So I created a new blog last night. While “I am not just a fat girl” has a title that doesn’t scream it’s just about weight, the blog itself originated about this journey that I saw myself on and life has just given me challenges along the way that has effected those goals.
I didn’t feel into my blog any more. I didn’t know what to write about. I know it might seem silly that having a new name would change anything or having to start from scratch but I think the point of this journey is just that. It’s a new journey in my life.
When I started this blog in particular I had this vision. I am not closing it just because that vision didn’t work out yet, but more so of the past of the blog. I feel a bit bogged down by what is and what is has become. I feel like I need a fresh start. A reset.
So that is where My Plus-Size Confessions was born. It’s a sight really of my life being a plus sized girl. I know that before I wanted the world to know there was more to me than just the fat and there is but at the same time, I have to love this fat one way or another because If I can’t love me fat I won’t love me skinny. So I wanted a blog to reflect who I am really am and right now I am a plus size girl. When that changes, my blog still goes with me because I still can share all the things that were of being one and if I out grow it too then I will move on and keep writing. No one says it all has to go in just one place right?
So I hope you guys check out the new blog. I am still working on it and will hopefully have it done by this weekend. I also created a FB for it too. I will still be talking about my weight loss struggles so that won’t probably ever leave. But I want this blog to be more about me and my life. My struggles as a plus size woman and my struggles to lose weight as a plus size woman. So anyways, again it’s still in progress but I couldn’t wait to share. https://myplussizeconfessions.wordpress.com/
Man, that’s hard to say! And as I type this I become more and more scared to hit the update button at the end. What will they think of me? Everyone will know my “dirty” little secret. How will they treat me?
Only those closest to me really know this side of me. It’s not something you typically just share to everyone. It’s just something that many can’t accept when they hear it.
It immediately makes people feel uncomfortable, sad, judgmental, angry, etc. And frankly, saying it you don’t want to be judged because deep down you don’t WANT to really feel this way either.
Thoughts of suicide for me is like being an alcoholic. No matter how much you try, no matter how happy you are, and how much you have those thoughts creep back into your mind and you just want it. It’s like a drug. You keep coming back for more even though you know it’s “bad”.
The thought soothes you. It releases you. It makes you feel free….. You are a bird. Soaring in the sky with not a worry in the world anymore. It feels like liberation. Finally! Peace! Everything has stopped. Your mind is no longer racing. You don’t have to feel like your a suffocating. Life for you is finally passed.
I know many will never understand these feelings. We are told they are not normal, not okay, and if we feel them we need help. Maybe, we do? But it’s just not something you can so easily talk about. I mean imagine talking with your friend:
Me: So hey, Liz…. so yeah, the other day I was imagining something just wrapping around my neck and OMG it felt so good. Sometimes, I just sit and think about a gun to my head and it’s like I am thinking just do it already. Pull the trigger… I dare you!
Liz: OMG me too, I like so feel that way. It’s awesome right?
Yeah…. I just doesn’t happen that way. In fact. If I told most people the thought of dying makes me feel better. That for me death isn’t some horrible scary thing but instead something I look forward to you, well, you will get looks like you are the one with Ebola.
And the thing is, I get it! I really do.
It’s not easy living a life where even when you are happy you are not really happy. To constantly put on a fake face to please others. Because happiness makes others happy. To feel like no matter how much you try it seems you are never enough. It will never be enough. So you just accept that and hold it in everyday. You, despite how many times some motivational speaker has told you to look in a mirror and say you are enough, it doesn’t change that deep down you still don’t feel it.
I felt and sometimes almost still feel like the people in my life although, don’t take it the wrong way I love them. But that the people in my life are punishment. See, I use to hear all the time how much of a coward people are to kill themselves. Apart of me thinks damn that’s brave.
I know that might sound odd to someone. Brave? I don’t know the right word for it. Maybe, “you got balls?”. I don’t know. But seriously. Imagine purposely doing it… Ending YOUR life…. It’s not an easy task and let me tell you not for the cowards.
I still remember the first time I made an actual real attempt. I was in my room with my best friend. I took a whole bottle of some pills that my mom had and went to sleep. Of course, little did I know these pills probably wouldn’t do the trick and well, I ended up just puking my head off the next morning.
My friend caught on to what I did.
I know many wouldn’t understand why. The outsiders looking in would say it was because the boy I liked decided to break up with me and be with my best friend. But the reality of it was that wasn’t really it. I mean it was a piece. But just a tiny one.
I was raised by my aunt and uncle after my mom who was an alcoholic gave me to her brother temporarily while she was suppose to get her self clean. Long story short they became my life long parents. I didn’t get along well with my I guess you could call her my “adoptive” mom. In fact, when I told her that I tried to kill myself after that day she told me good, next time maybe you’ll do it.
My birth mom, she was a mess. I had a few select friends who with the exception of just one. I always wondered if they really liked me. My life was constantly surrounded by self doubt. And every person who came into my life, either didn’t want me, abused me, used me or left me. I didn’t see why I should live a life of pain? I didn’t want to constantly feel hurt. To be ashamed. It felt like death was a way to finally have some damn peace for once.
Staying for me doesn’t feel brave, No, I feel like I am the coward. I am the one who stays behind because I fear of hurting everyone else. I fear of the pain it will cause my children, my husband, the few friends I hold dear and the select family I have. I fear what it will do them, how it will make them feel and more so fear they would blame themselves. Hell, I fear this post for being judge, looked at or to look at someone I know who might read this and know… “They know my secret” and wonder “what do they think of me now?”
Out of fear I stay. Because I don’t want to hurt them. But it feels so messed up. Because, I feel I have to stay for someone else’s happiness. Because, me leaving makes you sad, I can’t go. And if I do go, I am wrong. But sometimes I think, what about you? Why is it okay for me to be unhappy and I have to stay with you because YOU don’t want to be sad? Isn’t that too a bit selfish? You would rather that person be in pain than you feel pain? I know maybe it doesn’t make sense, but it’s how my mind thinks sometimes.
See, I told you…. Most of you just won’t get it.
Because I can’t control how their lives would be effected by this outcome, I just can’t. So I don’t. Some days are better than others. Some days I feel some what happy and others, I wonder….. I wonder a lot. Like many people. My purpose. Why? Sometimes, I get upset with myself, and think of those who do have it worse.
I feel like my pain isn’t valid because it’s not “bad enough”. Even though it feels bad enough for me and my heart. I constantly feel like a failure and let me tell you what, being a mom sometimes does NOT help that feeling. Just have a couple of teenagers and you will understand what I mean.
The thing is…. I don’t know HOW to be happy. I think in some weird way it scares me. IT’s foreign to me. Like when people give me gifts and I have this half smile and I am like… thank… you…. in a hesitant way.
I think a lot about what their intentions are? Then I think of what I haven’t done? Do I need to get a gift? Was my gifts nice enough? Should I hug them? I don’t like to hug! Ugh, I am sure they want a hug? Okay I will hug. Man this is awkward. Yep, they see this is awkward. I am officially weird, and they look annoyed with me. See……… this is why I hate gifts!
This is my circle. My life. My trap. My life feels like an endless trap. And I keep waiting. I ride the bus hoping one day I can actually get off. As much as I think I like the idea of being happy, I am not sure I really know what happiness is. I am not sure I really know how to accept happiness and live with it? That’s weird right?
I am sure I will get replies about counseling, therapy, getting “help”. I have heard it all before. It’s nothing new. It will never stop those thoughts. While, I am sure it might help. It will be there. It’s my sickness. My curse. It’s who I am. IT’s me. This is me.
That’s the thing. It’s not something people expect. I am sure you are looking at the picture and you may not see this sad woman. This woman who fantasizes about “the other side” on an almost daily basis but I do. And frankly, I am not sure what I plan to get out of this post other than maybe someone else who can see it and think man, wow, I’m not alone?
Maybe, to show that we look like “normal” people. We have jobs, kids, husbands, etc. Maybe to show that there is more to it than just feeling blue? There is no fake it til you make it because even while faking it, that thought will still pop in my head. And I push it back down and tell it once again. Not today…. Today I will live another day. Maybe, to show the world who we are. For some kind of understanding (If that’s even possible?).
Anyways, So that’s it me in the nut… Why I am been gone. It’s just one of those times, phases that will pass for a moment. Today, is a not today. Tomorrow… well… It’s one day at a time.
NOTE: Please know, that while at times I have these thoughts I am *OK* I am not going to hurt myself, this isn’t a plea for help and please don’t call for assistance. I don’t want my readers to worry.
Man, so, my family and I took a little mini staycation this past weekend to finish off their spring break week. My husband and I both took off work on Friday and had a weekend with the kids full of swimming and bad foods.
I won’t lie, I swear I think I probably regained everything I lost. Given right now it’s probably all fluid it’s quiet possible. I haven’t been brave enough to weigh myself yet. (Someones in denial) lol.
Ugh, it just sucks but good news is we don’t have anymore outings like that for a month. I have to find a balance to things like this. I know that having stuff once in a while isn’t horrible. BUT I do need to get into the mindset that I can eat out and on plan and it doesn’t have to feel like torture.
The worst part about it was the fact that I really didn’t end up enjoying most of it. I do think I am slowly losing my want for certain foods which is a nice change. But we shall see.
PMS is here full swing which also sucks. It means not only do I gain fluid BUT I gain lovely mood swings like a mofo! Having PMDD I swear is like PMS on crack! It’s not fun for anyone in my house (Or at work) lol.
I am trying to work through it but man it’s hard sometimes. All I want to do is sleep and eat. Sigh…. So anyways…. Here is to a new weeks after vacation lol.
I know this week I have been quiet. It was a rough week last week and this week. This weekend we are going away with the kids to a hotel to spend some time with my sister. I’m really excited.
I didn’t have the best eating this past weekend and my scale shows (boo) and it’s PMS time (yay! NOT!) so gains are normal but I am hoping for at least a maintain by tomorrow. Not quiet sure if it will happen but we shall see.
Either way I will just have to do my best. This weekend will be most likely a lot of easy foods given we will be in a hotel all weekend (that doesn’t have a kitchen! I should have planned this better!).
But hey it’s vacation and well, not something we do often at all! And well, I have nothing like this for a few months from now so that’s good. I haven’t been to the gym in a while but will be going back.
I wasn’t feeling great last week, then the little one got really sick, this week is just one of those F it all weeks and then this weekend we will be gone. I know excuses, excuses…
But believe me my body is ready go to back on Monday! It sucks I have to keep restarting my C25K program but all in all it’s fine. I mean, this is MY journey so with that said it means that If I have to start over time and time again I will.
No one said I had to do things by a certain time but sooner vs later is always better!
So with that said it’s Spring Break here! Do you have any new plans for the up coming Spring?
Yes, I know it’s not Friday it’s Saturday but I had a sick three old who needed all my attention on Friday so I spent that time with her instead of posting my weigh in Friday. So last week my weigh in was 309! My current Weight in *Saturday* is 306! Woot Woot.
I have to admit I am super excited. While I am not at my lowest that I have been on this journey in general this is the first time in this journey I am consistently losing through out the month. I have lost a total of 18lbs in the past 3 weeks🙂
I haven’t found this journey to be hard at all. I still do eat some foods here and there but overall I am not overly hungry, I feel satisfied and the weight is coming off so I have to say that keeping the carbs down is defiantly working.
I also had a very light AF I think due to them taking me off of Warfrin this I believe also made a huge change too. I noticed everytime I didn’t have AF or it was very light I was able to lose the whole month. I do fear slightly AF will come back hard core and all will be lost but for now I can’t think like that. So there ya go🙂 3 more lbs down this week!
I don’t know why but I seem to have a hard time just saying “because I want to”. It’s not a hard thing to say in general. But when eating out, company lunches, being with friends etc. It just seems easier say because my doctor wants me to or I told my doctor.
The truth is I didn’t. I mean yes, I told her I would give it a go. But in no shape or form was she like you are going to do this right? It really has been MY decision. However, I found that when tell others it’s your decision they find reasons to go against it. Including YOURSELF!
You get it’s just this once, I don’t do this often, a little won’t hurt, etc. While I do believe these to be true I found when I say I promised my doctor I would do this, or my doctor says people don’t push it. It’s as if oh, well, a medical professional said not to now I will respect your wishes.
It’s annoying but an observation none the less I have come to realize. I even do this with myself. If I make it about my doctor some how in my mind I stay more committed. I think sometimes this is psychological in the way of thinking that “I don’t matter”.
At least that my theory. So what do you do about this? Well, for annoying people I would say the doctor excuse just works but for the rest of the folks put your foot down and make this about you. This is YOUR life, not theirs. You are doing something that is good for YOU.
Just because they want to do something doesn’t mean you have to join and it doesn’t mean you can’t still be apart of the activity just because you are doing it a little bit differently. We need to really get over ourselves. We need to also stop thinking what we *think* is best for others.
Sure we will always have opinions. But it’s not fair to assume you know all and your way is the ONLY way. This is a HUGE note to myself. I am extremely guilty of this. But hey apart of growing is learning. I think this is why old people tend to be so wise. You live, you learn.
My doctor doesn’t make me do this. *I* make me do this because *I* want this for myself!
I was 309! That’s a new low for this year!
I have to say that I am slightly afraid that my weekend might have caused a gain but I have already told myself I will not weigh in, I will not go nuts, I will just stay on plan the rest of the weekend and keep moving on!
So Friday was a bit of a crazy day. Here in Dallas we ended up with several inches of snow. I wish I took pics but I honestly forgot. I was a bit nervous because D and I had plans for a bit of a staycation. We were going to go to a local hotel for the weekend. We like to do this once every few months so that we can reconnect with each other.
We both got off of work early due to the weather. So, I picked up D from work and off to the hotel we went. We spent our weekend with great food, conversation, some Jacuzzi time, and couple of activities in between. All in all it was a nice getaway! Hopefully, I didn’t regain all I lost but did find I didn’t have a huge appetite which hopefully helped! All in all I give my weekend two thumbs up.
So what things do you do while on vacation to keep yourself accountable or do you go with the flow and say “I will worry about this when I get home?”.
So, I haven’t been around since Friday but I do have a good excuse, well, kind of… I guess I could of blogged at home. On Monday we were hit by an ice storm. Which hey, this is Dallas which means EVERYTHING pretty much was shut down. This then carried into Tuesday. So for two days I had to work from home.
One would think this would give one more time but it doesn’t. I normally do all my blogging at working in the morning hours waiting for 8 to come so I can clock in. It helps to pass time. But when I am home, I won’t lie, I SLEEP! lol What? I need my beauty rest.
Today we were suppose to wake up to snow but nope, woke up to lots of rain. They claim we will still get snow but right now I feel skeptical. I mean this is Dallas! lol but Either way I would like to see some white stuff that’s NOT ice!
So yeah, that’s why I haven’t been around.
So on the weight loss side, I was annoyed this week because the scale wasn’t moving and it’s slowly moving up which made NO sense because I was calculating everything. I know AF is coming so for now I am going to blame that and call it a day. Hopefully, Friday either will be a loss.
I am excited for this weekend though! D and I are going away for a kind of stay vacation. We are getting a hotel room for two days and spending the weekend with NO kids! Whoo-hoo…. I find this to be BLISS. I love my kids but also love some one on one time with my hubby!
So all in all I really can’t complain. Things have been pretty decent! How are things for you? Any fun weather where you are?
Well, weigh in’s have officially started. I do typically weighin almost daily because of my fluid issues. But I feel like apart of being accountable in this process is actually saying what the numbers are!
I hate saying the numbers.
One of the things I have learned in this journey is how much we as a society are quick to judge and assume. I am a great example of that. People will look at me and think 1. I eat a ton of food 2. I am lazy 3. I never work out 4. I never eat healthy 5. I don’t care about myself. The list goes on.
People don’t like to accept they could be wrong. That some things just are not black and white. But anyways, the other part of this journey is accepting that part of life too and learning to move on despite it. While, I might be able to change a few minds here and there I know at the end of the day it won’t change the world.
Because of that I have only myself that I need to focus on in this journey not the rest of the people who have no idea what this journey really is like for us.
SO! On to the weigh in. On the 16th I had weighed in and I was 324 this morning when I weighed in the scale said…… 312!🙂
Now, don’t fear I am not doing anything unhealthy, the loss is larger because I battle with fluid. It’s not fat loss. While it is the lowest I have been this year after looking through my weigh ins I have been close every month around the same time of the month (which felt a bit of a let down).
So with that said, I will continue on. Be happy about the loss and if it goes back up despite my efforts it’s just more to show the doctor. It’s why we are doing all of this. It’s why I am logging all my food, why I am weighing in frequently. So we can pin point why my body is doing what it is doing and how to fix it.
So I will accept my loss and hope it keeps going down. So here is to another Weigh in Friday! Hopefully I will have more smilie faces next week!🙂 Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! I know mine is already looking up!