58 Weeks…. and Did I say a 5K in my future?

Tags

5k, diet, dirty run, fitness, Lose Weight, weight loss blog, working out

I will admit through out this past year I keep hoping my issue with weight loss is ME.  While, I have been able to lose here and there it doesn’t seem to stay.  I still though keep wanting to prove me wrong and so here we are.

I am not sure if I told you guys but we moved our wedding date.  We were suppose to get married in October but moved it June of 2014 as I talked about on my other blog.  Anyways, we did so for financial reasons and I feel really good about this.

This past week I counted the weeks.  That’s 58 weeks from now.  My secret goal is to lose 100lbs.  While it seems like a lot of weight (because it is) when you break it down it’s not so bad (about 1.7lb loss a week).  However, logically I will be happy for even 50lbs at this point!

I would *LIKE* to be a size 18 by the time we have the wedding.  But again with my health issues I am going to be open with all this.  There is no this or else.  I am just going along with goals in between (like my first major has been to get under 280 and stay under!).

So what am I doing to make this possible.  I am going to RELAX… I decided to make sure everyday I do some sort of exercise if I can but I have to at least work out 5 days a week.  I have found that when I do lose it’s ALWAYS when I am working out along of course with diet.

Second, diet…. My plan for that is simple.  Just eat less.  When I eat something I tell myself I have to eat half of what I normally would.  I’m not sure how well this will work (Though it worked great for my dad) but I feel it’s worth a try.  I think portions are a big deal.

I also know at times I can be an over eater.  So we shall see.  On Friday I will start back with the weigh in’s but I will have to keep mental notes about PMS and ovulation.  For the past year I ALWAYS have gained during this time but I always lose once AF arrives.  I need to just remind myself this during those times.

That way I won’t be so hard on me.

Last, I can’t say F it… I have and lord do I suck at challenges I am challenging myself to not say F it.  I can’t just say this plan isn’t working and just quit and do something else.  I have to just keep going and IF nothing is working then I just have to keep pushing with the doctors to find out WHY!

I have started making myself a bit more active by scheduling work outs’ with my online moms weight loss group I manage.  oh and um yeah, I am doing a Mud run 5k on September 7th.  This will be my first race EVER! Can you believe it? Not me!

One of the moms in my group wanted to go, I mentioned how D and I would love to try a race but funds are low.  Well, she opted to challenge me that if she paid I would go.  I accepted… EEEEKKKK…. After seeing the obstacles I totally had a what the F did I get myself into.  But ya know what.  even if I am the biggest person there I will do it

Here is the run I am doing - http://www.mudfactor.com/ I am excited, scared you name it!!!! Oh and we have a team which we have named ourselves the Dirty P.H.A.T Girls (any tips on this race would be totally appreciated).

I will not give up on me….

Death by Zumba…

So when I told my friend that my gym offered a zumba class that I could do as apart of my membership AND I could bring her for free It thought to myself, “this could be fun!”

Most of everyone I know that has done Zumba has loved it.  I mean I did try the pro for the Xbox 360 Zumba and it was kind of fun… I mean I liked it much better than Dance Central which kept telling how sucky of a dancer I was.

So I thought to myself “How bad can it be?”.

Well….

The class first gets delayed by 15 minutes because our instructor takes FOREVER to get there.  However, once she got there it was game time.  The the music starts and we start moving.

We start doing squats, jumping jacks, and more jumping…. All these fast moves and even more jumping.  I am sweating pretty quickly at this point and it really doesn’t feel like “Zumba”.

Either way I was ready to die!!!!  Then the instructor stops, tells everyone to take a small break and get water.  My friend and I do so and then I realize holy hell, that was just a warm up!

F@#%$….

So the salsa music begins and the instructor lady starts doing moves to which I begin to believe that her butt is not completely attached to her body.  I figured this must be the only way she can booty bump without moving anything above her belly button all while going in circles.

My body was very much confused by the fast pace of the music to my butt giggling in places a butt should NOT giggle among other things.  I had a few bouts of just standing there staring in the moment of Really????

Sorry my butt just can’t do that…. I am a perfectionist about this kind of think and if I can’t “get it” then I can’t get into it.  Besides that I can’t freaking breathe!  The room is hot!  I am dying slowly…..

My chest was getting pretty tight which was scary (this lead to the ER trip two days later).  My friend tells me that if I need to go we can.  I tried to keep going.  I noticed to two ladies behind me who once were there (who were about my size) are now gone.

I won’t lie it was a small victory… ha, I stayed longer than they did…. And then, I stood in the back.  The only validation I got was the one girl who was pretty small and looking like she was going to die, looking at me in the way of girl, I understand.

Shortly after I called it… 15 minutes into the actual Zumba and I was done…. I hate it… Infact, I was telling myself over and over again I will never do that again.  I felt stupid doing the moves, I know it didn’t look attractive lol.

Feeling like you are going to die is not much of a motivator to want to come back tomorrow lol….

I came home and the next day even googled…. I hate Zumba looking for some justification that I was not the only person who did not infact like Zumba.  I was quickly, justified after pages of pages of different types of people who they too were just not feeling it.

One personal trainer really said it the best though, she was taught when you teach a class you break down the exercise/dance and offer modifications.  I won’t lie something like this would have been very beneficial and maybe, my experience wouldn’t have been so bad!

All I know was my body was confused lol….

Now that I have had about a week to sit on it, I will say I probably would try another Zumba class again (probably not that one until I more fit) but I wouldn’t mind finding maybe a beginners? lol.

All in all it wasn’t the best of experiences and surely don’t know how overweight people do it and like it lmbo.

Anyways…. So that was my experience.

My hospital trip last night

Tags

clots, diet, fitness, PE, Pulmonary embolism, Weight loss

So the past few days I had noticed some shortness of breath.  Nothing terribly bad but enough to notice.  It totally made Zumba hard to do which I will talk about the Zumba experience tomorrow.

Anyways, after much thought given my medical history it was one of those better safe than sorry cases.  I started out at the outpatient clinic but they decided I needed further testing so sent me to the ER.

Luckily all is well.  They did not find any new clots, however, they did say even though they didn’t find any didn’t mean there were not any OR were any.  Given I am on the treatment already all is good.  AND a shout out to the nurse who did my IV I barely felt it and to boot, a few minutes after she did it, it hit me I had an IV.  Right before she walked out the room I gave her props for it!

I really didn’t want to go because I knew it was probably “nothing” but they insisted that it was a good thing, this way they can try to keep track of the clots if more come about.  As always was told if it comes back or gets worse to come back.

I was there from 3:30pm til about 1 something am.  It was a LONG day…. What made the experience even more fun is it’s a county hospital so all the crazy people go there (and I do mean crazy) and inmates as well… There were a few scary moments to say the least.

BUT I’m a live and “well”…. I am just thankful I wasn’t admitted I hate it there.  Tune in tomorrow to hear about my zumba experience.

 

I chopped off my hair!

You guys know I get bored with my hair… I guess since my body is so hard to change at least my hair isn’t… I haven’t went short in quiet some time but just felt a need for change! Plus I had some major dead ends that were bugging me!

So on Friday I just chopped it off.  D was a bit surprised but he really liked it.  So here is a little slide of my before and after and me basically taking a bunch of pictures of myself lol.

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Back to normal….

Tags

diet, fitness, Gluten Free, life style change, low carb, paleo, Weight loss

As usual AF comes and life goes back to normal.  The 10lb gain that appeared 3 weeks ago disappeared and I finally felt like me.  I really need to learn to just listen to myself instead of others.

I know each time I have PMS I gain around 10lbs give or take and that stays on my body until AF comes.  This has no bearing on what I eat or do.  Infact, I hate whatever the heck I wanted and still when AF came was down those 10lbs.

I am still going to see the doctor to make sure everything is okay.  My periods have been all over the place and I’m not sure why.  Either way since I am feeling normal life is back to normal.

Tonight I am doing the Zumba class for the first time with my bestie… So excited and a little scared lol I have never done this class before.  Eating is good today.  Things are good.

So happy Monday to everyone Here is to a new week!

Gone for now

For the time being I will not be posting for a while…. I have come to a point in this journey where until I get to the root of what is medically wrong with me despite what we know (who knows my thyroid could be off again), of why everything I am doing is only working for a short while (and even then it’s a pretty slow loss).  I think I am going to refrain from blogging.

I am tired of trying to explain my story.  For those who have not read I ask you read where it started, from there you can read all about the birth of my babies (which my third is when things got bad and the health issues really started to arise), you can also learn about hypothyroidism that I have and the pulmonary embolisms and my journey on finding out about my blood disorder Factor V Leiden which is when we found the clots in my lugs.

I don’t claim to be perfect.  BUT have educated myself A LOT in the world of nutrition.  I have seen numerous doctors and while many are concerned most were not in the field to help me (if that makes sense).  I have since then come to the conclusion I we will be a self pay patient to get a full hormonal panel to rule out any other possible issues, deficiency, PCOS, or anything else we may have over looked.

This process is new for me.  Before when I was bigger (not nearly this big) I COULD lose weight it was just about doing it, putting in the work.  However, ever since the clot issue I am having a very hard time.  I am struggling with weight gaining up to 7lb’s in a day (this is NOT normal).  However, I am happy to report my clots seem to be MUCH better.  I have not had breathing issues in quiet some time and work outs are getting easier (it’s still hard to do things at the gym but I can do them).

I just don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.  I am on edge and coming to the end of my rope at this point trying to figure out exactly what we (my spouse and I) need to do to move forward with this.  So with that said until I feel like I can be a more “positive” poster I will refrain.

Thank you to those who have supported me.

Will I be FAT forever?

Tags

diet, Gluten Free, Lose Weight, low carb, paleo, Weight loss

Yesterday I was sick… Like REALLY sick.  I felt horrible.  Today I feel MUCH better than I did yesterday that’s for sure!  While I am not a 100% it’s good to know I am feeling more “normal”.

Anyways, so the past couple of days I was going to post but it wasn’t anything positive and I haven’t been too positive lately.  I figured I would just wait for AF because it’s amazing how hormones change how you feel!

So because of that I didn’t want my hormones to go overboard in how I feel if that makes sense?  So I thought before I post any more pity me posts I would wait until AF came.

Well she isn’t here but I have to say it…. I am afraid of being FAT forever!

There, I said it.  I mean this is a full on fear.  Earlier this post was going to be my “I quit”.   I have to admit a year on this journey has been tiring.  I say a year because while I attempted to lose weight in the past and have at times succeeded and failed.

This is was the first time I really busted my ass for it.  They say that sometimes things happen to make you see…. Well the thing was I HAD lost quiet a bit of weight years ago.

Then out of no where it started to come back.  I accepted for the longest it must be my wacky thyroid.  I had no money to see a doctor to fix my meds.  I accepted this as my life!  I was just going to be fat!

After me almost dying with the pulmonary edema and then ended up with clots in my lungs 6 months after that I decided I couldn’t accept being fat.  I must find out what was causing the gain.

I knew something was wrong once my thyroid got normal and I still wasn’t losing weight.  I was doing everything right!  I worked out, I logged (like seriously logged) everything I ate.  I did everything they tell you too.

And yet I wasn’t really going anywhere at all.  I was at loss.  I as mad, upset, furious!  Why me?  Why is it you, as in god gave me this sign that I NEED to do this and yet, I am getting NO WHERE.

Doctor after doctor was concerned but none with an answer.  Some have judged me thinking that I am just eating tons of food.  Have I been perfect this past year? No, not at all.  But several times I have really put in so much into this for a few months later all the sudden my body rebels.

I am at loss.  I can’t break free… I cannot for the life of me lose this weight AND KEEP IT OFF.  As I cry, I realize is this my life?  What if they don’t find it?  What if I die first?  Is this really my destiny?

Why is it everyone else can just eat less and lose, or work out for 30 minutes and lose?  Why cant that be me?  Yes, I am having a pitty party.  Why?  Because it’s hard okay! It’s HARD.

I hate it, I hate looking at myself, I hate shopping for clothes, I hate feeling my body…. I hate it all… I want to look smaller and healthier.  Screw love yourself for who you are, I don’t.  I just don’t.

You be 200lb, 300lb, 400lb or 500lb’s way more than you EVER imagined and tell me how you would feel?  Yes, there are things I still like about myself, but my body, no I don’t like it.  Maybe I am wrong for it.  But it is what it is.

I feel stuck… I pray that once AF comes things will lighten up and I can look back and say man was that a hormonal mess but in the moment right now, this road is looking longer and more distant than ever before.

I got a case of the sickies

Tags

diet, fitness, Lose Weight, low carb, paleo, tummy virus, weight loss blog

So my lovely dh has given me apparently a tummy bug that hit me at 4:30 am this morning.  It was very much a surprised and it’s been a while since I had one like this.

Let me tell you know how like on Tuesday I was 300 yeah well I weighed myself a bit ago after sleeping for a while with the baby and I was 291 (I was 300 yesterday too) THAT’S a lot of fluid!

I don’t expect it to say off by all means just pointing out how much I have lost in one day… lol Gotta love the tummy virus diet? Right? ugh.  So anyways, I would have better content today but well, I just don’t feel good so I am going to go back to my comfy couch and lay with my baby and watch cartoons

Weighed In Today

Tags

AF, blog, diet, losing weight, PMS, weight gain, Weight loss

So depressing, Last week I was 293 today I was 300.6 really??? Heck I was 297 just yesterday!   AF is due any day now so I know this should go back down.  17 days ago I was 289 and happy then PMS came and was mean!

Normally, this excess goes away and I should return at or close to the 289 but still. It feels like two weeks a month I get NO progress.  So I really only have like 2 weeks if that to lose weight.

It’s really really OMG REALLY annoying.  Those two weeks really F with my mind.  But good news is the challenge is over that I had with my mom’s group.  Today I am only 2lbs from when I start but if you go by 17 days ago LMBO I had lost 13lbs.

Anyways, since the challenge is over once PMS hits I will not weigh in until after AF comes.  This way I don’t have to freak out lol.  I KNOW I WILL gain and I also know once AF comes I WILL lose.  But it still plays tricks on the mind so I would rather avoid the scale those days.

In the mean time I will just keep doing what I gotta do.  Hopefully in the coming months when I will be able to see a different doctor maybe, just maybe we will get some freaking answers.

Weight Loss is Hard

Tags

AF, blog, diet, fitness, PMDD, weight gain, Weight loss

I know many say it’s easy… But for me, it’s not!  It’s hard work.  It’s hard to know what is working for you, your lifestyle, and your body.  Sometimes, I feel defeated when I do everything right and I don’t get anywhere.

I get annoyed when I see people surpass me doing far less.  I get jealous and won’t lie about it.  It’s wrong but it’s still there.  I then go into self sabotage mode which is stupid because it just makes everything worse and accomplishes nothing.

That’s how I feel.  The two weeks before AF are so bad.  My moods are everywhere, I am bloated, I crave crap, I feel horrible, I don’t want to work out and when I do it’s not even satisfying, I’m negative and just flat-out BLAH!

It’s annoying.  I hate it, I don’t want to be like this.  But man it’s so hard to change!  I have looked up things for PMDD most treatments I have found also require birth control which I can’t take.  But there has to be a solution somewhere.  I mean who can have one “normal” week a month.

Being a girl sucks sometimes.  Ugh…. Either way, it’s Monday.  My goal for this week is to not be so hard on myself! What’s your goals this week?