do so! With my health issues every POUND lost is a fight! It really is. BUT that’s what makes this journey SO different. I am STILL doing it even though it’s HARD. And you know what else. I am the HAPPIEST I think I have EVER been IN MY LIFE! My life isn’t picture perfect at all….
I had to say goodbye to my relationship with my parents, despite the fact that the mother who raised me cannot see past my soon to be husbands skin, she is just too toxic for me and the kids, and well, she refuses to see us.
It was hard but I had to let go! I let go to my real mom until one day I hope she can find that alcohol is not more important, if she can’t well, she has to live with that consequence but I won’t stand around and watch her die!
Sometimes I want to ship my kids off to Aruba, heck sometimes I want to ship myself off to some foreign country lol but it’s okay. Life gets messy it just DOES. It’s been almost 7 YEARS now since I left my ex. The same amount of time I was WITH him.
And I look at myself and thing WOW…. Here today in this moment I feel so much different then I did in that relationship. I can’t imagine my life with out Derrick and to think 7 years ago I couldn’t imagine ever being happy! And now I am!
Things happen, things suck and sometimes you get a bit of sunshine. I have learned to enjoy the sunshine when I get it because I know the sunshine almost never lasts.
I am going to marry the man I LOVE with or with out this weight I don’t care anymore if I am not “thin” bride at our wedding as long as I get to marry him.
I don’t care how long it takes me to get this weight off as long as I continue fighting to do so. While, I do want us to be in a more financially stable life I pray that even those times we are not we still look to the small things and try not to let it get us too down.
I for once in a long time don’t think about suicide. I look at my kids and our new baby who OMG is about to turn one and feel BLESSED. Some people just won’t understand and I don’t expect them too. I use to wonder years ago how families could have little to nothing and STILL SMILE and know I KNOW 🙂 I am happy to say I HAVE COME A LONG WAY and I am TRULY HAPPY 🙂 and It’s good say!