Bare with me today I have so many thoughts in my head…. I love btw that I do it’s when I stop having things to say is when I start to get worried.  First, I will start with the shoes are getting returned.  They have left me with lovely blisters on the back of my ankle like the one you see in the picture (yep that’s my ankle).  I am just going to go to an  actual athletic store like I should have from the beginning to get a shoe that’s right for ME.  Let’s face it the people at payless are not exactly shoe experts.

This is my number as of today 289 yes, I weigh daily I do so because I have a history of swelling so I have to and now it’s just habit.  So my number is 289 I am finding more and more that this number is easier to say every time I say it.  Why hide behind who I am.  289 doesn’t MAKE me but it is what it is.  I can’t move forward until I can accept what my number is.  Does it pain me sometimes to say it?  Yes!  It most certainly does.  In fact never in my life have I been this big.  I was 50lb’s less just months ago.

Is the 50 lb gain my fault?  I would say yes and no.   Yes, on the fact I am sure my eating did play a small part but more so yes for not making myself see a doctor sooner.  Instead of fearing no one will listen to me I should have just did it anyways.  (Even though no one is still really listening to me).  But instead I have a 50lb gain that went undocumented.  Maybe, if I was seeing a doctor regularly he/she would have been like okay, you ARE gaining quite quickly lets see what’s wrong!

No, in the fact the main cause of the gain is something to do with my body.  I have weak valves, I was recovering from a c-section and also ended up with clots in my lungs.  Not see easy to just bust out and bust your ass working out with those conditions.  So for the most part I really don’t blame myself for the gain.   The gain from 170 to 250 I will take blame. Even though it was in the cause of my thyroid I didn’t do all I could to make sure I was on my meds.  That I am sure made matter worse.

I hate less than 5 yrs ago I was 170 and starting to like myself.  But now I like myself just not necessarily my body.  While 289 is my number it doesn’t mean I have to hate who I am.  My heart doesn’t have a number, and my soul doesn’t either (well some may say it does).  But all in all this number doesn’t define ME….  It is in the end JUST a number.  If I am going to be more than just a fat girl, I have to be more than just a number too.  They go hand in hand.

I also realized that this is the first time I have been dead serious about my weight.  I really cannot remember a time where I actually TRIED this hard to lose weight before while still losing at a slow pace.  I am exercising 10 times more than ever before.  I track my food in take and watch my water.  I have been doing these things now for almost 2 full months.  Normally after a couple of weeks I am done and that’s WITH losing a decent amount of weight right off.  I guess it’s true that you have to really, really have to want it and also hit that wall where enough is enough!

I have come close to the wall but at the time I wasn’t going to do whatever it took to lose the weight.  Now, does that mean I will now do things I don’t think is good for my body all for weight loss?  No, doing this right is important to me.  I want to say that I lost 150lbs or more and I did it MYSELF.  It’s not to knock those who didn’t.  It’s not to say different things don’t help.  I mean If I have to take something that jump starts my metabolism then that’s okay, there is a huge difference in using and AIDE and finding a quick fix without fixing YOU first!

I also learned as I posted before I am a big time emotional eater.  If I get upset or mad I got from bad foods FAST.  It’s my comfort.  Funny how FOOD becomes a hug!  Growing up my family was never affectionate therefore neither am I.  So food was my affection.  I hated food in a sense growing up because it made me chubby so I starved myself ALOT.  But still never was “skinny” I wasn’t “fat” either though.   I hate that I listened to the words of others and I hated that my parents didn’t encourage a healthy lifestyle instead commented on my “flaws”.  I hate that I had NO faith in myself.

I look at the old me and it makes me so very sad.  I have always been the sad and depressed one for the most part.  Funny thing is I HATE it.  I WANT to be happy.  I just feel every time I am it’s for a short period of time and then it’s gone again.  What makes zero sense is how is being sad and depressed any better?  Kind of like the saying better to be loved and lost then not loved at all.  I avoid happiness at times in fear of feeling the loss so if I stay in loss I don’t feel that extra disappointment (which I have had A LOT of disappointment in my life!).  But so has tons other people in this world.  I really do believe that life is what you make it and crappy things just happen!

Things won’t be always be rosy and when you get a happy times just enjoy it because happy doesn’t always stay.  It’s okay too, to feel sad.  I don’t know why we are so against being sad and negative.  Sure everyday all day it’s not good for you, but sometimes you just need to be sad, mad or depressed.  These are feelings too!  Don’t ignore them but also don’t wallow in them either!  All of this is a process.  Weight loss is just as much mental as physical.  Like I know many who bribe themselves which, I am a HUGE believer in what works for you!

For me bribes don’t work.  I don’t think there is much that is worth it for me if I just don’t want to do it.  So for me what keeps me motivated and again this is just ME is just being able to look in a mirror, to look at my body and SMILE…. I want THAT.   I want to feel happy in my own skin.  I want the beauty inside to shine to the outside.  I want to feel good, healthy and look it too!  I want that sense of accomplishment that I DID IT! I won the race!  I got off my butt, I did what needed to be done and I DID IT!  THAT motivates me.  Sure my children and family have been a factor.  But I have to do this regardless of them too… What if they were not here would it be acceptable for me to be 289 the rest of my life?  NO! it’s not… I DO have to do this for ME.

This isn’t vain.  This is doing something that is good for you BODY.  We only have ONE!  I don’t get a second try if I fail this body out so I have to take care of it.  I can’t allow this to be about others, when I make it about others then it’s not personal, if it’s not personal I will most likely go back to my old ways when things “change”.  Changes happen a lot but I will always be in this body.  This is MY journey.  Not theirs.  They may help inspire me to go on BUT I am why I am doing this!  This is MY number so it’s up to ME to change that number if I don’t like it.