The Facebook Purge

So earlier this month I did my semi annual FB purge.  I do this about twice a year because honestly, I really don’t like having a ton of people on my FB.  Especially, people I don’t really know.

I am one of those personal type people.  Everyone in my life is someone I have a close relationship with or they are a friend of D’s.  That’s really about it.  However, each year there are some I have kept because I didn’t want to hurt any feelings.

It’s not that I dislike these people.  Oddly enough it’s quiet the opposite.  BUT the thing is after being in a few life or death situations and re-evaluating who all is ACTUALLY IN my life, I had realized that while I like many of these people they are just people I vicariously lived through.

Sometimes, it would be I wished I could be more like them.  Others, maybe I wish we were more of friends and maybe some day we will.  But each year goes by and many of these people I haven’t seen face to face and it’s not because they live far away.

I realized that sometimes with FB I will long for things that I didn’t really long for much before.  I will start looking at myself and think I need to change things.  And for what? To be liked?  I know these people are NOT to blame by all means.  But the problem is more so WHY I had kept them.

Some, I had known for years and others I have known less.  I went through each person and thought to myself 1. Is this family 2. Do I talk to this person regularly 3. If I don’t talk to this personal regularly have I physically seen them in the past 6 months 4. If I haven’t seen them in the past 6 months do we have some kind of bond?

Each person had to have a reason, a reason of more than “I like you”.  I know to some that may sound silly.  But as my children grow into teenagers I felt it was important to really KNOW who was in my corner.  I want my family to wrapped around people who do truly care and invest in us as well we invest in them.

A true mutual relationship.  Many of my FB relationships were very much one-sided.  A bunch of “we should get together some time” but those sometimes never happen.  Or some were people who did do something nice but at the end of the day that person and myself, we never talk.

I needed more than to be a stalker and watch you.  I wanted actual PHYSICAL relationships with the exception of the few that I can’t have one with and well family.  Like you or not I won’t delete family without darn good reason to do so.

So I posted a bit of an explanation and hoped for the best.  I told people who I wanted close relationships in my life.  It was more than that but I am sure you get the drift.  Luckily, I have had only one person cause a little bit of a ruckus who also justified why I did what I did…. I mean, if you were truly a friend or someone who did in fact want to be in our lives then why not just talk to me and say so vs writing things on other social media about how I had no reason.

I did agree or not.  But, hey at the end of the day I want at my funeral people who loved and knew me! Not a bunch of oh, I use to see her posts on Facebook….

Just one of those days….

It’s just one of those mornings… One of those days where you know it’s probably not going to get better from here and yet at the same time it’s still not the worse day ever! Yet….

So this morning was going fine.  My normal wake up, convince myself to call into work.  Then convince myself to go to work.  Finally, get up, got potty, get dressed and head out for the day.

Usually this then means holding on for dear life in the car as D zips in and out of traffic, getting increasingly angry as we approach each slow car, each car that can’t stay in their lane OR the continuous breaker who lives on their brakes.

Then argue about how I fear for my life all well knowing I will not drive in this because well, look at him doing it and while I may or may think I might die we never do.  I on the other hand get severe anxiety driving down town. So I guess I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety beats the feeling of death when D drives us to work.

Then I get to work.  I use to be the first one here, but they hired a new girl so now I am the second, now sometimes third person here.  (I miss my mornings alone).  Get to work, sit down, think of all the things I need to do for the day, grab my phone…..

Wait! My phone! Shit! I forgot my phone in the van.  Of course we are now in a day and age where we no longer remember numbers (except for I still remember my parents) 903-447 well you get the point.  Crap, okay how to quickly contact D?

So I go to get online, and Crap! I my computer was shut down.  So I wait like the whole minute it takes to load which feels like an eternity.  Click on the chrome link.  Wait another eternity of like 2 freakin minutes… All I can think of is shit, no music today….

My first thought was to find his resume in my email quickly (thank you gmail search!).  Surely that would have his number on it right?  Nope, some how it has MY number…. ALL of them! ugh, really? Seriously? I don’t even know how this is possible because I SWEAR they didn’t before!

Fine, what’s next.  Ah, yeah that’s right FB messager!  The messages go straight to his phone and he is streaming music in the van so he will see it.  Okay, I will do that.  So, I message him…. “I left my phone in the van”…. I get a reply of how he can’t turn around now… Look at the time and some how 10 freakin minutes had already passed and he is right even if he could turn around time wise he couldn’t without risking being late.

Have a tiny moment on why his resume has MY number and how he thought I should fix it… To my reply of frown face, it’s no not my resume.  To a whatever… Whatever?! Excuse me, uh…. Okay, fine, exit that window because I love my husband and don’t want to murder him today over a number.

So today will be the day that everyone will decide to call me I am sure….. sigh….

Of course you do not dare ask “could this day get worse” because it could… I mean total first world problems here, I forget my phone and it’s the end of the world as we know it!  But seriously though, no music.  oh well…. At least I have my work buddy to get me through.  Thank god for those! and a bunch of these …… to put into my posts (don’t ya just love them?)….. lol

So how’s your morning going?

Some changes

So with a lot of thought, I have decided to change what the use of this blog will be.  One of the perfect things about the name of my blog is I feel it’s a bit universal.  Meaning it doesn’t scream it’s JUST about weight loss.  While, yes I think it does probably tell you that’s what this blog could be about I think it also screams of me telling more about myself than JUST my weight.  So I have ditched my other blogs and I am going to make this blog about me.  Not just my weight loss journey (or lack of) but more so about who I am and my daily life in addition to my weight loss journey.  So, I hope you enjoy and still stick around even for the non weight posts :) Thanks for sticking around this long so far! :)

Hello Doc

So on Friday I have a doctor’s appointment.  As many of you knew I had lost my job right before our wedding.  Let me tell you that SUCKED.  It really did put us under.  One of the things I had no choice but to slack on was paying for my health insurance.

I was under the impression as long as I made a payment within 90 days I would be fine.  What I didn’t know was that while the policy wouldn’t be closed by making a payment within 90 days I still couldn’t use the insurance until the premium was paid up.

I felt that kind of defeated the purpose.  sigh… So I haven’t been to the doctor lately.  This is actually bad because I am on Warfrin and this does need to be checked often.  However, the good news is that I have been on this for a couple of years now and know all the lovely signs and warnings of a low INR.  And believe me after a while you get a sense when it’s off (low or high).

That still is no good excuse other than I just wanted no more additional debt.  So a week ago I sucked it up since starting my new job (which I have been with almost 3 months now) I paid up my premium (that was a pretty penny) paid off the small loan we took out to float along and finally made my appointment with my doctor again.

I won’t lie, I am dreading this appointment because I haven’t been on my meds, my weight is creeping back up.  Of course she will probably think this is also no eating on plan which I would say I wasn’t for about a year prior to seeing her and stayed in the same range but doctors don’t really care to hear those types of things.

Either way she wanted me last time to aim for 2K in calories and like 50 grams of carbs.  Every being in me wants to fight this because I seriously do suck at calorie counting.  I have been trying to get back into the swing of it and by dinner it’s blown.  Once I start cooking it’s like crap now I have to put in all the ingredients, figure out serving sizes, and how much did I get again?

Stupid yes, but I despise it.  I am only doing it right now for the most part to just help keep me in check because it does help me be more mindful.  I would honestly much prefer carb counting which is by far easier and really doing it right at 50 grams there is no need to also count calories.   It’s not like I am eating pounds of butter too.  Which I don’t believe fat makes you fat anyways.  Sugar does.

But that’s besides the point.  I want to do what she says so she will finally just do this stupid hormone test but ugh.  I am just dreading this….. I hate being lectured (who likes that?). Then I have to get a referral to see my doc for my INR’s again.  They said since it’s been a few months I have to get one again.  Sigh…. Such is life.

I just wish she would just do the stinkin test and that be that.  Worse case it says normal and I will have to just look somewhere deep within me and figure out how on earth do I do this? Anyways, so I will update you on that! Otherwise things are going pretty okay.

It’s like love

So one of my struggles in this whole start up has been working out.  Heck, I won’t even go that far the struggle has been wanting to do any of this all over again.  It’s kind of like love.  You keep putting your heart out on the line and yet you keep getting shot down.

Usually in this case when we do this we do one of two main things.  Keep going or give up.  I am not exactly in a position to give up.  I have 5 other beings that need me here.  So, we know that keep going is the only option I have to now get myself in gear to do this.

Not being exactly motivated to do this journey does have it’s obstacles.  I am quite curious to see how far this can go on being more determined vs motivated?  My theory will be hopefully I will do better.  Again like love motivation comes and goes.  But determination, that’s something you have to seek to keep.  It’s with in you.  You do it even on the days you want to give up.

So it’s all like love.  I never realized that much before.  I didn’t really understand the full feelings for food thing.  I know that I have emotionally eaten.  While, I do love the taste of food, I don’t LOVE food.  But the journey is still much like love.  You have ups and downs, highs and lows.  You have loss and gains. You have days where you are so happy and others where you say why me.

This journey is a fight, a struggle, something you have to be determined to do or you will lose the battle.  Giving up will never make you a winner.  EVER! It’s a process.  You have to accept the process.  Like I have accept sometimes I just won’t be thinking.  You will get something and be like crap! I was eating better today.  But hey that’s okay.  It’s ONE meal.

Yesterday at work we had cake.  For hours I thought about this cake.  I thought to myself am I weak if I eat this?  Would I be going against myself?  In that moment I decided that no, I will not deprive myself.  I can have cake.  And I did.  I had a small piece and walked away.  The cake is here today too.  But today I don’t need cake.  And that’s my CHOICE.

In love I have a choice.  I have many choices.  This will have to be my new love…. I have to find a way to fall in love with this process.  I don’t know how right now.  I haven’t even got the courage to step foot back into a gym NOR figured out when I can go and how to fit that too into my life.  But like before I will find a way.

Just with exercise the same goes for diet.  Aside from those two things it’s myself.  I have to learn that I am important.  I do matter.  I have know that when I see myself looking different.  I FEEL myself looking different that it’s not an obtainable dream.  It just can’t be.  Who is really trapped in a fat suit?  I mean it feels like I am but I have to do something to break free out of it.  I refuse to accept this is my destiny.

 

Counting Calories is hard work!

Let me tell you something, if you have never counted calories you would probably think it’s pretty easy.  Logically, it totally sounds like it would be.  It requires two simple things reading and math!

However, I have found the idea of trying to do the math sometimes can be a bit… annoying.  Sometimes I think to myself I just need to eat a bunch of food with a nutritional  label but honestly that doesn’t work when you are trying to eat less processed food.

I struggle when counting the most at dinner.  At dinner time I just take this and that, throw it in a pot and cook it.  Then I put it in a bowl and eat it.  This my friend is simple science…. But when you have to figure up all the calories in that scientific meal.  Well, my friend then it just turns into a big fat drag.

I know that the core of this is planning a head and believe me I am sure I will get there.  But in the mean time I will just say I really need a better plan lol.  How do you cook for a big family and accurately count without making you special meals.  Ugh, I guess like they say anything good is something you gotta work for.  Guess tomorrow maybe I should count it all out BEFORE I consume it…. MAybe then I won’t have a myfitnesspal with just breakfast and lunch loaded each day?

This weight won’t lose it’s self

As much as I would like it to… As much as I would wish it to…. I know deep down the only person who can make this weight disappear is myself.

I don’t have any magic answers.  I don’t even know what all is causing my health issues in general.  What I do know is, that by me not trying I will NEVER reach my goals.  EVER!

Sure, it’s annoying to bust your ass and feel like you are getting no where.  I mean who really wants to bust their ass to NOT succeed?  It’s like opening a store and saying I will be fine if I fail tomorrow and close my doors!  Of course you wouldn’t be!  BUT it doesn’t mean you also just give up trying or stop before you even opened your doors!

I know many understood my feelings on wanting to give up on this journey.  I won’t even call it giving up because I never did.  I will call it a break!  Yes, a break! Not like a Ross and Rachel break.  But more like a I need to just do a reset.  Re-evaluate this and honestly, get to the point where I WANTED it again.

I know many times I come here saying this time is different and each time really does feel that way.  So yeah, this time does feel different but I don’t know for sure if it will be however, right now I don’t think that’s even important.

What is different this time is I am NOT motivated.

I know you are thinking to yourself.  What?  How do you do this with NO motivation?  Well, it’s easy hard.  It’s hard because I am not depending on this fire inside of me to push through.  Nope, not this time.  I am depending on the fact that I just don’t want to be fat anymore.

So, I am just going to make myself do this.  I am going to make myself make better choices.  I am going to make myself become active again.  I am going to make myself care.  Make myself go back to the doctors. AND make myself believe it’s possible.  Even if apart of me fears it’s not.

I mean really what do I really have to lose?  Other than a pound or two :)?

So I figured to do this, I need you!  I need to have people around me who understand this journey.  I NEED cheerleaders.  I need people to cheer in my corner so I can help hold myself accountable.  And I did my best in the past when I was actively blogging, and tracking my calories (yes, I still despise doing it but hey it is what it is).  And I am going to give this an honest go!

And that’s it :) Just like that, I’m back!

Shutting down

I am letting all of you know that I will be shutting down I am not just a fat girl.  I will be keeping this up for the rest of the week so those few I am sure that read will not wonder, “hey, what happened to that girl’s blog that I read every so often”.

There isn’t much to report just for the fact that despite my lack of time I just don’t have my heart in this journey any longer.  I wasted two years on it.  The only positive I can say that has come from it is the fact that I have met so many wonderful people.

While at times I feel like I have stuff to say by the time I finally get to the computer it almost feels like what’s the point.  And my weight, well, I won’t say it’s exactly a losing battle but one I just not going to fight in the present future.

I am not killing the site because who knows maybe one day I will have a change of heart but this year, it all changed for me.  I realized that my journey wasn’t a typical journey.  I don’t get to post about my awesome work out and being another pound down.

I am not an inspiration, and I defiantly have failed at exceeding my goals.  It’s disappointing but I know a lot of it isn’t my fault.  However, I don’t have the means available at this time to really do everything required to get to the bottom of what caused this in the first place (even if that reason is myself).

I am not saying I am giving up in general but that the purpose of the blog isn’t being served and honestly, I can’t serve it right now.  I wish you all the best!  Good luck in your journeys.  I am so proud of all of you!  Thank you for being ears when I needed people to listen!  So long for now!

Been MIA

I know that’s been the norm around here…. I don’t have the best of excuses really other than starting this new job it’s been hard to get into a good routine.  My Monday – Friday consists of:

  • Get up at 6am
  • Leave for work by 6:40
  • Get to work and start about 7:45
  • Work until 5:30 ish
  • Get home around 6:15 ish
  • Start dinner
  • Try to have dinner done and served before 8pm
  • Watch a little tv
  • By 8:00-8:30 put down the 3 yr old
  • 9pm it’s time for the big kids to go to bed
  • 9 to 10 pm it’s time for momma to go to bed.

I am sure as you can see there isn’t much time there in between.  I know many say if you want XYZ bad enough you will make it happen sometimes makes me wonder their busy schedule, body and patterns?  Because let me explain, getting up already right now at 6am is a chore for me.  I am NOT a morning person.  It’s just who I am….

D gets up at 4:40 everyday to hit the gym by 5am.  I get it, but guess what?  He lives just fine off of 4-5 hours of sleep.  I DON’T like not.at.all.  Just ask D… He will tell you….  Evil things happen when I am sleep deprived….

Then you have the getting home part, seriously during the week the ONLY time I have to do anything is that hour before bed most days.  While, I get that choice and it’s mine I like having it with my family and winding down.

Now, this isn’t a forever routine, we are hoping once I get another car I change my hours and get off an hour earlier which will make things a little better.  Given I already get up at 6am (because D and I share a car so I have to get up earlier) I have that down now having an extra hour in the afternoon would be AWESOME!

So with that said! lol I haven’t been around because think about it if I am saying I have a hard time working out then when do I have time to also blog?

But we all know that getting healthy isn’t just about working out!  I know this and you know this.  What I don’t seem to know is to be frankly honest how someone can eat under 2500 calories a day (and yes I have counted and usually it’s even under 2500) and yet still weigh at or over 300lbs?  It just boggles me! Like today at 3:30 I am at 880 calories… It’s not like I eat buckets of food here! ugh.

I guess I assume to be 300lbs I would have to eat much more than 2500 calories.  By science I know I would.  Even doing simple things like cutting carbs only works short term.  I don’t quiet understand it.  I know there HAS to be a formula (aside from just stop eating lol) that has to work for me.  Something I can fit into my daily life and is sustainable?  Right?  Sigh, who knows at this point…

Anyways, I just wanted to let you guys know I am still here :)

Body Shaming

I wasn’t sure at first what to name this post because when I write I just write on the top of my head.  So my title tends to be first and I write from there.  At first I thought i would write about fat shaming but that didn’t really fit because I wanted to really address skinny shaming too.  However, that name didn’t work either because the post wasn’t really going to be about skinny shaming fully either!

So then I realized what do these two have in common?  They are both a form of body shaming!  Perfect!  So, check on title…. Now to write all my thoughts, which mind you, probably will be all over the place because I feel my writing always is.

So let’s talk about it.  Let’s talk about body shaming.

I have been reading a lot of articles lately about skinning shaming.  I will be the first to admit that I too had my own thoughts of “skinny girls”.  Now, I put that in quotes because the thing is, what is skinny to me may not be to you and vice versa.  For me, like most people, I have an idea of what lets say the “perfect” body is.

Ya know, that body type where you know that person has it made?  And ya know what?  They just might.  While, (as I read in a previous article) they may never face any of the struggles that I have ever faced and they have more privileges than I do, I am not winning any battles by shaming them either for something that well, they were born with OR something they fought to have!

I have been currently obsessed with the song All about the bass…. Like seriously, this song plays in my head over and over all day long.  I have a small obsession for it.  But at first, I wasn’t sure about it because I feared my new favorite song may offend my skinny or no “bass” friends.

Am I telling them that their men won’t love them as much if they don’t have much booty to rub at night?  Or will they be upset because I called them a skinny bitch that “I know you think you’re fat but I am here to tell you every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”?  I mean the last phrase was positive right?

I am constantly trying to be that person that is aware of others and their feelings.  I just don’t want to hurt others.  I have had too many people in my life hurt mine and I just don’t want to continue that trend!

So I have learned to be more aware.  But here is the thing if you want me to be completely and perfectly honest yes, I do feel like this world is more difficult being fat.  And yes, I have had my fair share of hating on skinny girls.

I forever will want to slap my old skinny self for ever calling myself fat when I damn sure was NOT!  I think it’s almost an insult to fat people.  Because to a fat person it’s you saying, oh, tell me how non fat I am.  But with that said what I failed to see just as I did, that bad body image is not size prejudiced.  Any person of any size can be a victim.

But yes, sometimes I feel that skinnier people face less crap than fat people!

Phew, there, I said it!

Does that mean I don’t think people of other shapes and sizes don’t have it hard?  No, not at all actually.  Just I have been on both sides, I have been smaller (but not what I consider skinny but not fat either) and I am much larger.

I got to see a little bit of what both worlds are like.  While, I can’t contest to those who are the smaller scale (lets say below the “average”) I hate saying words like “super skinny” but I am sure you get my drift, I do also think their fight must be much like mine.

Both of us have problems finding clothes in our size, clothes that fit right with out a need of alteration, both have people who say rude things, both can have the opposite sex turn away from us, both feel like they should be mindful of what they eat in front of people, and both can feel like an outcast.  Not “normal”.

While, yes, models can get by being a 100lbs and 5’9 an average woman who are that small would get ridiculed her whole life with very inappropriate comments.   I never really understood this world until I had friends who were much smaller than I was.  I envied them for so long but as I get older I am seeing this shift.

This shift that they are not pretty, they are too small, need meat on their bones, and all these comments I think to myself;  it’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.  It seems unless you have that in between body you are just not good enough.

We are both being body shamed!

If you were to ask me what I felt were my limitations vs a skinny person.  How I felt almost disabled to the world as a larger woman I would say that:

  • Jobs seem harder to get
  • People try not to look at you and when they do it’s almost as if they are disgusted by you
  • Amusement parks are terrifying because you fear you won’t be able to ride the rides because you can’t fit or meet weight limits.  In fact anything with a weight limit is scary
  • You calculate your weight and the type of chairs you sit in.  And fear them because if one breaks as a skinny person it’s funny because the chair broke if you break a chair as a fat person is “obvious” your fat ass broke it and now your weight is a joke even if that’s not exactly why the chair broke!
  • Exercise is embarrassing for many reasons one being fat likes to bounce EVERYWHERE!
  • When you do exercise and you are slow you are now considered “weak” and “too fat” when in reality I am strong because it’s hard to move 300lbs you asshole!
  • I am embarrassed for my children, I fear their friends will make fun of me around them and how that will effect them.
  • I fear my body will cause my daughters to worry about their weight, suffer eating disorders or fear to be like me.
  • Clothes are SO hard to buy, expensive and tend to look like something you would wear to bed.  I don’t get all these sheer fabrics (seriously this does nothing for my figure) or clothing that sticks to you.  I swear fat people don’t make these clothing lines it’s obvious!
  • Wearing a bathing suit is like putting a big sign on yourself saying hey, look at this fat person in a suit and don’t you dare wear anything that shows skin or that’s just asking for people to make sure they know just how disgusted they are by you.
  • And omg wedding dress shopping out side of say a Davids Bridal seems like a nightmare! While yes, skinny girls don’t always fit and have to pin the dress to the back I went to stores that didn’t even have dresses I could try on at all.  At least the latter could get an idea I had to guess!

I seriously could go on and on but the thing is I learned this past week actually, was that some of those things I caused MYSELF.

What I didn’t know was that sometimes taking charge and being confident gives you a shield.  A body shaming shield.  It’s amazing.  When people see you feeling pretty, you wear clothing that makes you feel good, and you present yourself in a confident manner people welcome you.

I learned that being fat didn’t mean I couldn’t be attractive or that people couldn’t see past it.  While, I still have limitations I control much of what people think of me still in many ways.  Confidence no matter you size is attractive to people.

But here is the thing, we are never going to move forward as people (woman AND men) if we don’t stop shaming bodies.  Big OR small!  Yes, health is always a factor.  But who are you or any one else to tell me what is beautiful and that I’m not?  Who is anyone to tell me I can only be beautiful if I look like “insert size here”?  Who is anyone to tell me what my body should really look like?

We have become so obsessed with looks that sometimes I feel it’s all we care about.  Yes, looks play a role!  I know this will probably always be.  Yes, when I put on make up and dress nice I get better responses than when I wear sweats.  No doubt, that’s true.  But I think sometimes it’s not just because I have make up on or a dress but more so because I look like I am happier too.

I think how you feel radiates off of you.  I have seen plenty big woman who I have envied were wearing nice clothing, had nice make up, pretty hair and were flat-out beautiful, smart, fun woman.  And I thought, why can’t I be like that.  Confident in my own skin and that’s what hit me.  

No matter your size we HAVE to be comfortable in our skin.  This is a challenge for those who have been body shamed.  How do I change all those bad thoughts other people have put into my head?  Society tells me that my weight is unhealthy, that I am a risk, that I am not beautiful at this size.  How can one then turn around and say yeah, well I am beautiful so what of it?

Where is the line?  Why can’t I love myself big?  Why can’t it be maybe I am trying to lose weight because I want to live longer? Because I know the weight is bad for my body BUT that weight doesn’t make me a bad person.  Doesn’t mean I am not beautiful and what my body does is not beautiful.  Why does being big have to mean that I too must be ugly, lazy and shameful?

Because the fact is if someone shamed you all the time you wouldn’t find you very beautiful either.  In fact you would do one of two things, 1. wallow in pity and continue what you are doing and feel bad about yourself and feel helpless or 2. you will do what ever possible to be accepted even if it’s not healthy.  Because that’s what it all comes down to is acceptance!

We all want to be accepted!  So why not?

Today I want you to challenge yourself and try to see people for just who they are not just the outside.  Look at them and find something positive about them and then tell them.  Don’t be so quick to judge, we don’t know each person story and struggles.  Don’t assume you know either.  Just ask yourself with your thoughts, “how would I feel if someone said or thought this of me”? Try to put yourself in their shoes.  Take some time to talk to people of all walks of life.  There is so much more to people than the shell of body you see!

I challenge you to see past someone’s body and get to know the person inside!  Let’s stop the body shamming of any size!

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