Waves Hi I’m still here

I know I haven’t been around much.  Some days I want to post and I have lots to say and other days I am like eh, what’s the point….

I’m not really depressed although I am sure it does sound like it.  I think I have just come into a crossroads with my weight.  I feel like my body is fighting against me and I am fight against it.  I feel like the only things that seem to work which are things I don’t want to do.  And well, frankly I haven’t had anything as of yet work long-term either way.  I know plenty that does work for others.  But I also know I am not like the others.

A normal person can eat less food go for a walk and lose weight.  Well, not this person.  I am by far the “normal” person.

I keep thinking back 3 years ago when I was in the hospital and they took a total of 70lbs of fluid off of me.  Now granted I had just had a baby so some of that could be baby who knows.  I was 50lbs less than I am now.  Those 50lbs came back in a few short months.  50lbs of fluid just comes right back.  I think to myself what kind of diet takes off 50lbs of fluid?  But more so there is medical documentation that this weight was taken off and now is back on and yet no one wants to acknowledge or explain these 50lbs.

I mean here is the thing we know that 50lbs was NOT fat obviously…. So that means it IS fluid.  So here is the thing how on earth do you lose fluid long-term and the biggest question why was it there in the first place?  I mean how much of me is actual fluid?  These are questions that neither I nor the medical community can answer.  And yet, all they (the medical community) focuses on is how to lose weight.  But they all treat it like I am someone who just has this mass of fat.  But, what if it’s not fat?  I mean I am sure some of it is.

My doctor whom I haven’t got to see in a while due to financial reasons even said she believes all I am doing is gaining and losing fluid and yet I feel her plan doesn’t signify that problem.  In fact as time passed I was more confused by it.  She wanted me to go lower carb but also count calories too.  Which I will admit I detest counting (or logging in myfitnesspal).  I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be impulsive behavior.  Worrying and counting every single morsel that goes into my body.  While I know many live by this I find it to be greatly draining and mind fucking to be honest.  It’s like weighing yourself daily.  And the biggest mindfuck of all is I have to depend the calories on the label are right and guess what?  What if they are not?  Because I am pretty sure they are not just estimates and then my OCD brain is like no, that doesn’t work that is not exact measurements.  It’s incorrect and I will not do incorrect.

yes, I understand this is probably messed up logic but hey it’s how my brain operates.  The thing is I really don’t think it should have to be that difficult.  I would much prefer someone just tell me WHAT to eat with limits (like for breakfast you need, 5 oz of meat, 1cup of carb, 1 cup of veggies) that kind of thing.  THAT I can do that I can follow.  That won’t make me want to pull my hair out or try to cook a meal and then turn into a mathematician on figuring portion size and serving size.  I need to the point simple with out compulsion.

I am sure this plan exists lol.  Either way in my experience no matter the plan my weight does the same thing.  Goes up and then back down and up and back down.  It’s a roller coaster.  I have gone to the point of learning to just be content.  While I picture myself smaller I think how can I move to point B when we can’t even figure out point A (why I weigh what I do).  So it’s hard to blog about it because right now I feel stuck in this journey and I really just don’t have the desire to put a 100% in it anymore like I did when I started this journey almost 3 years ago now.  It makes me sad at times because it’s like why didn’t it just work then because I was ready to kick ass???? But hey can’t dwell on the things you can’t change so.

Getting back on track

Man, let me tell you what?  It’s HARD to get back on track when you have been out of the game for several months.  Not to mention I have started a new job and well there is a lot of not so great temptation there…. Like chocolate and lots of fast food lol…. I keep telling myself, I can do this and just not eat XYZ and yet what do I do?  I eat it…. Ugh.  Slaps hand.  Shame shame Misty!  Shaking my head.  It’s such a hard process.  I am starting to figure out how I will do a work out routine here soon so that should be good.  I am hoping to start getting back in to exercising regularly and I have found usually the helps jump-start the good eating. We shall see!

The wedding is coming up and coming fast.  I won’t lie I have a had a few break downs here and there.  I totally see why people elope even though I totally did so the first go round and well, hated it.  BUT that was before I ever had to plan a wedding.  Seriously, it’s no joke.  Wedding planners are worth every penny in my book because this job sucks!  All in all I know the night will go so fast and all we will have his pictures. Seems kind of crazy to spend so much for a few hours of fun but hey you live once right?

So I started a new job a few weeks ago.  Things haven’t went exactly like planned but all in all I am hopeful this could be a good fit for our family.  It’s frustrating how hard we work to get a head and we constantly feel like we are never a head but I know that god has a plan so I keep trying to just stick with it all.  But I won’t lie it’s a bit draining.  I kind of ask myself when is it my turn?  But I can’t complain too much.  I have four healthy children.  A man I love who loves me and well, I may not be the healthiest but I’m alive!

I am hoping this year will be my year to figure this stuff out and if not well there is another whole year waiting.  I will figure something out I am sure!  Hopefully lol….. So Yeah, hopefully I will have a little more time these days to write and I think it helps with my accountability.  Maybe I need some no chocolate buddies?  Anyone willing to shout at me for eating chocolate on a daily basis? lol   Yeah? No? alright!  Well it’s late and I really must go to bed but until then I hope all you peeps out there have a great weekend! :)

Are you an optimist?

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I am very much a pessimistic type person or as I call it a “realist”, D on the other hand is the optimist.  He (like most men) have the eh, it will work out attitude.  While, deep down I am awe of this ability….  To just as the song on frozen says,  “Let it go” it’s just NOT that easy for me to do.  I have been faced with a lot in my life and yet, I know deep down it still pales in comparison to probably millions of others.  Except, even saying so it doesn’t take away any pain, stress, or fears I still may have.  Just because I know someone has it worse than me doesn’t mean that I am not still justified in my own feelings.

I have struggled a lot with my life and I think if I were to ever pin point my weight to something or someone which btw I do think is far more than just a “mental issue” I would say that it comes down to I FEAR happiness.  I try not to fear it,  I really do,  but it’s still there.  I fear it because I know something bad is literally around the corner.  It’s like I can’t escape it and I am destined to not have a longer term happiness in my life.  So I try to trick myself and think, Enjoy this happiness and the bad will come but happiness comes back.  Which, is true it does.

However, it would be nice if the happiness stuck around a little longer.  I feel like the bad sometimes outweighs the good.  Don’t get me wrong there are things in my life I am  still happy and thankful for.  Like D and the kids.  It’s just hard to not want more.  It’s hard to not be like okay, so,  I am in this place and while it’s not the worst place I have been in I would like to have more but every time I strive for more I fall. I fall and most times than not it’s not by my personal doing.  It’s just stuff that happens.  But when it does my world crashes down and I am asking god why?  What plan is this and please, for the love of god, just tell me where the heck do you want me?  Because, I am frankly confused…..

A little about me for those who don’t know, I grew up being raised by my aunt and uncle.  All my life I knew them as “mom” and “dad”.  They swore they told me about them taking custody of me from the start but I swear I had no clue until I was about 7 to 8 years old when I one day went up to my mom while she was doing dishes said “You’re not my mom are you?” I had them tell me the story (which is NOT a fairytale mind you) about how they got me over and over again.

Ironically, I was fascinated.  I think deep down because apart of me was just glad that my parents were not actually my parents.  Don’t get me wrong I loved my parents and was very much for a long time a daddy’s girl but my mother she wasn’t always very nice.  I remember growing up being hit by wooden boards, CPS involved in my life twice, mental abuse, physical abuse, I was taken advantage of by two men by the time I was 16 and one being my step dad someone who was supposed to protect me.

For years I wanted to die.  I even tried to do so when I was about 16 with my best friend at my house.  Note: taking a 100 tablets of extra strength Tylenol will do nothing but make you puke!  My mom didn’t take anything strong (thank god!).  I knew that others had it worse.  I even read a book that was a true story where a boy and his sister were severely beat, their mom would gas them with bleach and pneumonia, lock them in rooms and I would think my life wasn’t *that* bad.  But still, my life wasn’t *that* good either.

It’s hard to sometimes be allowed to feel.  I feel sometimes the world only wants you to feel good.  It’s funny because we always say misery likes company.  And my thoughts are, of course it does…. we all do…. Even happy people want to be around happy people.  It’s because we all want to feel like we are not alone in the good and the bad.  Because it makes us feel “normal”.  Even if you still don’t feel that way….

My childhood landed me in the arms of my ex husband.  That lead to more mental abuse which was slowly immersing into physical abuse.  We were both young, dumb, and both emotionally unstable people.  Just as he fought I was right there in his face willing to fight.  I didn’t always cower.  But eventually I did.  Eventually, the words got the best of me they pierced deep into my soul to the point I began to believe them.  I began to feel worthless and useless.  I began to wonder why would god put someone here to purposely suffer, why people would call me selfish for wanting to die and yet I felt they were selfish for wanting to keep me in pain and alive.

I fought for my marriage even through it all.  Even through the abuse, temporarily staying at a shelter and all the other crap I put up with.  I felt my kids deserved it.  It wasn’t until two things were thrown at my head in a two-week period when I realized I didn’t want my children to think this was okay.  I didn’t want them to think THIS is marriage.  I HAD ENOUGH!  I took what little self-worth I had (which wasn’t much) and I left.  I stupidly thought leaving my ex would solve all my problems.

But hey, I felt like I was Eeyore ya, kind of always walking around with a dark cloud.  Rain was always soon to follow.  Event after event from my car breaking down, getting my first car, losing my apartment, finding D (which was good), to us getting a great home to both us losing jobs months with in each other a week before school was to start, having my kids living with their dad,  to losing every.single. thing….. We lived in a motel for 8 months, I rode a bus for two hours there and back every day, I worked on call at night and weekends, and I loved my job!

I worked hard for what I had and Derrick worked hard too!  We bought a van, got a house and my kids came back who were temporary with their dad until I got my stuff together.  Getting divorced, I think made both of us grow up.  My ex and I get a long much better these days.  His anger isn’t nothing what it was.  Good did come.  But it felt like it wasn’t enough!  I felt like just as I would get into a place where things were good something followed!

a few months after getting our house, car and kids I was once again let go from work.  It was a HUGE shock. and we thought to ourselves how will we get through this, We found out about a clot I had and I was taking off birth control and then a few months later our daughter was conceived.  I didn’t understand.  As much as I wanted her I was so mad to be pregnant with her.  Now, I hate that, because she has been such a wonderful blessing to our lives but then I just honestly feared I couldn’t give her all that I wanted!

Then we gave birth which followed with pulmonary edema, I started to drown literally in fluid to the point my heart swelled and was going to stop working.  Ya know how they say people tend to know when they are going to die?  I felt that.  I knew I was going to die.  If it wasn’t for my c-section busting open and me being rushed to the hospital, if it wasn’t for that doctor who said “is there anything else I can help you with” going by them I would have been dead that night.  The thing is, that day before the c-section opened I told D just that, I was going to die!

6 months later I ended up with clots in my lungs, we found out I had a blood disorder and I was the heaviest I have ever been. I had no insurance and a hospital that doesn’t have the best rep on preventive care!  But still deep down a part of me tried to be optimistic.  I pushed through, I fought, I really tried to believe….. I even started planning our wedding.  D kept telling me, don’t worry it will work itself out.  And here we are three weeks from it and yet, financially, I am like how am I going to pay this last bit off that is due the day of??? My new job which I love may not pan out, D hates his job and has grown angry.

And all I want…. ALL I want is to just be HAPPY!  I think to myself is THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?  Not just happy but happy for while, a year, give me a year a year of freaking bliss and a few bumps…. That’s all I ask or well, maybe a few years.  A decade just a damn break for heaven’s sake.  Each time I grow, I do and I feel it.  And I am sure deep down somewhere that is the freaking purpose.  Why I must have to have shit thrown at me left and right and I have to fight and push through while others have what it feels like so easy is beyond me.

And again I am sure someone, somewhere out there is thinking how “easy” my life is too.  How they would trade for mine and maybe they would.  Hey, the grass is always greener on the other side right?  But shit man, something has GOT to give!  I struggle a lot.  It’s why I haven’t been here, why I haven’t been blogging.  I am dealing with so much.  Like the death of a best friend.  I had friend who I have known for YEARS. Even though we lived in other states and had only met in person once she was one of my “persons”.

I was closer to her than a lot of people in my life who was right here.  She as well as two other friends were my people!  They were all I had (well, not counting D and the kids of course!).  Then she moved close me.  I was so excited but she got sick.  Really sick, and mean.  She didn’t care anymore and honestly, I didn’t even know she was AS sick as she was.  I knew it was bad.  She was supposed to stand with me on my wedding day, the one I am having in three short weeks.  She was supposed to be there!  However, in October things were just not looking well.

I finally sent her a message on Facebook.  I know a call would have been better and I did try to call.  But she couldn’t talk on the phone most days or didn’t.  But Facebook, she was always there.  So I told her how much I loved her and how we felt it was better she came as guest.  See the thing was, I really didn’t want to be a bitch.  How do you tell your sick friend, so I know you are sick and all but about your dress…. I knew my poor friend who for months basically lived in a hospital couldn’t buy a dress or do any of the wedding activities.  Deep down I feared too this would hurt her.  To not be apart of everything.  I *thought* having her as guest would take some pressure off.  I was wrong.

She grew upset, no, she grew angry.  She got mad and refused to come to the wedding but worst of all she refused to be my friend.  I was mad, I told her how I felt, things I held inside, how she was no longer there for me, how when I was sick she wasn’t there.  How I missed my friend and I felt she failed me.  I told her how I felt.  And I lost my friend that day.  Our friendship was through.  I told her I would still invite her, and if she didn’t come that was on her.  I told her that I loved her I just wanted my friend.

I didn’t know I was going to ACTUALLY lose my friend. In March my friend died.  Seeing her in the casket was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I wrote her a letter and left it with her.  I told her everything I felt and how sorry I was, how MAD at her I was for pushing me away, ending our friendship, how I would have been there right by her side, holding her hand in her last days.  I WOULD OF BEEN THERE!  She wouldn’t let me.  She was gone and I can never talk to her again.

I think about her often.  I cried for her yesterday at lunch… I cry for her often even as I write this post.   A song will play, or something will pass that will remind me of her and my eyes will swell with tears.  She has no idea how much I really do miss her.  How I really did love her. How I knew I too failed as a friend.  It hurt.  She was one of the first people who I cared deeply about who has passed.  Her body haunts me.  I see her there in the casket and I just… I just wish I could call her, talk to her, and hear her crazy ass because omg she is crazy.  But I can’t.

It’s all SO consuming…..  Day to-day dealing with everything.  Pushing through when I am thinking damn, I would just like to hide away for a while.  Just get away from it all.  To just freaking BE!

But as always, I will pick myself up and keep going.  Slowly and surely, I will start this fight to get out of this fat suit, I will find away to be that midwife, I will find away to make my family even more stable, and do things with them.  I will find away to keep going because well, my kids depend on me to do so.  And yeah, because it could be worse.  It could always be worse.  and if anything it all just teaches ME to just be more patient.  I surely hope the whole good things come to those who wait lol….

Because, faith, I won’t lie faith is something I don’t have much of these days.  It’s hard sometimes to believe when you feel every time you feel you gave into faith, you were being optimistic that things go south fast.  I find thinking of the worst always prepared me.  It made it where if the worst thing happened I was prepared.  It wasn’t such a hard blow.  But when I blissfully thought everything was going to be great and wasn’t it felt my world just crashed down.  I don’t know how people live off of faith and survive lol.  It’s so hard for me to do.  I mean I do have faith in things, like it will some who work and it does just not typically the way I would like.

I just would like to finally be a head, not to live pretty much pay check to paycheck, to feel like we can do things with our kids, to have jobs we can at least tolerate day-to-day lol.  Just peace really… I feel this isn’t too much to ask right?  We put so much stress on ourselves that it’s hard to see the little things.  It’s hard to take a moment.  To just Be.  I am so tired.  Tired sometimes of fighting.  I just want some Easy…. Where is my easy button…. Damn you office depot or whatever place has that button every time I try to get you, you are sold OUT.  ugh, So in long words and probably more information than you cared to hear this is all why I have been in the dark.

Why I stopped writing and fighting.  I just got tired.  I wanted to just not fight for a little while.  I don’t know what the future holds.  I have started with a new doctor (actually my old one that I think is awesome) and she totally advocating for me.  We are to take the next two months and try to get somewhere and if it doesn’t work than she agreed it’s hormonal and we will try to find out what it is.  I am not sure anymore if I will ever know, I just hope to find the right formula to lose.  The right tools to be where we want to be.  And hopefully eventually some freaking peace! There has to be an answer to all this and by damned, I will find it.

The Wheels in Motion

So yeah, I haven’t been around here much lately.  I have started working a second job which takes up majority of my free time.  I haven’t blogged much at all lately, mostly because I haven’t been very inspired to do so. However, I feel an update was necessary.  Ironically, not much going on here (as to why I feel I should update)… My eating has been kind of whatever and my weight has maintained it seems.  Makes no sense to me but whatever.  I have a doctors appointment in like two weeks to start going over all my issues.  I can’t say at this point I am very hopeful but I figured I would entertain it.  Besides I need a new doctor since I have insurance now.

Other than that there is a whole lot to report.  The wedding planning is moving along.  I finally finished our wedding website http://www.weddingwire.com/mistynderrick.  We still have to pick out who our caterer is going to be.  We thought we knew and then I kind of changed my mind so we have been going on a bunch of taste testings.  Sounds like fun right?  Kinda, except for now I am more confused and probably more bloated lol.  But hey it is what it is.  I have a month until alterations for my dress and I fear that I am not going to fit into my dress!  Ugh, why can’t these be things that you get like the weekend before.  Then there is no stress right?  I think so at least.

Second job is moving along okay.  Boss lady is an interesting one but all in all I really like the job.  I think it has a lot of potential. So that’s really it.  Not a whole lot going on here.  I know for sure I will update about my appointment.  Who knows maybe it will be a good thing? Only time will tell….

It’s just amazing

So what a week or so ago maybe longer, I don’t care to check right now I told you guys that I was done.  What’s so amazing me right now is my complete loss of a fight.  I seriously feel totally tapped out. I have zero desire to do this journey.  I hate to say I don’t care but I do care.  I also hate when people say then you must not want it enough.  (not to my face but when people quit) but the fact is it’s not that I don’t want it but more so that I am tired.

Yes, there are people who apparently can fight and do things and they are these wonderful machines.  I am not.  I am this flawed human who right now says right now I just don’t have it in me.  I just don’t.  At this point I am like that toddler lol in the corner saying nope, not gonna do it.  Stupid I know… But I have done this journey for 2 years.  Of course my weight loss woes were much longer than 2 years.  But for 2 years I really had all this fight that I AM going to do this.

The fact is, I had that fight because I believed I would.  I believed that someone would give me an answer.  I believed that maybe I was wrong and if I did these things everyone told me to do a miracle would happen.  I thought if I busted my ass, exercised, ate good that I would infact lose weight.  When that didn’t happen I got mad.  Furious!  Angry.  annoyed. and then just sad…. I was wrong…..

So why now is there no fight?  Because I honestly have lost faith.  I am so annoyed that I can weigh in the SAME exactly weight range eating normally and NOT working out as I do eating awesome and working out constantly.  To me that makes zero sense by everything I have been taught.  But what can I do?  I mean sure of course one should just do those things because it feels good right?

Well, honestly, it didn’t really to me.  Working out was painful.  While I did enjoy my class I didn’t enjoy the pain.  The thought of being treadmills, running or anything of those things make me want to hide lol.  I just don’t want to do them anymore.  It’s like no it’s SO freaking boring now.  It’s old, btdt and wrote the story.  I just am NOT interested.  I am sick of cooking.  Like really sick of cooking.  I have not turned like some new leaf.  I did not turn into one of those who I hated it and now I love it.  Nope, still hate it with a passion actually.  It’s seriously almost like torture for me.  I would rank cooking with washing dishes or putting up clothes I just washed.  You only do these things because you know you need too but you totally stall each time you have to do it.

I just don’t have a desire.

I have this teeny tiny piece of hope that some day I will figure this out.  It’s why I am still working toward seeing my old doctor (which financially I had to hold off on only because I know she will test everything under the sun).  but I also know in the end that this may not happen for me.  I wonder if everyone is supposed to be a success story?

What’s more confusing is I don’t feel like ME.  Like in my body right now I feel “thin” but I am not. I do not look thin.  But I don’t “feel” fat.  Unless of course I look into a mirror or try on clothes or god forbid sit in a small chair lol.  But all in all my mind seems to think I am thinner.  I honestly don’t FEEL heavy.  I mean my weight holds me back from things no doubt.  But I don’t feel like what I weigh.  maybe I thought at this weight I would feel heavy?  I don’t know.

Anyways, I just wanted you guys to know that I am still here and alive.  I am sorry I don’t blog much these days.  It’s just I don’t know what to say anymore :(

The fight has been lost

I don’t know a better way to say this but to simply say it.  I don’t have the fight in me anymore.  It’s just gone.  For two years I did so many things that were told for me to try and somethings sorta helped and others didn’t help as much.  But nothing was something that really not only seemed like a long term fit or something that really was working for me in the long term.

I find that eating good or eating bad I stay in the same EXACT weight range (which I find quiet odd).  I see people all around me eating right and exercising and losing weight, or lifting and losing weight… basically I see people doing the things I tried and succeed and here I am still the same as I was two years ago.  The fight is just no longer in me.  It really isn’t…

I have found I don’t like going to the gym anymore and don’t.  I eat still pretty decent I would say that 90% of the time my foods still are non processed foods.  I still care about my health don’t get me wrong.  But I am sick of this process…. I don’t even have anything to write about anymore because I have written it all.  I am not full of the believe in yourself you can do it BS all those who are losing give you.  Step in my body for a month and then tell me all the BS you are shelling out.  It’s not helping me that’s for sure.

I swear I don’t think I can tolerate another photo of someone else’s weight loss story.  I am seriously just done…. I’m not going to shoot rainbows up your butt and tell you it will be okay because lets face it for some of us it just isn’t.  Even if we really do want it…

The Weight Total for the Month is….

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IMG_8359So this morning I weighed in.  I know Monday has been my weigh in day.  But I thought to put things into perspective that I would see how I did for a whole months time.

I had started the elimination diet on the 27th of last month.  Since I have had some foods.  The diet was more so in support of family which some foods we have found to be issues and others were not.  So it’s been interesting.

I stared the month off at 303.4 and I ended the month with 297.0 which puts me at a total loss for the month at 6.4lbs.  Honestly, this is STILL good.  So, yeah, earlier this month I was 294 but I can’t focus on that at all.

It’s the over all picture!

AF is due tomorrow so we shall see what the numbers do.  But for now I am okay with 6.4lbs lost.  I am really considering weighing once a month.  I figure if I need to make sure I am on track I can weigh but I don’t want to focus too much about numbers.

So there ya have it folks.   Let’s see what next month brings.

Temptation

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Man, it’s hard not to give into temptation!  For me that is typically eating out.  If I know I have the money in my pocket I am ready and willing!  However, afterwards I am annoyed 1. because I ate crap and 2. because I really hate wasting money on food when I have food at home!

That doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s not okay to go out once in while.  In fact I don’t see anything wrong with it at all.  BUT for me, 1 day turns into like 3.  Like for instance this weekend I had to pick up my van so D and I ate out, then I had to meet up with my friends to look at dress so we ate out and by Sunday I was craving me some Mexican food so you guessed it! I ate out.

All this morning I had to tell my brain NO! you are not eating out!  I had enough.  Not to mention this Saturday I have to do a food tasting (such the wedding planning life) so I already know I will be eating out again.  AND it’s a date night so yeah!  Which also means I have to keep myself in check.

If I want this weight to come off I can’t slip into those old habits.  I also noticed that I did much better with the more strict elimination diet.  I have started to see what works and what doesn’t.  Like rice and quinoa had no effect on my weight.  even white rice to boot.  This also included potatoes.  Yep, I had WHITE potatoes.  Not that I don’t love sweet ones don’t get me wrong!

But things like almond milk, too much granola, rice pasta the weight slowed even eating with in calorie range.  This does tell me that obviously our bodies totally respond to different types of foods.  So I will say that it is much more than calories in vs out but also what you eat.  Now, with that said I can still lose eating those things just the weight loss is typically much, much slower.

I do think that we have been told so much about weight loss we are all confused.  Like the whole 1-2lb a week loss and how rapid weight loss is bad.  The facts are though, for bigger people a more rapid loss is NORMAL. Usually this is because their diets are packed with so much sodium they were retaining a ton of fluid.  Of course we know I still don’t get rapid weight loss much anyways lol.

However, I won’t shun someone for losing 3lbs or so in a week.  I don’t think the problem is really losing weight fast.  I think the problem is finding something that’s not a temporary fix.  When you eat in a temporary setting then your results will be temporary!  Period!  I hate when people say “diet” vs “life style” as if “diet” is such an evil word.  When in reality the word “diet” just means what you eat.

I don’t know why the word “life style” makes my eye roll but it totally does.  I say eat a diet that works for you that you can stick to there for yes, making it a life style.  Ick that word.  lol anyways, the hardest part is that dang ole’ temptation.  I know there are some that say this isn’t hard but man when you start cutting out a ton of foods it kind of is.  Especially, when it’s something you are just not use to.

However, it’s also not the hardest thing ever.  Weight loss in general can be for sure but the act of eating good food really isn’t.  It’s all about retraining your brain.  Which, hey, I am working on.  So for today, while the temptation was totally there I totally didn’t cave and went home and ate there.  1 point for Misty 0 for temptation! Yeah!

What was your most recent victory?

So many *New* things…

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Well, boy oh boy was this weekend eventful.  Not only did I get my van on Friday! Woot – Woot…  As many of you know my van crapped out on me.  We were not exactly expecting it but we were left to get something else.  We are cash family so this always makes my searches even harder.

BUT I found her!  She fits me perfectly.  We paid 3,300 for her (350 less than they were asking) and couldn’t be happier.  Miles isn’t too bad 120K especially for a used van.  Our last was about that and it lasted us 4 years.  And hey, can’t beat no car payment!  Here she is in all her glory!

my *new* van

I also went out with my bridesmaids on Saturday, paid for my dress and we found my bridesmaids dresses as well :) I am so excited!!!!  The wedding planning is slowly moving along.  We had a blast.

bmbmday

Now, on to find another job to pay for everything else to really start building back our savings! I did end up eating out a lot this weekend but to my surprise I didn’t gain so that’s nice.  I am not as low as I was earlier this month.  BUT I noticed that the 27th will more one month from when I started this and if you go by that I still have lost 5lbs!

So honestly, I can’t be upset!  I mean 5lbs in one month is still good.  So I am gonna keep trucking along!  :) The fact that I am not staying at least where I started is good.  I will weigh in on the 27th for my one month weigh in.  I was thinking I might actually do all my progress tracking by month vs by week.

So much changes in a day/week that I want to go by the over all progress not the up and downs.  I might even just make it where I just weigh in once a month but still not sure about that yet.  I don’t want to not weigh and I lose focus too at the same time the scale doesn’t always dictate weight loss.  For you can lose inches too which I have!

I went to buy my wedding dress on Saturday.  I put a deposit down at the beginning of the month and at that time the dress was snug and tight.  They said I would need a couple of inches on both sides.  This Saturday she said I need like one inch in the back!  Score!  So yay for inch loss!

Anyways… I hope you guys all had a great weekend like I did :) Please share what was the highlight of your weekend?

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