Happy HUMP Day!

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So it’s Wednesday, I don’t know about you, but I am TIRED…. I had to get up at 2am last night after going to bed at midnight to pick up my sister-in-law from the ER (her little boy wasn’t feeling all that well).  I have two kids claiming to be sick and a sick husband.  Needless to say, when the alarm went off this morning, I did NOT want to get up!  But I did and now I am here at work!

So this morning I did weigh myself, I was worried because with the holidays there is candy and sweets through out my office… URGH! But I only indulged a little and good news the scale IS moving.  Which I am super excited about.  It’s not even a week it should so that’s awesome!

I keep telling myself I have to keep going and keep trying.

Last night was a great example of that.  So by 11pm I was starting to get hungry.  I had to drop my sister-in-law off to the ER and we all wanted drinks so I went by the grocery store.  Knowing my stomach was a little hungry and most fast food places wouldn’t be very low carb, I thought the grocery store would be better.

I spent about a half hour just walking around looking for something other than ham, sausage and chicken lol.  I kind of wanted some cheese but cheese doesn’t really agree with me.  I didn’t want any broccoli.  So I keep walking.  And then it hit me… Berries!  SO I got me some blackberries and made that my midnight snack.  It actually totally hit the spot too!

So I was happy about that.  I forget sometimes that lower carb doesn’t equal lots of meat.  And it doesn’t.  I really don’t eat tons of it anyways, but sometimes when you are looking for a snack it’s usually the choice.  So it was nice to remind myself I had other choices!  All in all aside from the sickies it’s been an okay week!

I am training a new girl at work (who btw also went home sick) and for the next few days all my bosses are out for a convention so work is nice and QUIET!  So that’s always a plus.  Well, it does get a bit lonely, but I’ll take the peace.  Other than wanting to crash right now and curl back into my bed I would say it’s been pretty A OK!

So how’s your week going?

It’s time to get serious!

So yesterday I got the pictures back from our family photo shoot.  Which I LOVE btw!  However, nothing like a photo to make you say, oh, no! Na-uh!  And that’s what happened.  The thing is I just don’t recognize myself anymore.

I have been dreaming about the gym now for two days which I think this is my mind telling me it’s time.  So today I marked myself to LET’S GET SERIOUS!  I mean seriously, this HAS to end and I ONLY I have the key to this.  So….

I contacted the girl who did our photo’s and told her I wanted to do a project.  I wanted to take photo’s along this journey.  We will be doing my starting photo very soon.  But for me this is not normal “before” shot photo shoot.

I don’t want to look back at my photo’s and be like “oh, look gross my before pics”.  No, I want all to show the beauty in myself at any size.  So instead of pictures that are completely unflattering I wanted photos of myself in an outfit I LOVE!

I wanted to have photos for each milestone something that made ME feel beautiful!  My photographer is totally game and excited to see how this all turns out as I am.  Maybe, this will also be a little push to keep me honest with this whole thing.

I mean I have taken before pics before but not like this and totally not for everyone to see but that stops today!  So with out further adieu here are just some of my favorites from our family shoot!  Enjoy! And keep a look out on my BEFORE pics :)

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Where do I fit in

All of my life I very much felt like an outsider.  I never felt that I really belonged anywhere.  There were a few small number people in my life who were my people and that was it.  My bubble was small.  I liked it that way for many reasons but the biggest one was that I trusted my bubble.

Too many times in life I was fooled by people who pretended to care, love or even friend me to find out they would say horrible things about me behind my back.  This even went as far as my own family.  I wasn’t a bad child and this isn’t to sugar coat anything by all means but I really wasn’t.

If I were to say anything about myself that I could blame was that I was just too negative.  I allowed all those bad things that people would say to drive me to conceal within myself.  You can’t get hurt if you don’t let people in right?

The problem is I have carried this mentality over into adulthood.  Constantly, I am wondering “do they like me?” “are they talking bad about me?” “are they just pretending to like me?” I don’t want to be a “fool”.  As I felt many times.

My ah-ha moment was this past weekend.  I realized that I started to cut a lot of people out of my life.  I mean A LOT… Online mommy friends you name it.  Now, I don’t regret taking many off of FB, I still stand by that for me that’s a place for my closest of friends/family.  BUT I realized by my own insecurities I am limiting myself greatly.

Now, I still have no clue how to really get these negative thoughts out of my head by all means.  BUT I see it.  Maybe, Just maybe people don’t see the things I think they see or feel the things I think they feel about me.  Maybe, it’s just me feeding that crap to myself?

How does one just trust that when someone says they like they, that they really DO like you?  I think being in a world where you see so many two-faced people it can be hard to know for sure, and like most people I don’t like to be painted a fool.  But at the same time I can’t keep living my life worrying about what other people think.

Do I think I am a bad person?  Nope!  Do I think I am unworthy to have people in my life to love me?  Nope! I don’t….. I just don’t know how to trust.  I know it’s not fair believe me but it’s a process.  Just like realizing that even in my 30’s I still feel like a teenager in highschool feeling judged daily for everything people see.  It’s alot to carry.

These are things I feel are holding me back in so many things in life.  How does one become confident in themselves?  To allow even those who maybe two-faced to roll off your back but still allow to acceptance of others without feeling jaded?  This is something I really don’t know yet for certain but willing to try to see what I can do to over come it :)

Even in my 30’s I see myself still growing and learning.  I don’t think it really ever stops.  I think one of the best things in life is to really get to know YOU!  So I ask you, do you know you?

Update on my doctors appointment

So yesterday I went to see my Gyno and to go over my lack of weight loss and what not… So I brought up to her my PMDD and maybe taking something for it to see if it will help and she agreed that it would be a good start.  So she gave me a script and upped my thyroid meds and I go back on the 31st to see if there is any changes.

I am really hoping there will be.  This whole process sometimes is very challenging and quite draining at times.  But hey, I am in this for the long haul so miles well get comfortable for the ride right?

All in all I am happy with my team of doctors I am collecting.  I feel like this all should hopefully lead me to the right path.  I am excited to have people in my corner who see me as a human and not me as an overweight person.  After being through the county hospital and clinics I forgot what that’s like.

This past year hasn’t went at all  like I planned but I remain optimistic through it all…. Who knows… Maybe next year, 2015 will be my year?  We shall see…

You caught me!

I am caught red-handed…. Yes, I haven’t been around much.  I do realize I have much more success when I blog and yet I haven’t been.  I have to admit finding a nice balance between working full-time, kids and life in general is a bit difficult.

When I get home at like around 6:30 pm it’s like everything moves so fast and the next thing I know it’s already bed time.  Trying to squeeze in gym time, dinner time and family time all in just 3 1/2 hours isn’t an easy task.  And then you add blogging to the mix.  Which I usually try to do in the mornings before I clock into work.

Either way I have been with this new job for three months now and it’s time to find some kind of good schedule to get everything rolling.  I really hoped this year was going to be my year.  Here we are at December 1st and I think I weight more now than I did when I started this whole thing.  Go figure!

So it’s all a process to say the least.  I just have to figure out what is the right way to do this and succeed.  One of the things that keeps ringing in my ear that this is about determination NOT motivation.  I have to find just how determined I am to find the answers.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and I going to explore the idea of getting on some kind of meds to help with the PMDD.  If anything maybe it will help with the off and on depression I get during the PMS time.  It gets pretty severe at times and nothing that just an attitude adjustment really can fix.  I know my poor hormones are just all over the place.  I really do believe that once I can get those in check I can make things happen…. so we shall see… I will update about the appointment on Thursday!  Until then hope you are having a fabulous Tuesday!

PMDD

So I was thinking about this as AF is approaching and I am starting to slowly feel “normal” that I think the actual key to this whole thing is figuring out how to control my PMDD… I have an appointment with my gyno next week and I think this will be the topic of discussion.

I noticed (and this is nothing new) but the two weeks before my period I just become almost a different person.  I am far more moody than “normal”, I crave a bunch of crap, I have no interest in things, I have more suicidal thoughts even though I have no want to do so.  Stuff like this.

PMDD isn’t new to me but there hasn’t been any treatment for it.  Back when I was first diagnosed years ago the main thing I was tried on was birth control.  I am on the ONLY bc I can be on with my blood disorder and it’s not enough.  I have done some research this morning and it does seem like there is hope yet.

So I think that is what I will be discussing with my doctor.  We need to come up with some kind of plan to deal with these two weeks a month.  I can’t really have just ONE week a month where I feel completely normal.  You have the two weeks of PMS and the one week of AF that leaves just one week of just ME.

I believe this has been the source of all my issues, which still brings it to hormones as I thought.  The hard part is the whole well, just don’t do it and unless you have been in these shoes you wouldn’t understand how that comment is not so easy to do.

In these shoes I am not me…. It’s like another force takes over, and my brain just switches like a light bulb and then once the “fog” lifts I am me again thinking damn, what just happened here?  It really does suck!

I also met with my hematologist yesterday.  INR was good which is good.  He wants to take me off the blood thinners.  Which is super scary.  We talked about it and he agreed with ME that losing weight first seems to be the best idea.  He was SUPER sweet though, and told me he knows it’s hard (to lose weight) but if it doesn’t happen like I would like he was there to figure out what will work best.

I am amazed at this man.  I really don’t think he see’s a fat woman in front of him.  I haven’t met many who were blind to size.  That’s not to say he doesn’t notice I am overweight, obviously he does.  He is just one of the first doctors to not focus on it.  His first and foremost concern was my health on being on blood thinners my whole life not if my fat did or didn’t cause the issue.  Which he says is always a factor but doesn’t believe in my case is.

And he doesn’t appear to be one to blow smoke up my ass either.  He really just see’s me as a patient who he wants to treat.  Not my size.  He hasn’t generalized me by my size like many others have.  I will tell you paying an insurance premium every month has been worth it for me.  It sucks that our world is this way that you must have money to get proper care but at this time I am just blessed that we can make due for now to make that possible.

BTW I have gained back today what I lost three weeks ago.  It’s a vicious cycle but I am determined to figure it out!  Anyways…. Turkey day is just around the corner so I won’t be around probably the rest of this week so I just want to say Happy Thanksgiving and I will see you guys next week! :)

Beating the impossible

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Well, it sure feels like the impossible.  Apart of this whole journey is learning what issues you have.  Sometimes it really might be you just like food.  I don’t believe that every person who is over weight either has a medical condition OR something emotionally wrong with them.

While, I may not be the most emotional stable person out there I know apart of my issues stem from liking the taste of food.  I just like it.  And if I like it I want LOTS of it.  I don’t have to be sad or happy to like food.  If it smells good I want it.

There are times yes, I do emotionally eat.  But majority of my eating isn’t emotional.  Or at least it doesn’t feel like it.  In fact in this journey I am just learning that foods themselves are a trigger.  Eating one thing sometimes spirals me into wanting other things.

Eating out for instance (doesn’t have to be fast food), triggers my brain to want to eat out more.  I love take out food.  It’s food that I generally cannot make taste that good.  nor do I have the patience to try.  It’s convenient and hits the spot.  Doesn’t even have to be “bad” food.  Just food that is yummy.

BUT I have noticed that this trend leads me to eat out more.  My dislike for cooking probably also plays a huge role.  I get really bored with cooking in general.  No matter how much I try to zaz it up I still always hate it and never care much for what I make.

I am just NOT a cook.  And don’t get me started on slow cooker recipes it always makes my meats texture weird.  Except BBQ making pulled pork in the crock pot rocks!  But that’s about it for me lol.  If it takes longer than 30 minutes to cook I am not interested.  Nor these day have the time to wait for.

I know there are plenty of ideas/suggestions (cooking all in one day and freezing, making simpler meals, trying new meals, etc). I have heard them all but none yet have clicked for me.  So I take it all day by day.  That’s how it has been this week.

I stepped on the scale this morning and I am up 2lbs which is fine it’s PMS time and shockingly that’s still a low gain for me.  But I  have also not been the best eater either.  So it’s all a progress.

We will see… For now, it’s all still a learning experience.  Figuring out what I need to do to over come what feels like an impossible feat!

Could this be my month?

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I am not sure what is making this month any different from any others but we shall see…. Last week I didn’t do as well with my carb counting.  BUT I was very aware of what I was eating.  Each day I didn’t over indulge which I think made a factor.

AND I am ovulating this week which usually means high gains.   However, to my shock this morning I am only up one lb.  Which I maintained all week until Sunday.  So I am ironically, happy about that!

I expect to gain last week and this week so seeing the gain being just a lb is awesome!  I also don’t have the same amount of cravings as normal either.  Like yesterday, I went to store to get a couple of things.  Everytime I go to the store I usually buy two things when I check out.  A drink and candy bar.

I didn’t even realize I didn’t get it until after I checked out.  For a split second I thought about it getting it and then thought, if I can forget about it obviously I don’t need it that much.  So I didn’t and I was just fine!

I call that a small victory.  I am interested to see what the month brings.  I have a few tricks up my sleeve.  I have yet to still work out but I am slowly working my mind to that one.  For some reason that’s taking me a little longer to jump on board.  I am seriously considering ending my gym membership and just trying something new.

Maybe, for me that particular membership served it’s purpose at that time.  Maybe it’s time to try something new?  I don’t know…. Anyways….

My friend also posted on FB how yesterday was one year from my first 5k.  I have to admit apart of me thought I would do that race and I would be hooked on running.  For me it was a love hate relationship.  While parts of it was very fun the end of it was NOT.

Having a rash, blisters, and feeling like crap was NOT my idea of fun.  I know if I did it more that probably wouldn’t be the case but it did show me two things.  1. you still need to train even for a 5 k and 2.  There is a huge difference between walking and running on your own and doing it with a huge group of people.

With a group I found myself trying to push more (hence the pain most likely) this isn’t a horrible thing.   BUT well, it didn’t help me jump on the bandwagon either.  Still oddly enough I still aspire to be one of “those people” who just get this high from running.  I don’t know why either?

I wonder if it’s the grass is greener on the other side thing.  If I should accept it’s not me…. Eh, I’m stubborn if that’s the case it will still be some time before I “get it” lol.

On a personal note, my daughter is doing well.  I know many have asked.  She was a little shaken up on Friday but is just fine and even went to her school dance afterwords.  I on the other hand was pretty freaked out all day and over the weekend.  I think today I am finally feeling “normal”.

We are all on total alert right now.  But we have measures to help keep the kids safe so hopefully I will never have to experience anything like that again.  I appreciate the kid words and those that were concerned.  It’s defiantly one of those things you never thought you would have to experience and I can’t imagine those parents who have and their kids got into the van.  It breaks my heart to just think about it.  My prayers and thoughts with all of them.

Anywho…. It’s Monday…. Got any great weekend plans?  Ready for Thanksgiving?  Have you already started Christmas shopping?  Has your area received any snow yet (it doesn’t really snow here).  How’s it going with you, my readers?

Some one tried to kidnap my daughter

There are many things in life you hope never happen to you but secretly you think it never will.  Apart of you always kind of feels like that just couldn’t be you.  Maybe your neighborhood is super nice and nothing ever happens.  Maybe, you think things just happen to certain types of people?  Whatever the reason there is always something you think in the back of your mind, “this would never happen to me”.

That was me until yesterday.  While, the fear of someone taking your children is a REAL fear.  I think deep down I thought I wouldn’t have to actually experience it.  You pray you never do but when that moments happens you think OMG I really didn’t think it really would!

So yesterday my 12 yr old daughter was walking to school.  She realized she had missed the bus.  A bus mind you she isn’t suppose to actually be taking BUT we are out of the zone to have a bus.  But, she tends to walk a short ways anyways and ride one (keep this in mind).

So, she realizes she missed the bus.  As she is walking to her school a van drives up.  A man asked her if she missed her bus.  She tells him yes (sigh), then he asks her if she is in high school (big sigh, she is in middle school, tricky man), he tells her he can give her a ride to her school.

She tells him no, her mom doesn’t know him and she will walk.  He then proceeds to continue to try to convince her to get into the van.  If it wasn’t for this area he was in is SO open full of houses which people tend to be outside in I think this situation could have been more scary.

Luckily, she kept walking faster and he finally stopped.  He seemed to stay where he was for a short while until she turned and could no longer see him and we don’t know where he went or what he did.  She went home first to her Aunt who gave her, her phone and she proceeded to walk to school.  Her Aunt didn’t know at the time the full turn of events.  She thought the guy just stopped asked her for a ride and drove off.

I was at work when I got the call that someone tried to pick up my daughter.  In that moment I went into sheer panic mode.  It’s one thing when you think someone has stopped and asked for a ride and drives off.  It’s another when they keep trying to talk you into getting into their old BIG van and they are a male AND alone.  After you have told them no many times.

By the time she got to school she was filled with tears and shaken.  Her teacher immediately was concerned.  My daughter filled her into what happened and she sent her to the counselors office and the school security was alerted (who is an active police officer).  So they got a report, called me.  My head was spinning.

For about 30 mins I was going back and forth between talking with schools and details.  The police were going to be calling me to go over the report.  I knew there was no way I could function at work and all I wanted to do was get my child!  By the time I got off the phones with the schools I sat at my desk and as much as I tried to hold back the tears, I just couldn’t.  I sat there and tears just rolled down my face…. Someone wanted to take MY baby!

D left his phone at home accidentally so I called one of his co-workers that use to be his supervisor in his department and got her to get in touch with him for me.  D left work and picked me up (we car share).  We went home informed the aunt how serious everything was, the protocol if it was to ever happen again and we got our daughter.  It was by far one of the scariest moments in my life.

While it’s scary he still got quite a bit of information from my daughter with out her realizing that she gave away important info (like, she did miss the bus so he knows she rides AND what bus she rides now because in our district there are several middle school and in that area not all kids go to the same school.  knowing the bus she rides is a huge deal because it tells someone which school.  The second was he asked her if she was in high school, by her telling him no she now allowed him to lower it down to what school she went to).  It’s just scary all around.  Especially since she really isn’t suppose to ride the bus.

At which, a school official made a comment about how she shouldn’t be walking so far to school.  I was livid.  We both work, no one else has a car.  I have four children and we don’t have a ton of money.  The kids live a mile or so from the school.  She is about a mile in a  half to hers.  While yes, we like her to ride a bus the school said we live TOO CLOSE!  So ya know, it’s really F’d up you telling me kid how they should be on a bus when your policy won’t allow her to!  I WILL be talking to school about this.  I already complained before but this time it will be without a shadow of a doubt that she WILL be riding.

However, even in this case she did miss the bus so that is neither here nor there.  So unless they want to excuse her absence since she had no ride, walking was all she could do in that moment.  I think that people take for granted that not all of us have the luxury to be home, or to afford to have OR be able to depend on people to take their kids to and from school every day.  I don’t live in a neighborhood like I did growing up where the bus came directly to my house.  I live in one where only some kids get to ride.

We do the best we can.

We are seeking solutions to avoid this next time but boy did it shake me up.  It just shows that I am not that crazy mom.  Someone made me feel very recently how I was just over sheltering my children for finding rides for them in the rain, heck I have been told them same for trying to find solutions for them being picked up everyday.  People just don’t see how this stuff is REAL.

It’s not the 1950’s.  Our children can’t play outside for hours and we don’t know where they were.  At some point times changed, too many children were being taken or hurt.  Parents had to step up and say no we can’t do this.  We are not in that world.  I don’t shelter my kids.  My kids will still do things a lone and I will guard them as much as I can to protect themselves.  But that doesn’t make this anymore real or me being crazy for trying to come up with solutions that keep my children with me and ALIVE.

Never again will I allow someone to talk to me like I am crazy (which I didn’t that day either, I deleted and blocked them from FB) for ever looking out for my kids.  There ARE creepo’s out there and even with out them it’s my job to look out for my kids.  To provide warm, save environments.  Just because you were okay and nothing ever happened to you doesn’t mean that’s the case for everyone.

She can’t shield our kids forever, I refuse to live in fear.  But I will be taking even more steps in making sure something like this is limited.  I hope we never have to experience this again and I feel for any parent who does.  Or even worse for the kids who DO get in the van.  I thank god my daughter listened to us and didn’t get in for we wouldn’t have known she was even gone til probably the end of the day when she just didn’t come home.

The thought of going to work all day, just doing my normal thing and someone has my child and I didn’t even know makes my stomach form knots.  It’s a parents worst nightmare.  Hug your babies you just never know what tomorrow brings….

 

Just Keep Swimming….

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming… Dory has been in my head a lot lately.  Between trying to lose weight, work and just life in general.  I think it’s an important thing to keep in your mind.

Life tends to go in some many directions and the best thing you can do is just keep going at it.  Like yesterday morning.  I stepped on the scale and was slightly annoyed it had not moved until Monday.

At first I wanted to be mad.  THEN I realized I was ovulating.  Not gaining (yet) during that time of the month is HUGE for me.  As many of you know, I gain a minimum of 10lbs right before AF (sorry guys).

But it’s true.  It’s apart of what makes this process so hard.  The cycle goes like this.  The week AFTER AF comes I am normal.  For ONE whole week I am a normal woman who can do everything you are supposed to do.

Which is, eat right and exercise and I will lose weight.  This is what I call my “magic” week.  This week works.  Like it should.  Week 2 and 3 is PMS time.  For those men out there PMS is NOT when a woman is on her period.  It’s actually the weeks BEFORE her period.  This is also another reason why woman also get so mad when you blame her “period” on thing.  These two weeks I can gain up to 15lbs.

The part that sucks about this week is it’s hard mentally.  I can usually do everything I did in week one but in week 2 and 3 it seems all bets are off and science no longer works.  At least for my body.

Week 4.  AF comes.  This week is almost as good as week 1.  Because week 4 during that week I start to lose once again the 15lbs.  The problem is by the time the end of the week is here.  I am LUCKY if I am able to then lose the WHOLE 15 and I still have whatever I lost in week 1.

So it’s a cycle.  Lose in week one, gain in week 2 and 3, lose what you gained in week 3 and 4 and pray that you also get to keep the loss from week one.  Now, my doctor does realize that in week one all I lost was water.  Hence why in week 4 I don’t always lose it back.  Because all my body wants to do is HOLD ON TO WATER!

It’s evil let me tell you and a total mind fuck up!  Excuse my french.  And yes, I have done many things like drink a ton more of water, lower my sodium (which that doesn’t work anyways and there is a lot of conflicting info on this one but I digress), eating certain foods.

The only thing I have noticed that has helped has been watching the carbs.  Now, I will say the hardest part is week 2 and 3.  Those week, my moods are seriously all over the places.  Thank you PMDD! Ugh! I crave CRAP…. Like seriously NOTHING at all works unless I have this crap.  I have tried.

In fact I will just keep wanting to eat until I finally eat it.  The trick is to just not buy a ton of it.  I have learned to indulge in the crap but in moderation during this time.  Sometimes I modify it in the sense of if I want chocolate I have really dark chocolate.  That kind of thing.  If I want fat, then I eat some black olives (which I LOVE) avocados (which are growing me), or heck I might just make some eggs and bacon.

BUT I’m not perfect.  Sometimes my mind gets so mad because I gained I say F it and eat whatever!  I know this isn’t good behavior and doesn’t solve anything!  But again I’m human.  It’s hard to see the scale move so much.

These days I am trying not to weigh so often.  I find it makes me go crazy.  I also have realized that I need to become more determined.  I need to get into that mindset of how much do I REALLY want this.  Like REALLY want it???

I mean I know I don’t want to be fat.  But am I really ready to take ALL the step necessary to over come this issue.  Even if that means working harder at it than the average person.  Because when you have things like, excessive water retention, thyroid issues, and PMDD (and god knows what else). It can be difficult to lose weight.

Weight loss already feels against you.  But I KNOW it can’t be impossible.  No way can I believe that I just HAVE to be fat.  There has to be a formula!  That my friends, is what I am trying to figure out.  It’s why I am here.  So many people think weight loss is just eat this or that and work out.  And for some it’s really that simple.

Some people can cut out soda and lose weight!  I on the other hand, I have to do more.  I can work out an hour a day, eat 1200 calories a day and I’m lucky if I lose 1lb a week doing that…. Someone else can do that and lose like 5.  It’s just how it is.  I have learned that I have to accept that.

That was a HARD acceptance.  Learning that some people just have to work harder.  I think it’s like that in a lot of things in life.  Just like learning in general.  Some people are just naturally smart.  Like my ex-husband.  He never has to study is just absorbs information like a sponge.

Myself? Well, I can study all night and still fail a test.  It’s just not that easy for me.  I have to work super hard to learn.  I had to do a lot for good grades.  Smarts, just wasn’t something that was easy for me.  But then I have other things like uh, common sense that is just that easy.

My ex all his went for his learning or something I don’t know but he has like NO common sense!  I have the ability to look at things and come up solutions.  As long as you give me an idea I can run with that and make things happen. It’s just who I am.  At work I am one of the first to flag a problem before it even happens.

So we all have things we are good and then not so good at.  This problem it’s just a not go good at but hey, I am still learning.  Like everything else I eventually get it… it’ just a process… I just… Well, I just keep swimming!

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