Body Shaming

I wasn’t sure at first what to name this post because when I write I just write on the top of my head.  So my title tends to be first and I write from there.  At first I thought i would write about fat shaming but that didn’t really fit because I wanted to really address skinny shaming too.  However, that name didn’t work either because the post wasn’t really going to be about skinny shaming fully either!

So then I realized what do these two have in common?  They are both a form of body shaming!  Perfect!  So, check on title…. Now to write all my thoughts, which mind you, probably will be all over the place because I feel my writing always is.

So let’s talk about it.  Let’s talk about body shaming.

I have been reading a lot of articles lately about skinning shaming.  I will be the first to admit that I too had my own thoughts of “skinny girls”.  Now, I put that in quotes because the thing is, what is skinny to me may not be to you and vice versa.  For me, like most people, I have an idea of what lets say the “perfect” body is.

Ya know, that body type where you know that person has it made?  And ya know what?  They just might.  While, (as I read in a previous article) they may never face any of the struggles that I have ever faced and they have more privileges than I do, I am not winning any battles by shaming them either for something that well, they were born with OR something they fought to have!

I have been currently obsessed with the song All about the bass…. Like seriously, this song plays in my head over and over all day long.  I have a small obsession for it.  But at first, I wasn’t sure about it because I feared my new favorite song may offend my skinny or no “bass” friends.

Am I telling them that their men won’t love them as much if they don’t have much booty to rub at night?  Or will they be upset because I called them a skinny bitch that “I know you think you’re fat but I am here to tell you every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”?  I mean the last phrase was positive right?

I am constantly trying to be that person that is aware of others and their feelings.  I just don’t want to hurt others.  I have had too many people in my life hurt mine and I just don’t want to continue that trend!

So I have learned to be more aware.  But here is the thing if you want me to be completely and perfectly honest yes, I do feel like this world is more difficult being fat.  And yes, I have had my fair share of hating on skinny girls.

I forever will want to slap my old skinny self for ever calling myself fat when I damn sure was NOT!  I think it’s almost an insult to fat people.  Because to a fat person it’s you saying, oh, tell me how non fat I am.  But with that said what I failed to see just as I did, that bad body image is not size prejudiced.  Any person of any size can be a victim.

But yes, sometimes I feel that skinnier people face less crap than fat people!

Phew, there, I said it!

Does that mean I don’t think people of other shapes and sizes don’t have it hard?  No, not at all actually.  Just I have been on both sides, I have been smaller (but not what I consider skinny but not fat either) and I am much larger.

I got to see a little bit of what both worlds are like.  While, I can’t contest to those who are the smaller scale (lets say below the “average”) I hate saying words like “super skinny” but I am sure you get my drift, I do also think their fight must be much like mine.

Both of us have problems finding clothes in our size, clothes that fit right with out a need of alteration, both have people who say rude things, both can have the opposite sex turn away from us, both feel like they should be mindful of what they eat in front of people, and both can feel like an outcast.  Not “normal”.

While, yes, models can get by being a 100lbs and 5’9 an average woman who are that small would get ridiculed her whole life with very inappropriate comments.   I never really understood this world until I had friends who were much smaller than I was.  I envied them for so long but as I get older I am seeing this shift.

This shift that they are not pretty, they are too small, need meat on their bones, and all these comments I think to myself;  it’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.  It seems unless you have that in between body you are just not good enough.

We are both being body shamed!

If you were to ask me what I felt were my limitations vs a skinny person.  How I felt almost disabled to the world as a larger woman I would say that:

  • Jobs seem harder to get
  • People try not to look at you and when they do it’s almost as if they are disgusted by you
  • Amusement parks are terrifying because you fear you won’t be able to ride the rides because you can’t fit or meet weight limits.  In fact anything with a weight limit is scary
  • You calculate your weight and the type of chairs you sit in.  And fear them because if one breaks as a skinny person it’s funny because the chair broke if you break a chair as a fat person is “obvious” your fat ass broke it and now your weight is a joke even if that’s not exactly why the chair broke!
  • Exercise is embarrassing for many reasons one being fat likes to bounce EVERYWHERE!
  • When you do exercise and you are slow you are now considered “weak” and “too fat” when in reality I am strong because it’s hard to move 300lbs you asshole!
  • I am embarrassed for my children, I fear their friends will make fun of me around them and how that will effect them.
  • I fear my body will cause my daughters to worry about their weight, suffer eating disorders or fear to be like me.
  • Clothes are SO hard to buy, expensive and tend to look like something you would wear to bed.  I don’t get all these sheer fabrics (seriously this does nothing for my figure) or clothing that sticks to you.  I swear fat people don’t make these clothing lines it’s obvious!
  • Wearing a bathing suit is like putting a big sign on yourself saying hey, look at this fat person in a suit and don’t you dare wear anything that shows skin or that’s just asking for people to make sure they know just how disgusted they are by you.
  • And omg wedding dress shopping out side of say a Davids Bridal seems like a nightmare! While yes, skinny girls don’t always fit and have to pin the dress to the back I went to stores that didn’t even have dresses I could try on at all.  At least the latter could get an idea I had to guess!

I seriously could go on and on but the thing is I learned this past week actually, was that some of those things I caused MYSELF.

What I didn’t know was that sometimes taking charge and being confident gives you a shield.  A body shaming shield.  It’s amazing.  When people see you feeling pretty, you wear clothing that makes you feel good, and you present yourself in a confident manner people welcome you.

I learned that being fat didn’t mean I couldn’t be attractive or that people couldn’t see past it.  While, I still have limitations I control much of what people think of me still in many ways.  Confidence no matter you size is attractive to people.

But here is the thing, we are never going to move forward as people (woman AND men) if we don’t stop shaming bodies.  Big OR small!  Yes, health is always a factor.  But who are you or any one else to tell me what is beautiful and that I’m not?  Who is anyone to tell me I can only be beautiful if I look like “insert size here”?  Who is anyone to tell me what my body should really look like?

We have become so obsessed with looks that sometimes I feel it’s all we care about.  Yes, looks play a role!  I know this will probably always be.  Yes, when I put on make up and dress nice I get better responses than when I wear sweats.  No doubt, that’s true.  But I think sometimes it’s not just because I have make up on or a dress but more so because I look like I am happier too.

I think how you feel radiates off of you.  I have seen plenty big woman who I have envied were wearing nice clothing, had nice make up, pretty hair and were flat-out beautiful, smart, fun woman.  And I thought, why can’t I be like that.  Confident in my own skin and that’s what hit me.  

No matter your size we HAVE to be comfortable in our skin.  This is a challenge for those who have been body shamed.  How do I change all those bad thoughts other people have put into my head?  Society tells me that my weight is unhealthy, that I am a risk, that I am not beautiful at this size.  How can one then turn around and say yeah, well I am beautiful so what of it?

Where is the line?  Why can’t I love myself big?  Why can’t it be maybe I am trying to lose weight because I want to live longer? Because I know the weight is bad for my body BUT that weight doesn’t make me a bad person.  Doesn’t mean I am not beautiful and what my body does is not beautiful.  Why does being big have to mean that I too must be ugly, lazy and shameful?

Because the fact is if someone shamed you all the time you wouldn’t find you very beautiful either.  In fact you would do one of two things, 1. wallow in pity and continue what you are doing and feel bad about yourself and feel helpless or 2. you will do what ever possible to be accepted even if it’s not healthy.  Because that’s what it all comes down to is acceptance!

We all want to be accepted!  So why not?

Today I want you to challenge yourself and try to see people for just who they are not just the outside.  Look at them and find something positive about them and then tell them.  Don’t be so quick to judge, we don’t know each person story and struggles.  Don’t assume you know either.  Just ask yourself with your thoughts, “how would I feel if someone said or thought this of me”? Try to put yourself in their shoes.  Take some time to talk to people of all walks of life.  There is so much more to people than the shell of body you see!

I challenge you to see past someone’s body and get to know the person inside!  Let’s stop the body shamming of any size!

What a week!

So this week I started my new job (hence my silence).  It’s been a pretty long week for me.  Adjusting to getting up early and working 8 plus hour shifts away from home has been interesting.

For the past four years I have been home and two of those years working from home.  But I will say that I really like my new job.  It’s strange because it’s the first job that I have ever liked from like day one!

Even the job I previously had the day I walked in there I was ready to walk right back out.  I think for the most part I was allured by their money giving vs the actual job.  But this place I really seem to like it.

It’s nothing fancy or anything.  The company needed a billing department so they hired me and another girl to create one.  So it’s neat because we are not replacing people so the only place now to go is the top lol.  So yeah that’s been exciting.

Sadly, with the new job, hours, traffic and tons of excuses I could give you that I know you could tell me is just excuses everything concerning weight loss hasn’t been as much on my for thoughts.

It’s still there though.  My hours were kind of all over this week for training but next week I am supposed to get on a set schedule and hopefully, I can restart my couch to 5 K which since I only did 2 days of week one so far makes sense.

I also need to get my eating in check.  For some reason when working eating food I bring is a hard thing for me to do.  But luckily for me the girl I work with likes to bring hers too so, we just sit, eat and chat.  Which is nice!

It’s all process and I think that’s what I will call this year a PROCESS!

Hopefully, we will get in a good routine and I get a nice order with things and get a 100% back on track!  Anyways, it’s Friday so I hope you enjoy your week and I… Well, I plan to catch up on some much-needed sleep!

Goals the process

victoryI believe to be successful in life you MUST have goals.  Short term, mid-term and long-term goals.  I have lots of goals, from my family life, marriage life (which I have started a new blog about), to yes, of course my weight loss.  I even set work goals.  I am one of those “goal oriented” people.  The problem with them is really the follow through.  I think this is partly because I set such big goals.

Big goals are good.  I think it means you don’t dream small!  And believe me, I don’t dream small!  But, the problem is anything big takes a bunch of small steps in between.  This has been a process I have been slowly learning.  I think this is where the whole patience is virtue thing comes into play?  Patience is NOT one of my stronger points…  As I get older I find I get more and more of it but like everything “it’s all a process”….

This year think I was a little hopeful and then it went to discouraged and then from there to feeling completely defeated.  I won’t lie.  A part of me felt that I was done with this journey.  I really felt like I need to accept this is my “new” body.  That doctors will not be able to help and if they couldn’t find out what was wrong, maybe it was me.  Because, I couldn’t figure out the solution on my own and I was ready to just give up.  Not because I didn’t want to lose weight or to be healthier.  But because it was tearing me apart.  This journey was causing me so much pain inside.  I felt like it wasn’t healthy.

So I stopped…

caution

I stopped going to the gym, I stopped watching everything I ate.  And yes, I gained (not much honestly), but, I still wasn’t happy.  I know losing weight will not cure everything.  Truthfully, I don’t expect it to.  I just want to feel like “me”.  Which I personally don’t.  I see my face and that’s me but my body still feels very foreign to me.

I needed a change.

I wasn’t sure at first what to do?  Do I do the elimination thing again?  I mean, that did help but I won’t lie it’s hard to do long-term.  I know the saying anything worth while isn’t easy.  But, I live in the real world and here in my world I don’t expect everything to always be easy but I know me…. And the me I know needs to have some easy once in a while.  That life style just wasn’t getting any easier lol.  I bow to those who can do it….

So I knew I had to do something different.  I knew all the things I have tried that have failed.  But I kept looking at old photo’s and then the photo’s I have been slowly getting of the wedding and one thing rang true that even though I don’t weigh much different from I did months to years ago I looked healthier, happier, and oddly enough thinner when I was working out.  I can actually tell by photos when I was working out vs when I was not.

It’s amazing really.  I doubt others can see it, but I sure could!  So, I thought to myself. “Self, why are you being so stubborn”? The answer was, I was just mad.  I was mad at the process.  I felt like why should I work out if I wasn’t getting results.  But that’s where I was wrong!  I was getting results.  It just wasn’t exactly the results I wanted at the time.  So then I thought, well, what can I do to be happy.  I knew that working out tend to make me feel really good about myself.  I felt stronger.

For months I had fallen victim of wasting my money on a monthly gym membership I wasn’t using.  In reality it wasn’t that I didn’t want to go.  Many times I did.  I just knew a few things:

1.   After doing boot camp and loving it so much the thought of working out on a treadmill again made me feel like a hamster in a caged wheel!

2.  I didn’t trust myself to do weights properly on my own and while D offered to help I could see he wasn’t getting the results he too wanted and thought well if he isn’t getting results then how can he give me results.

3.  I just didn’t know what I wanted to do at the gym.

4.  I was embarrassed for giving up

I know it may sound silly or even like excuses.  But the thing is I am a planner.  I like to know what I am doing, how to do it, and all the lovely details.  But if you just throw me at the gym with no guidance I feel like a lost puppy.  Not to mention lately D has been working out for like 2 hours at a time when he goes and well, I really don’t want to be in the gym that long!  So I had to figure something out for myself.

I knew that running is something I shouldn’t do much of.  However, I thought to myself doctors have sucked at telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.  I have this burn to run, even though I hate running and I didn’t know why other than I should be running.  I also knew how miserable I was during my first 5K.  I seriously couldn’t understand WHY people do these races while I was running the race.  I also didn’t understand how I could walk 4 plus miles a day for quite some time and yet during the 5K I felt like I was hit by a truck!

What I failed to do which is what ever runner told me to do and I thought in my know it all self mind that, I could do this without training!  Boy was I dumb.  So yes, folks those of you who told me to train and I fought you, I am telling you right now, YOU WERE RIGHT!  I hate admitting when I am wrong, but I will and so there… lol.  But you were.  I knew after my first 5k that there is a huge difference in walking 4 plus miles and trying to actually run a 5K.

This is for many reasons:

1.  You get competitive and you try to “over do it”

2.  You don’t want to be the last person

3.  You are so pumped at the time being around so many people and the atmosphere you feel like you could run a 10k or heck a half marathon until you get to like your first .6 mile and you are like wtf was I thinking??? Can someone give me a wheel chair and push me the rest of the way?  Sigh, lesson learned.

running

So being the planner that I am I needed a plan!  I had been following my photographer friend Stefani who has been posting her fan page about her progress.  for a while and she was doing the C25K.  Each photo I felt more and more inspired.  I have many running friends.  For some reason it was her that inspired me.  I liked the app she was using, so I looked it up and thought about trying it out myself.  As I mentioned in my post here the process.  I finally took the plunge and started!

I knew with the running program I would be running just 3 days a week, I still had other days to fill with some kind of activity.  With my thyroid it’s important that I actually do some time of work out daily.  Typically, this also means I have to do more than what the average person has to do as well.  But remember, this is a process and in this process I have to stop comparing.  So, my journey will be harder, so what? I will survive it!  So I knew I had to come up with the rest.

Week one is easy focus JUST on the running.  I don’t want to over load myself and get too excited.  So my goal for week two (which is this week)…. Is to venture back into the gym.  I haven’t decided yet what I want to do just yet.  I have thought about going back to boot camp but doing it only twice a week or so.  But I am not sure yet at this point.  I won’t lie, apart of me is embarrassed.  Having to come back, look the same, been gone for months.  I just expected more of myself and I let me down and I guess I feel like I let my little gym rats down too :(.

Logically, I know they are just happy I would be back.  It’s my own demons I am really fighting and my own insecurities! Don’t let YOU beat you down! Which is what I was doing.  My other goal this week is eating.  It’s a simple go.  Make smarter choices and consciously pay attention to what I put in my mouth.  I am not going to count a darn thing right now and won’t say I won’t in the future, just like I won’t say I won’t weigh in ever.  But right now this week…. My goal is just simple.  Run, workout and think about what I eat before I eat it… Simple, easy, goals!

So what’s your goals this week?  

Why looks can be deceiving

UntitledI don’t care who you are, how big or small you are, we all have seen shocking before and after photos.  Many of use these photo’s as inspiration to help motivate us to lose weight.  I know I have!

I don’t think these are horrible images to look at and even I have been inspired at times.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I held my pants next to me that it dawned on me just how miss leading some pictures really can be.  I noticed how easily a picture can make it appear as if you have lost weight even though you may have not lost a single pound.

Now, I am not talking about just sucking in, wearing different colored clothing, different angles, photo-shop, etc.  No, actually, this is MUCH more simple than that!  One of the biggest factors for me gaining weight so quickly was looking at clothing and thinking surely I can fit into that.  “It’s huge!” I would think to myself.  Surely, I am smaller than that!  To then my disappointment when I try on the said article of clothing and it’s too small!  I thought in my mind “how can this be”? I mean, I don’t look that big do I?

For the longest I thought this was just an image issue.  I saw myself smaller than I was.  While, I was correct that I did view myself smaller than I was that wasn’t entirely the issue.  I picked up a pair of pants and put it next to me and saw myself in the mirror.  Right then I saw an ad.

Looking in the mirror it looks like these pants are MUCH too big for me.  But in reality they fit me actually pretty well.  So I wanted to show you this.  Not to say all before and after photo’s are wrong or liars.  Because, I would like to believe that most are not.  But to really show how some can really be misleading.  To show maybe we should focus more on ourselves and our own journey instead of seeking validation from someone else?

So in the photo below you will see a picture of myself that I had my daughter take of me (discard the crap of stuff my kids left in the corner that I just noticed).  I am holding up a pair of jeans that I own.  Now when you look at this photo.  It appears (at least to me, you be the judge) that these pants are big correct?  They appear to be larger than myself.

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But then here is me minutes later actually wear them.  As you can see they are not huge on me.  In fact, they fit me pretty well.  Aside from being a little long and just a tiny space in the waist to spare (believe me not much) these pants fit.  Do you not agree?

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My thought process with this is, I don’t want people to look at themselves and think that these pictures they see define their journey.  Because, we don’t know anything about these types of photos.  Nor, do we really know anything about the person and their journey.  While, I think looking at before and after photo’s can be very inspiring and I encourage them. I just don’t focus entirely on them.  Because looks can be deceiving.  And well, objects maybe larger than they appear!

I looked like in the 1st photo that I have lost weight in really, I didn’t at all.  I didn’t have to get pants that were bigger than me to give this illusion.  I just had to hold them in front of me.  Although, I will admit I won’t look at pictures where people hold pants in front of themselves in before and after photo’s the same ever again lol…. I think I will stick to the ones where they are wearing the old pair of pants lol.  So that is my PSA for the day!

Changes In The Air!

IMG_20140729_191825When I first started my journey one of my first changes was fitness.  I have found when you start focusing on fitness the rest kind of goes with it.  I find when I work out I try to eat better.  I know many who work out to eat junk, but for me it inspires me to eat better.  But it’s still a process.  The eating better doesn’t typically happen overnight.

So what are my new changes you ask?  Well, first I am not weighing myself.  This change isn’t about one single number.  I am just making better choices in my life slowly!  This can be by how I look, dress, eat, and work out!  My first step was yesterday.  Well, actually, I am incorrect!  My first step has been months in the making by wanting to try this journey again, from there I downloaded C25k on my phone, then I got headphones for my phone, and then downloaded songs I wanted to listen to….

All these things pumped me to get ready.  Because the fact is, it’s a process!  I can’t just jump into all of this!  I know that doesn’t work for me.  Finally yesterday I did day one of C25K.  All in all it wasn’t bad.  But it was only a total of 1.5 miles including warmup.  But again this isn’t about numbers

IMG_20140729_202333I am not preparing for any races (although, I did think about it) this is just purely to see what my body can really do with training.  I got frustrated a few times because I couldn’t run a full minute.  Sometimes I couldn’t run at all.  Sometimes my “brisk” walk, was a slow walk.  But like I said- it’s all a process!  The good news is today I can’t wait for tomorrow to try again!  Which I find to be progress!

Hello my friends

Long time no see these days.  I know I haven’t been here regularly as you all know!  I have been in such a pickle these days.  I lost my job right before our wedding which put us in a huge financial bind.  So the past several weeks have been filled with a bunch of stress!  However, I hoping this week everything will change.  I have went on quite a bit of interviews lately.  Yesterday I had a pleasant surprise interview.   So the plan was 3 possible interviews.  I had one actually scheduled with a temp agency, the other two were also temp places but they said to come in when available that day type deal.  I would take the testing and all that jazz (gotta love temp agencies) they both were interested in me as well.  So after temp agency number 1 which went quite well however, the position was a little farther than I would like in a direction that it is a bit out of our way.

 

So after the first interview while I was sitting in my car about to prepare to go to the next place I get a call from a job I applied for online.  Turns out they were just minutes from where I was at so I asked if I could meet with them right then and they were all for it!  So off I went.  The interview went so well I was asked if I could come back at 1 for a second interview with another guy.  So I had lunch with D and came back met with the second person who then wanted me to meet with a third person.  They sent my paper work off to get a background check done.  The last lady said she wasn’t sure where they were in the process of interviews but I should know something by Friday but to know I was the first person she has met so far so that was a good sign she said. lol.  I really do want this job!  So fingers crossed!  I really hope I didn’t spend over 3 hours at this place for nothing and blew off the other two temp agencies.  (well, I told them I couldn’t make it that day which was fine).  But still…. I told her I will be employed one way or another by Monday so it can be with them or someone else but this will happen! lol she was like wow that’s bold but I am glad you are confident that’s good!

So we shall see…. I  have a few posts up my sleeve that I am working that I will be posting soon but in the mean time I thought I would give a quick update.  I hope all is well…..

Waves Hi I’m still here

I know I haven’t been around much.  Some days I want to post and I have lots to say and other days I am like eh, what’s the point….

I’m not really depressed although I am sure it does sound like it.  I think I have just come into a crossroads with my weight.  I feel like my body is fighting against me and I am fight against it.  I feel like the only things that seem to work which are things I don’t want to do.  And well, frankly I haven’t had anything as of yet work long-term either way.  I know plenty that does work for others.  But I also know I am not like the others.

A normal person can eat less food go for a walk and lose weight.  Well, not this person.  I am by far the “normal” person.

I keep thinking back 3 years ago when I was in the hospital and they took a total of 70lbs of fluid off of me.  Now granted I had just had a baby so some of that could be baby who knows.  I was 50lbs less than I am now.  Those 50lbs came back in a few short months.  50lbs of fluid just comes right back.  I think to myself what kind of diet takes off 50lbs of fluid?  But more so there is medical documentation that this weight was taken off and now is back on and yet no one wants to acknowledge or explain these 50lbs.

I mean here is the thing we know that 50lbs was NOT fat obviously…. So that means it IS fluid.  So here is the thing how on earth do you lose fluid long-term and the biggest question why was it there in the first place?  I mean how much of me is actual fluid?  These are questions that neither I nor the medical community can answer.  And yet, all they (the medical community) focuses on is how to lose weight.  But they all treat it like I am someone who just has this mass of fat.  But, what if it’s not fat?  I mean I am sure some of it is.

My doctor whom I haven’t got to see in a while due to financial reasons even said she believes all I am doing is gaining and losing fluid and yet I feel her plan doesn’t signify that problem.  In fact as time passed I was more confused by it.  She wanted me to go lower carb but also count calories too.  Which I will admit I detest counting (or logging in myfitnesspal).  I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be impulsive behavior.  Worrying and counting every single morsel that goes into my body.  While I know many live by this I find it to be greatly draining and mind fucking to be honest.  It’s like weighing yourself daily.  And the biggest mindfuck of all is I have to depend the calories on the label are right and guess what?  What if they are not?  Because I am pretty sure they are not just estimates and then my OCD brain is like no, that doesn’t work that is not exact measurements.  It’s incorrect and I will not do incorrect.

yes, I understand this is probably messed up logic but hey it’s how my brain operates.  The thing is I really don’t think it should have to be that difficult.  I would much prefer someone just tell me WHAT to eat with limits (like for breakfast you need, 5 oz of meat, 1cup of carb, 1 cup of veggies) that kind of thing.  THAT I can do that I can follow.  That won’t make me want to pull my hair out or try to cook a meal and then turn into a mathematician on figuring portion size and serving size.  I need to the point simple with out compulsion.

I am sure this plan exists lol.  Either way in my experience no matter the plan my weight does the same thing.  Goes up and then back down and up and back down.  It’s a roller coaster.  I have gone to the point of learning to just be content.  While I picture myself smaller I think how can I move to point B when we can’t even figure out point A (why I weigh what I do).  So it’s hard to blog about it because right now I feel stuck in this journey and I really just don’t have the desire to put a 100% in it anymore like I did when I started this journey almost 3 years ago now.  It makes me sad at times because it’s like why didn’t it just work then because I was ready to kick ass???? But hey can’t dwell on the things you can’t change so.

Getting back on track

Man, let me tell you what?  It’s HARD to get back on track when you have been out of the game for several months.  Not to mention I have started a new job and well there is a lot of not so great temptation there…. Like chocolate and lots of fast food lol…. I keep telling myself, I can do this and just not eat XYZ and yet what do I do?  I eat it…. Ugh.  Slaps hand.  Shame shame Misty!  Shaking my head.  It’s such a hard process.  I am starting to figure out how I will do a work out routine here soon so that should be good.  I am hoping to start getting back in to exercising regularly and I have found usually the helps jump-start the good eating. We shall see!

The wedding is coming up and coming fast.  I won’t lie I have a had a few break downs here and there.  I totally see why people elope even though I totally did so the first go round and well, hated it.  BUT that was before I ever had to plan a wedding.  Seriously, it’s no joke.  Wedding planners are worth every penny in my book because this job sucks!  All in all I know the night will go so fast and all we will have his pictures. Seems kind of crazy to spend so much for a few hours of fun but hey you live once right?

So I started a new job a few weeks ago.  Things haven’t went exactly like planned but all in all I am hopeful this could be a good fit for our family.  It’s frustrating how hard we work to get a head and we constantly feel like we are never a head but I know that god has a plan so I keep trying to just stick with it all.  But I won’t lie it’s a bit draining.  I kind of ask myself when is it my turn?  But I can’t complain too much.  I have four healthy children.  A man I love who loves me and well, I may not be the healthiest but I’m alive!

I am hoping this year will be my year to figure this stuff out and if not well there is another whole year waiting.  I will figure something out I am sure!  Hopefully lol….. So Yeah, hopefully I will have a little more time these days to write and I think it helps with my accountability.  Maybe I need some no chocolate buddies?  Anyone willing to shout at me for eating chocolate on a daily basis? lol   Yeah? No? alright!  Well it’s late and I really must go to bed but until then I hope all you peeps out there have a great weekend! :)

Are you an optimist?

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I am very much a pessimistic type person or as I call it a “realist”, D on the other hand is the optimist.  He (like most men) have the eh, it will work out attitude.  While, deep down I am awe of this ability….  To just as the song on frozen says,  “Let it go” it’s just NOT that easy for me to do.  I have been faced with a lot in my life and yet, I know deep down it still pales in comparison to probably millions of others.  Except, even saying so it doesn’t take away any pain, stress, or fears I still may have.  Just because I know someone has it worse than me doesn’t mean that I am not still justified in my own feelings.

I have struggled a lot with my life and I think if I were to ever pin point my weight to something or someone which btw I do think is far more than just a “mental issue” I would say that it comes down to I FEAR happiness.  I try not to fear it,  I really do,  but it’s still there.  I fear it because I know something bad is literally around the corner.  It’s like I can’t escape it and I am destined to not have a longer term happiness in my life.  So I try to trick myself and think, Enjoy this happiness and the bad will come but happiness comes back.  Which, is true it does.

However, it would be nice if the happiness stuck around a little longer.  I feel like the bad sometimes outweighs the good.  Don’t get me wrong there are things in my life I am  still happy and thankful for.  Like D and the kids.  It’s just hard to not want more.  It’s hard to not be like okay, so,  I am in this place and while it’s not the worst place I have been in I would like to have more but every time I strive for more I fall. I fall and most times than not it’s not by my personal doing.  It’s just stuff that happens.  But when it does my world crashes down and I am asking god why?  What plan is this and please, for the love of god, just tell me where the heck do you want me?  Because, I am frankly confused…..

A little about me for those who don’t know, I grew up being raised by my aunt and uncle.  All my life I knew them as “mom” and “dad”.  They swore they told me about them taking custody of me from the start but I swear I had no clue until I was about 7 to 8 years old when I one day went up to my mom while she was doing dishes said “You’re not my mom are you?” I had them tell me the story (which is NOT a fairytale mind you) about how they got me over and over again.

Ironically, I was fascinated.  I think deep down because apart of me was just glad that my parents were not actually my parents.  Don’t get me wrong I loved my parents and was very much for a long time a daddy’s girl but my mother she wasn’t always very nice.  I remember growing up being hit by wooden boards, CPS involved in my life twice, mental abuse, physical abuse, I was taken advantage of by two men by the time I was 16 and one being my step dad someone who was supposed to protect me.

For years I wanted to die.  I even tried to do so when I was about 16 with my best friend at my house.  Note: taking a 100 tablets of extra strength Tylenol will do nothing but make you puke!  My mom didn’t take anything strong (thank god!).  I knew that others had it worse.  I even read a book that was a true story where a boy and his sister were severely beat, their mom would gas them with bleach and pneumonia, lock them in rooms and I would think my life wasn’t *that* bad.  But still, my life wasn’t *that* good either.

It’s hard to sometimes be allowed to feel.  I feel sometimes the world only wants you to feel good.  It’s funny because we always say misery likes company.  And my thoughts are, of course it does…. we all do…. Even happy people want to be around happy people.  It’s because we all want to feel like we are not alone in the good and the bad.  Because it makes us feel “normal”.  Even if you still don’t feel that way….

My childhood landed me in the arms of my ex husband.  That lead to more mental abuse which was slowly immersing into physical abuse.  We were both young, dumb, and both emotionally unstable people.  Just as he fought I was right there in his face willing to fight.  I didn’t always cower.  But eventually I did.  Eventually, the words got the best of me they pierced deep into my soul to the point I began to believe them.  I began to feel worthless and useless.  I began to wonder why would god put someone here to purposely suffer, why people would call me selfish for wanting to die and yet I felt they were selfish for wanting to keep me in pain and alive.

I fought for my marriage even through it all.  Even through the abuse, temporarily staying at a shelter and all the other crap I put up with.  I felt my kids deserved it.  It wasn’t until two things were thrown at my head in a two-week period when I realized I didn’t want my children to think this was okay.  I didn’t want them to think THIS is marriage.  I HAD ENOUGH!  I took what little self-worth I had (which wasn’t much) and I left.  I stupidly thought leaving my ex would solve all my problems.

But hey, I felt like I was Eeyore ya, kind of always walking around with a dark cloud.  Rain was always soon to follow.  Event after event from my car breaking down, getting my first car, losing my apartment, finding D (which was good), to us getting a great home to both us losing jobs months with in each other a week before school was to start, having my kids living with their dad,  to losing every.single. thing….. We lived in a motel for 8 months, I rode a bus for two hours there and back every day, I worked on call at night and weekends, and I loved my job!

I worked hard for what I had and Derrick worked hard too!  We bought a van, got a house and my kids came back who were temporary with their dad until I got my stuff together.  Getting divorced, I think made both of us grow up.  My ex and I get a long much better these days.  His anger isn’t nothing what it was.  Good did come.  But it felt like it wasn’t enough!  I felt like just as I would get into a place where things were good something followed!

a few months after getting our house, car and kids I was once again let go from work.  It was a HUGE shock. and we thought to ourselves how will we get through this, We found out about a clot I had and I was taking off birth control and then a few months later our daughter was conceived.  I didn’t understand.  As much as I wanted her I was so mad to be pregnant with her.  Now, I hate that, because she has been such a wonderful blessing to our lives but then I just honestly feared I couldn’t give her all that I wanted!

Then we gave birth which followed with pulmonary edema, I started to drown literally in fluid to the point my heart swelled and was going to stop working.  Ya know how they say people tend to know when they are going to die?  I felt that.  I knew I was going to die.  If it wasn’t for my c-section busting open and me being rushed to the hospital, if it wasn’t for that doctor who said “is there anything else I can help you with” going by them I would have been dead that night.  The thing is, that day before the c-section opened I told D just that, I was going to die!

6 months later I ended up with clots in my lungs, we found out I had a blood disorder and I was the heaviest I have ever been. I had no insurance and a hospital that doesn’t have the best rep on preventive care!  But still deep down a part of me tried to be optimistic.  I pushed through, I fought, I really tried to believe….. I even started planning our wedding.  D kept telling me, don’t worry it will work itself out.  And here we are three weeks from it and yet, financially, I am like how am I going to pay this last bit off that is due the day of??? My new job which I love may not pan out, D hates his job and has grown angry.

And all I want…. ALL I want is to just be HAPPY!  I think to myself is THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?  Not just happy but happy for while, a year, give me a year a year of freaking bliss and a few bumps…. That’s all I ask or well, maybe a few years.  A decade just a damn break for heaven’s sake.  Each time I grow, I do and I feel it.  And I am sure deep down somewhere that is the freaking purpose.  Why I must have to have shit thrown at me left and right and I have to fight and push through while others have what it feels like so easy is beyond me.

And again I am sure someone, somewhere out there is thinking how “easy” my life is too.  How they would trade for mine and maybe they would.  Hey, the grass is always greener on the other side right?  But shit man, something has GOT to give!  I struggle a lot.  It’s why I haven’t been here, why I haven’t been blogging.  I am dealing with so much.  Like the death of a best friend.  I had friend who I have known for YEARS. Even though we lived in other states and had only met in person once she was one of my “persons”.

I was closer to her than a lot of people in my life who was right here.  She as well as two other friends were my people!  They were all I had (well, not counting D and the kids of course!).  Then she moved close me.  I was so excited but she got sick.  Really sick, and mean.  She didn’t care anymore and honestly, I didn’t even know she was AS sick as she was.  I knew it was bad.  She was supposed to stand with me on my wedding day, the one I am having in three short weeks.  She was supposed to be there!  However, in October things were just not looking well.

I finally sent her a message on Facebook.  I know a call would have been better and I did try to call.  But she couldn’t talk on the phone most days or didn’t.  But Facebook, she was always there.  So I told her how much I loved her and how we felt it was better she came as guest.  See the thing was, I really didn’t want to be a bitch.  How do you tell your sick friend, so I know you are sick and all but about your dress…. I knew my poor friend who for months basically lived in a hospital couldn’t buy a dress or do any of the wedding activities.  Deep down I feared too this would hurt her.  To not be apart of everything.  I *thought* having her as guest would take some pressure off.  I was wrong.

She grew upset, no, she grew angry.  She got mad and refused to come to the wedding but worst of all she refused to be my friend.  I was mad, I told her how I felt, things I held inside, how she was no longer there for me, how when I was sick she wasn’t there.  How I missed my friend and I felt she failed me.  I told her how I felt.  And I lost my friend that day.  Our friendship was through.  I told her I would still invite her, and if she didn’t come that was on her.  I told her that I loved her I just wanted my friend.

I didn’t know I was going to ACTUALLY lose my friend. In March my friend died.  Seeing her in the casket was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I wrote her a letter and left it with her.  I told her everything I felt and how sorry I was, how MAD at her I was for pushing me away, ending our friendship, how I would have been there right by her side, holding her hand in her last days.  I WOULD OF BEEN THERE!  She wouldn’t let me.  She was gone and I can never talk to her again.

I think about her often.  I cried for her yesterday at lunch… I cry for her often even as I write this post.   A song will play, or something will pass that will remind me of her and my eyes will swell with tears.  She has no idea how much I really do miss her.  How I really did love her. How I knew I too failed as a friend.  It hurt.  She was one of the first people who I cared deeply about who has passed.  Her body haunts me.  I see her there in the casket and I just… I just wish I could call her, talk to her, and hear her crazy ass because omg she is crazy.  But I can’t.

It’s all SO consuming…..  Day to-day dealing with everything.  Pushing through when I am thinking damn, I would just like to hide away for a while.  Just get away from it all.  To just freaking BE!

But as always, I will pick myself up and keep going.  Slowly and surely, I will start this fight to get out of this fat suit, I will find away to be that midwife, I will find away to make my family even more stable, and do things with them.  I will find away to keep going because well, my kids depend on me to do so.  And yeah, because it could be worse.  It could always be worse.  and if anything it all just teaches ME to just be more patient.  I surely hope the whole good things come to those who wait lol….

Because, faith, I won’t lie faith is something I don’t have much of these days.  It’s hard sometimes to believe when you feel every time you feel you gave into faith, you were being optimistic that things go south fast.  I find thinking of the worst always prepared me.  It made it where if the worst thing happened I was prepared.  It wasn’t such a hard blow.  But when I blissfully thought everything was going to be great and wasn’t it felt my world just crashed down.  I don’t know how people live off of faith and survive lol.  It’s so hard for me to do.  I mean I do have faith in things, like it will some who work and it does just not typically the way I would like.

I just would like to finally be a head, not to live pretty much pay check to paycheck, to feel like we can do things with our kids, to have jobs we can at least tolerate day-to-day lol.  Just peace really… I feel this isn’t too much to ask right?  We put so much stress on ourselves that it’s hard to see the little things.  It’s hard to take a moment.  To just Be.  I am so tired.  Tired sometimes of fighting.  I just want some Easy…. Where is my easy button…. Damn you office depot or whatever place has that button every time I try to get you, you are sold OUT.  ugh, So in long words and probably more information than you cared to hear this is all why I have been in the dark.

Why I stopped writing and fighting.  I just got tired.  I wanted to just not fight for a little while.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I have started with a new doctor (actually my old one that I think is awesome) and she totally advocating for me.  We are to take the next two months and try to get somewhere and if it doesn’t work than she agreed it’s hormonal and we will try to find out what it is.  I am not sure anymore if I will ever know, I just hope to find the right formula to lose.  The right tools to be where we want to be.  And hopefully eventually some freaking peace! There has to be an answer to all this and by damned, I will find it.

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