I just wanted to let everyone know I am going to be “off” for the holidays. Everything is fine. I am just taking a break to focus on family during the holiday season but will be back in January. I hope everyone is doing great. I am currently battling a horrid cough so I’m a bit under the weather. But all in all I’m doing well. I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season and I will see you soon
So as I mentioned on Wednesday when I posted about my experience on the radio show and how it inspired me to really try to learn to love myself, I have been doing a lot of thinking.
I had to figure out what that really meant for me? I mean, I will admit at this size it’s very hard for me to look at myself and think I am a pretty woman. It’s hard to look at my body and think I look “okay”.
Because, for the longest time I really felt like I didn’t look okay. Society has told me to shame myself for the way my body looks and I was dumb enough to believe it.
Now, I am not saying I should ignore my health. FAR from it. What I am saying is, I should learn to love me at the size I am already. That means loving ALL of me. Boy, will this be hard!
I am going to challenge myself to do things in a more positive light. I want to see just how much weight there is in this whole “loving your self stuff”. Will I become skinny? I don’t now? But that’s not the objective here.
I have spent the past two years of my life in misery and disappointment. I have felt like a huge a failure to the point I just wanted to give up on me. That’s not okay!
I can’t live my life worrying about just my weight. While it’s a factor and always will be there, it is no reason for life to stop because of it. D and I even talked about getting rid of the scale last night.
We both have focused so much on numbers these past two years, I think it’s slowly driving us insane. From counting calories to watching those numbers change daily on the scale. It’s just for me no way to live.
So back to the challenge:
- I am going to start becoming more fashionable. This one is hard for me because I feel I have NO sense of fashion. I also have put off buying any clothes because I didn’t want to accept my size. Truth is, as I get smaller those clothes can always be sold but doesn’t mean I can’t look decent in the process. So each paycheck I will grant myself an outfit/article of clothing just something even an accessory. Anything that will help me feel good about me!
- No more focusing on numbers. My job is to learn to continue to make better choices.
- Exercise weekly because it makes me feel good and it’s good for my heart. Even on the days I just don’t wanna.
- Every month do something fun. I feel I never have fun at times. Money can be so tight and sometimes I forget you don’t need a lot of money to have fun just good company which I have
- Smile MORE… I have to learn to lighten up. Sometimes I can be so serious that I forget to enjoy life. And that’s what this is all about. Me enjoying my life no matter my size. Life is just too short to worry about your shoulda coulda woulda’s…. I control my emotions!
I hope each week (which will mostly be every two weeks at payday) I will show you what new thing I bought myself. So expect to see some changes. Remember this blog isn’t just about weight loss it’s about my journey and people seeing more of me than just my size.
I think to accomplish that I need to see there is more to me than just my size!
If you are interested in listening to the radio show I was a speaker on you can check it out now. Just click on the Saudi Arabia’s Migrant Exodus you can download the podcast from there… The segment where I am talking is 30 minutes in so you will need to fast forward it to get to that part unless you want to listen as well to the Saudi segment. Enjoy.
Last night I laid in bed and cried. I have drowned myself in food which I know not to do and to my surprise even then my weight still didn’t move (that makes no sense right?).
I went to the ER on Monday because I have been having these dizzy spells that were lasting like all day long for like 4 days. I knew I just had an IUD put in the week prior and I also know if my INR goes high I feel bad. We found it was high recently so we adjusted my meds.
Since I was feeling somewhat better I needed to make sure it was going down (and it did) but the dizziness was still there just not as bad. The weird part on Monday was I gained 2.5lbs in my sleep. Like seriously weighed myself before bed woke up and bam 2.5lbs heavier? Like wtf?
So I knew it was fluid (it was) but hey giving my health history I couldn’t risk it so I went to the ER’s outpatient clinic. I wasn’t expecting much all in all but found my self in sheer disappointment when they came back and said they didn’t know why and here take some meds over the counter.
I find out later all they did was my normal blood panel they normally do and my INR and looked into my ears. No, “it could even be your IUD“… Just if it keeps up come back.
Then the nurse discharging me hands me the script, says it’s over the counter to which I explain I had already tried this and it didn’t help. I get told “what do you expect me to do?” I said well, this doesn’t help. I hoped if anything to get some kind of answer so I can stop it.
She tells me well, “some people go their whole lives with dizziness for no reason and no cure. So just pray yours goes away. It could be worse”. Then said who knows maybe it’s your diet. You should look into eating a better diet (this is without me saying a word at how I eat). I wanted to punch here then an there.
I left in tears….
D took me to my friends work who offered to take me out but the chips didn’t stop there oh no! We then found out while D left to pick me up from work our house was robbed. Someone came and stole some of ours and the kids electronics. But what bugs me the most is they stole my sense of safety. I, no longer felt safe in my own home nor my children…. I thought, how dare they!
So the next day wasn’t much better…. I was looking In my paperwork they had this mychart thing where I can look up all my lab results. This is where I spiraled more…. I see that when I went to the OB they only checked my thyroid (which is normal btw). But no other hormone testing. Nothing… Everything they tested was the same exact stuff they KEEP testing.
As if I am going to just suddenly show up with high cholesterol or diabetes so they can say nope see it’s just because you eat too much shit. But I don’t. Okay after that I did. But this isn’t normal for me K.
I was done. That was that. My thyroid is normal, no one will look at any other possibility. It must be me right? How can I blog day in and day out my failure of this journey called weight loss…
This morning I get an email from a lady who says she is with the BBC News. How she found my blog and wanted me to talk on air with some others who were like me (overweight) and to talk about if we felt we were treated differently for being overweight.
At first I didn’t want to do it. As ironic as it sounds I know I blog but the thought of being in the spot light terrified me. I felt like I was going to puke. I feared I would have people who might find my blog and say mean things to me.
I would be in fact judged world-wide because I am as they say obese.
I held on to my panties and decided to take a plunge. (not literally). It wasn’t until I was talking with these two other lovely ladies when one brought up that shouldn’t the goal be us loving ourselves?
We are trained at some point of our lives that we are not worthy unless we are thinner, fit, pretty, wear make up, dress a certain way, do our hair a certain way, talk, walk, act like how ever the society around us tells us is “normal”.
But it doesn’t make who I am… It doesn’t give someone the right to judge me or anyone else because of it. I thought about myself in that moment. Do I love me? Why do I think I am not worthy? That I am still not a beautiful person?
Why on earth did I allow society to tell me that to be beautiful I must be any one way? Why isn’t me being ME enough?
So no! I am not waiving my flag… I am not going to focus so much on the numbers. I am going to try to live each day doing things that make me feel good about ME. I am a person, a human with feelings and I am worthy to be here. Just because you can see that my body has a flaw doesn’t mean that you don’t just because I can’t see yours.
We all have flaws…. We all have struggles…. But we can’t live our lives trying to please everyone. Living in fear, being told that we will die unless we look like this (when while yes, I know it’s true) being thin doesn’t mean I will live a long prosperous life. Thin healthy people die everyday far before their prime.
So see me, for me…. But if you don’t I still have to love me for me even if it’s in a shell of a body I don’t recognize.
I was contacted this morning unexpectedly by the BBC News. Someone found my blog and wanted me to talk today LIVE on the radio about how differently I am treated along with others being overweight. If you can catch it (it will be on in like 30 minutes) you can go here to the listen now it’s after the Saudi segment. http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldserviceradio/on-air
So today was my and D’s first EVER 5k! I won’t lie I wasn’t very excited about this race. While I have walked the distance of a 5k before I haven’t really attempted to run one. I knew since I didn’t really train for it I would probably walk a lot.
So the day began at 5am. D and I got up and ready! I ate some oatmeal had a little bit of coffee and we were off. I still wasn’t feeling a 100% from the day before. For some reason on Friday I got really dizzy and it wouldn’t go away.
By Saturday morning it seemed to be better but wasn’t fully gone. So I decided to go. Told D if it got too bad I just wouldn’t run.
At The Race
So we arrived at the fair grounds where the race was held at 6:30 ish am since we had a little trouble finding out where exactly to park. It was good because it gave us time to go potty (well, D not I for I do like porta potties) and hang out for a bit.
Then they did a warm up of Zumba. That wasn’t too bad. I’m still not a fan of Zumba but we had fun and the lady even had D get up on the stage (totally funny). We had a good time getting all warmed up.
By the time it was race time I was ready to go. A little tired actually from the zumba (which was like 45 minutes long!). The count down begins and we were off!
I would say the first mile I kept asking myself what the hell did I agree too? I did much to my surprise jog off and on. By the time I was almost to the second mile to I was starting to lose my energy. I was getting pretty thirsty at this point and tired. I was alternating running for a minute walking for a minute. Sometimes the walking was much longer lol.
Then I saw D past me (there was a loop around) that kind of gave me my wind to do the last mile. Which was nice! I kept hearing my trainer J in my head to move and run! I even argued with him in my head (kind of funny). By the time I got almost to the 3rd mile my feet were burning. I realized my socks were not cut out for running (I wear them normally for bootcamp with no problems).
My shoes suck too but I already knew this. So by the time I got close to the finish line D decided (who was already done) to meet me and he walked/jogged with me the rest of the way! I was so glad to have him by my side. While I was running I kept thinking how great it would have been having someone with me to push me.
Once we hit the finish line (I have NO clue what the time was) we got poured with more color (they did this a few times during the run). Got some chocolate coconut water (which was really good), some nut bar and water. We got all dusted off with the leave blower (well, as dusted as we could lol). And went home.
By the time we got home I could barely walk. I felt pretty crappy about this honestly. I have like 3 blisters and chafing in areas that really shouldn’t allow chafing lol. I showered and went back to bed.
By the time we got home I was feeling pretty dizzy again. I fought it during the run and after the run it just got worse so I knew I need to lay down. Four hours later I was up and worked a little bit and here I am now.
I still feel pretty crappy and I am sure the dizziness surely didn’t help with the run. I can’t really say I will be doing more races. I might I don’t know but I am not really a fan of a lot of walking/running personally. I did learn that I really really DO enjoy more strength training. BUT also realized that I want to be able to run a 5K straight just to know I can.
I totally feared being the biggest girl there but wasn’t. All in all I would say it was still a good experience. I had a few moments wondering why the heck do people do these things. But it’s funny on the last mile I did get a surge where I was going over a minute at a time running and not even thinking about it. At first I would count and that worked for me. After a while I just listened to the music and ran at a slow pace.
I am glad I still did it. But even more glad it’s over lol
So there you have it. My first 5 K.
So on Saturday I will have my first 5K. I will be frank with you, I know it’s just a 5K. I also know that I have not done a thing to really train for it lol so I am not looking forward to it.
Everytime I run in bootcamp I think to myself how much I hate running and why on earth did I sign up for this race? Thank god it’s just a fun run. I will say I’m not sure if I will do more after this?
But hey, why jump a head before you try right? Right!
So, this week I have done pretty well. The only thing is this is the week I normally do well anyways. Next week when I ovulate will be the real challenge. I am not sure if the IUD will help with anything (chances are small).
So I am fully aware that the past several pounds I have lost this week will be back on next week the day ovulation occurs. But once again, I am jumping a head. I should really stop that huh?
All in all everything seems to be going well. I have no clue when I am supposed to hear back about my lab results or the biopsy. I kind of hate going through this system because it takes forever to find out anything.
I will admit apart of me is slightly worried but a bigger part of me is expecting to hear everything is fine and here I will be the forever fat girl. Or so it feels like. I can see how people get so desperate to try other weight loss methods.
Believe me all of them have went through my head. Even surgery. I think what stops me is the possibility of being worse off… All in all I guess I will just keep taking this a day at a time.
It sucks when I can’t feel excitement for when I lose weight. It sucks to know I will gain it back in a week. I sucks that I feel I have done a lot of work over the past year and not a lot to show for it.
BUT something to be excited about I found some more new muscles. Which I DO find exciting. I also find it exciting when things that were once hard for me are now easy. There are things I struggle with no doubt. BUT I am finding I am having to up my weights in class. I am surpassing some of the girls too.
I know it’s not a competition so don’t get me wrong It’s just nice to be able to do stuff. Anyways, tomorrow is Friday what are your weekend plans?
As promised my update appointment on Friday.
Well, first off the appointment lasted forever! Ugh I was there for four hours. NOT fun! But hey it’s Parkland so what else would one expect.
1. To address something about how the system I get my health care works.
See, I am on what is called a community plan. Our “local” hospital in my county has a program going by your income where you can get discounted services through them. The downside to this care is they will only do things with in their scope OR what is “allowed”. Of course anything medically necessary to be live is taken care of (like my INR tests). BUT the rest it’s up to them NOT me.
I know many of you have mentioned I am paying them so I need to demand care. I hate to say it just doesn’t work that way. While I pay a very small fee to go they don’t work for me. Or it sure doesn’t feel like it. It’s like with insurance you are only limited to what your insurance covers the rest is up to you. In this case expecting someone to go above and beyond just won’t happen because it’s not just me footing the bill.
So in the end I have to go through the flow that is until I can get on actual insurance and I have the ability to see who I want and then YES, they will be working for me essentially. But even then you can’t always get what you want….
So now back to the appointment.
I first met with a student (teaching hospital) and then the doctor came in. We went over everything. Sucky thing is most if not all my issues can always be circled back to me being over weight. It’s very difficult to get people to see that the over weight part is the symptom to something else.
I knew the routine and didn’t expect anything less. We will check your thyroid. And go from there. I did ask what if it was normal then what but pretty much got a big “I don’t know”. I brought up PCOS but she was unsure since I have never had any sono’s on my cervix and so on.
Because of the issues I am having they decided to do a colposcopy to rule out cancer since I have had abnormal paps a couple of years ago and had one which read that the cells were ranked Mild for cancer. So they wanted another look-see on that. Wasn’t expecting to have that test done.
Then they did approve for me to have the Mirena IUD which I was very excited about. We don’t now if it will help any of my issues but If my theory is correct it might. Either way it’s just nice to not have to worry about babies for a while. So I was excited about that and for that was still glad I went.
They took a few vials of blood and I go back in a month. I hope I will at least get results on my blood work before then though. I don’t know what all she sent off to test. I have to say I never know what to really ask for, OR who I should really be seeing. While she thought several things were odd it came down to what it always does start from square one and then work from there.
So the game plan?
Well, I went off the past few weeks from my eating so I am working on that this week. The plan is to first stick to my 300-400 cals per meals/snacks and then slowly phasing out certain foods from my diet (going more clean).
I know that if I just go clean drastically I will fail. It’s just something I know about myself but I think as a gradual change I will have more success.
So today I weighed in, took my measurements for the month. And I will take a picture and we will see. I am hoping the IUD will help, I know in my experience with it my PMS were better with it (I am thinking because AF is much lighter with it). We shall see….
I did work out with the trainer Friday night. Since I had the colposcopy I couldn’t do any heavy exercising or running for a few days. So we did a light work out and had a great time. His point was to show me that we didn’t have lift heavy weights OR do any running to get my heart rate up and to sweat and he was totally right! So I am excited about that.
This week I will be working out pretty much all week. I have my very first 5K on Saturday that I am nervous about since I have never been in one and totally didn’t train or anything. Thank god it’s a fun run! I keep trying to talk myself out of it lol.
I will let you guys know how it goes.
We went to a nice Italian restaurant and then we hit up a bar where we know a friend of his works at and hangs out on Saturdays and ended up hanging out with him most of the night.
We had a good time and ended up back home like at 4am lol It was a good night and much love to our friends who cared for M so we could go out!
Anyways so it’s Monday so tell me your goals this week!
I have been waiting for a couple or few I don’t remember anymore for my appointment with the specialist. I really really really hope they do a hormone panel. I really hope they listen and while I would prefer something treatable of course and as crazy as it sounds I really hope we find something.
There has got to be an answer to all these issues and I need them.
The appointment is at 8am so I will let you guys know how it goes. I surely hope it doesn’t turn into a wasted appointment like so many others have been. Otherwise after this I think I will be at loss of what to do. I think it will totally put me into a crossroads.
But I shall not try to jump a head. I will just hold out hope they will find out what’s going on. So until tomorrow my friends.
So yesterday D and I go to the gym and sure enough we are right. I beam like a kid on Christmas day. I LOVE when J is there. The class just moves along so much better when he is. Not that trainer M is bad he just gives a different vibe.
Outside of the class someone was selling some stuff. I didn’t look at it for I had to hurry up and get into class. Let me say I was pumped. Ready to go. Ready to kick some butt.
Until….Shortly after entering my bubble was quickly busted. Trainer J starts talking about how he found his souls mate yada yada yada. Long story short he introduces us to this lady whom he calls his fitness soulmate.
At first I thought oh, okay she is going to help with the class…..
WRONG! No, all the sudden we hear her “story” which was more so of a “I hurt my back and then started to eat “clean” and I love fitness and feel great. So here are these shots that I am selling and today we would like you guys to try it before your work out and at the end of class you can check out the products and maybe make some money.”
I instantly felt my ears burning, this warmth of heat through out my body. Are you serious???? First of all no, I didn’t take the shot. Not because I thought it was bad but I had not even read the ingredients for heaven’s sake and well lots of stuff can mess with my meds so I have to becareful with supplements.
But even that aside I PAY to be in this class, this whole ordeal took 20 minutes of MY workout time so you could promote YOUR business? Do what? Let me just be frank here I was PISSED. Like seriously pissed.
I was so disappointing in trainer J. I have no problems with being passionate about something, but talk about it before class or after but not during the time I am paying you (the gym) to take this class! Even if I wasn’t paying anything you are still interrupting MY workout. It’s just RUDE!
Maybe, I over-reacted but I am still slightly annoyed even today….
THEN what really annoys the shit of me is this chick along with some dude who they didn’t introduce are taking pics of us and videos of us while we are working out. Now, I am sure there is something in some clause I have signed saying they could do this but in that moment I was not a happy camper.
It’s one thing when I give you permission (or at least I don’t think I have) to tape me or take photos but its another when you didn’t even ask. I don’t even know you!!!! It made me uncomfortable the whole time I was working out. It completely turned into a HUGE distraction for me. I did NOT like it.
Am I wrong here? Would this annoy you too? I mean I feel like we are solicited everywhere we go heck, even my own blog/facebook page gets it from time to time. But I just don’t expect to ever be solicited during my workout time…
On the positive side I still did manage to get a pretty good work out in! I am sore today so I totally did something. AND they laid off the lunges this time so my knee’s were very thankful. I did talk to trainer M about the lunges and about us having more exercises that work those muscles that don’t compromise our knee’s because I have heard several are having issues with them. I would so take squats over them anyday. At my size it’s probably best that I do lol.
Anyways, so on the topic of an annoyance in the gym what is something that has annoyed you during a workout?