I know I haven’t been around much.  Some days I want to post and I have lots to say and other days I am like eh, what’s the point….

I’m not really depressed although I am sure it does sound like it.  I think I have just come into a crossroads with my weight.  I feel like my body is fighting against me and I am fight against it.  I feel like the only things that seem to work which are things I don’t want to do.  And well, frankly I haven’t had anything as of yet work long-term either way.  I know plenty that does work for others.  But I also know I am not like the others.

A normal person can eat less food go for a walk and lose weight.  Well, not this person.  I am by far the “normal” person.

I keep thinking back 3 years ago when I was in the hospital and they took a total of 70lbs of fluid off of me.  Now granted I had just had a baby so some of that could be baby who knows.  I was 50lbs less than I am now.  Those 50lbs came back in a few short months.  50lbs of fluid just comes right back.  I think to myself what kind of diet takes off 50lbs of fluid?  But more so there is medical documentation that this weight was taken off and now is back on and yet no one wants to acknowledge or explain these 50lbs.

I mean here is the thing we know that 50lbs was NOT fat obviously…. So that means it IS fluid.  So here is the thing how on earth do you lose fluid long-term and the biggest question why was it there in the first place?  I mean how much of me is actual fluid?  These are questions that neither I nor the medical community can answer.  And yet, all they (the medical community) focuses on is how to lose weight.  But they all treat it like I am someone who just has this mass of fat.  But, what if it’s not fat?  I mean I am sure some of it is.

My doctor whom I haven’t got to see in a while due to financial reasons even said she believes all I am doing is gaining and losing fluid and yet I feel her plan doesn’t signify that problem.  In fact as time passed I was more confused by it.  She wanted me to go lower carb but also count calories too.  Which I will admit I detest counting (or logging in myfitnesspal).  I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be impulsive behavior.  Worrying and counting every single morsel that goes into my body.  While I know many live by this I find it to be greatly draining and mind fucking to be honest.  It’s like weighing yourself daily.  And the biggest mindfuck of all is I have to depend the calories on the label are right and guess what?  What if they are not?  Because I am pretty sure they are not just estimates and then my OCD brain is like no, that doesn’t work that is not exact measurements.  It’s incorrect and I will not do incorrect.

yes, I understand this is probably messed up logic but hey it’s how my brain operates.  The thing is I really don’t think it should have to be that difficult.  I would much prefer someone just tell me WHAT to eat with limits (like for breakfast you need, 5 oz of meat, 1cup of carb, 1 cup of veggies) that kind of thing.  THAT I can do that I can follow.  That won’t make me want to pull my hair out or try to cook a meal and then turn into a mathematician on figuring portion size and serving size.  I need to the point simple with out compulsion.

I am sure this plan exists lol.  Either way in my experience no matter the plan my weight does the same thing.  Goes up and then back down and up and back down.  It’s a roller coaster.  I have gone to the point of learning to just be content.  While I picture myself smaller I think how can I move to point B when we can’t even figure out point A (why I weigh what I do).  So it’s hard to blog about it because right now I feel stuck in this journey and I really just don’t have the desire to put a 100% in it anymore like I did when I started this journey almost 3 years ago now.  It makes me sad at times because it’s like why didn’t it just work then because I was ready to kick ass???? But hey can’t dwell on the things you can’t change so.