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I got some news yesterday that quiet upset me, in fact I will say it angered me.  I felt scared, sad, mad, disappointed I think all in one.  I tried not to feel this way but I did.  It’s a bit unfair to the person I was upset with because I know deep down they do feel they were trying and maybe it was me with too high of an expectation but none the less it started the downward spiral of seeking food for comfort.  See while most of my current weight issues have been medical it doesn’t mean I haven’t had my own issues with food, while I was about 130-140ish back in the day I still struggled with food.  Typically doing unhealthy “diets” and fads to stay small although in those days I thought I was big fat cow… Funny how now I would give almost anything to be that size again! ugh… But back to the topic anyways, I struggle with food yes from time to time.  I know the logic’s of weight loss.  I know how it all works, I know what’s healthy what is not.  Education doesn’t always equal though good eating habits.  Just like that surgeon general warning on a pack of cigarettes that I use to smoke up until a little over a year ago!  Wow didn’t realize it’s been that long.  hmmm…

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Well so yesterday sparked the emotional eating again.  I could feel it coming on that urge to just eat something bad!  I knew of course this was a bad idea, I thought at first maybe I should just go for a walk, or run or something but at this time it was pouring rain outside.  I couldn’t do my work out video because the source to use it was being used at the time….. I wanted to go and get some of these yummy chocolate ball truffle things omg drool but didn’t want to face the rain so I invaded my cabinets and found the kids cereals.  Ah, coco puffs!  Close enough and ate two bowls… I was in that moment where I wanted that tight I am FULL feeling where afterwords you want to cuddle up and go to sleep.  To some, they hate this feeling but to me I love it.  It’s horrible I know…. It was wrong and I knew it.  I am not going to justify it.  But I am not going to harp on it either.  I don’t feel my whole diet is blown, I don’t feel like I should just give up.  I am human, I will make mistakes, I will at times eat something that is probably not good for me.  IT WILL HAPPEN. But as long as I make efforts to make this not a daily event and know that if I do these things I will still reap the punishments of it (which will be no gain or less of a gain) I have to just accept that and move on.  I had not fallen off a wagon I made a choice and have to live with that choice.  I KNEW what I was doing when I did it.  I knew I could have just went to bed.  I knew that whole heartily, in that moment I just.didn’t.care!  And that is all it boiled down to.  Every day is a new day and a fresh start.  I will just start with that today.

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