Been MIA

I know that’s been the norm around here…. I don’t have the best of excuses really other than starting this new job it’s been hard to get into a good routine.  My Monday – Friday consists of:

  • Get up at 6am
  • Leave for work by 6:40
  • Get to work and start about 7:45
  • Work until 5:30 ish
  • Get home around 6:15 ish
  • Start dinner
  • Try to have dinner done and served before 8pm
  • Watch a little tv
  • By 8:00-8:30 put down the 3 yr old
  • 9pm it’s time for the big kids to go to bed
  • 9 to 10 pm it’s time for momma to go to bed.

I am sure as you can see there isn’t much time there in between.  I know many say if you want XYZ bad enough you will make it happen sometimes makes me wonder their busy schedule, body and patterns?  Because let me explain, getting up already right now at 6am is a chore for me.  I am NOT a morning person.  It’s just who I am….

D gets up at 4:40 everyday to hit the gym by 5am.  I get it, but guess what?  He lives just fine off of 4-5 hours of sleep.  I DON’T like not.at.all.  Just ask D… He will tell you….  Evil things happen when I am sleep deprived….

Then you have the getting home part, seriously during the week the ONLY time I have to do anything is that hour before bed most days.  While, I get that choice and it’s mine I like having it with my family and winding down.

Now, this isn’t a forever routine, we are hoping once I get another car I change my hours and get off an hour earlier which will make things a little better.  Given I already get up at 6am (because D and I share a car so I have to get up earlier) I have that down now having an extra hour in the afternoon would be AWESOME!

So with that said! lol I haven’t been around because think about it if I am saying I have a hard time working out then when do I have time to also blog?

But we all know that getting healthy isn’t just about working out!  I know this and you know this.  What I don’t seem to know is to be frankly honest how someone can eat under 2500 calories a day (and yes I have counted and usually it’s even under 2500) and yet still weigh at or over 300lbs?  It just boggles me! Like today at 3:30 I am at 880 calories… It’s not like I eat buckets of food here! ugh.

I guess I assume to be 300lbs I would have to eat much more than 2500 calories.  By science I know I would.  Even doing simple things like cutting carbs only works short term.  I don’t quiet understand it.  I know there HAS to be a formula (aside from just stop eating lol) that has to work for me.  Something I can fit into my daily life and is sustainable?  Right?  Sigh, who knows at this point…

Anyways, I just wanted to let you guys know I am still here :)

Body Shaming

I wasn’t sure at first what to name this post because when I write I just write on the top of my head.  So my title tends to be first and I write from there.  At first I thought i would write about fat shaming but that didn’t really fit because I wanted to really address skinny shaming too.  However, that name didn’t work either because the post wasn’t really going to be about skinny shaming fully either!

So then I realized what do these two have in common?  They are both a form of body shaming!  Perfect!  So, check on title…. Now to write all my thoughts, which mind you, probably will be all over the place because I feel my writing always is.

So let’s talk about it.  Let’s talk about body shaming.

I have been reading a lot of articles lately about skinning shaming.  I will be the first to admit that I too had my own thoughts of “skinny girls”.  Now, I put that in quotes because the thing is, what is skinny to me may not be to you and vice versa.  For me, like most people, I have an idea of what lets say the “perfect” body is.

Ya know, that body type where you know that person has it made?  And ya know what?  They just might.  While, (as I read in a previous article) they may never face any of the struggles that I have ever faced and they have more privileges than I do, I am not winning any battles by shaming them either for something that well, they were born with OR something they fought to have!

I have been currently obsessed with the song All about the bass…. Like seriously, this song plays in my head over and over all day long.  I have a small obsession for it.  But at first, I wasn’t sure about it because I feared my new favorite song may offend my skinny or no “bass” friends.

Am I telling them that their men won’t love them as much if they don’t have much booty to rub at night?  Or will they be upset because I called them a skinny bitch that “I know you think you’re fat but I am here to tell you every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top”?  I mean the last phrase was positive right?

I am constantly trying to be that person that is aware of others and their feelings.  I just don’t want to hurt others.  I have had too many people in my life hurt mine and I just don’t want to continue that trend!

So I have learned to be more aware.  But here is the thing if you want me to be completely and perfectly honest yes, I do feel like this world is more difficult being fat.  And yes, I have had my fair share of hating on skinny girls.

I forever will want to slap my old skinny self for ever calling myself fat when I damn sure was NOT!  I think it’s almost an insult to fat people.  Because to a fat person it’s you saying, oh, tell me how non fat I am.  But with that said what I failed to see just as I did, that bad body image is not size prejudiced.  Any person of any size can be a victim.

But yes, sometimes I feel that skinnier people face less crap than fat people!

Phew, there, I said it!

Does that mean I don’t think people of other shapes and sizes don’t have it hard?  No, not at all actually.  Just I have been on both sides, I have been smaller (but not what I consider skinny but not fat either) and I am much larger.

I got to see a little bit of what both worlds are like.  While, I can’t contest to those who are the smaller scale (lets say below the “average”) I hate saying words like “super skinny” but I am sure you get my drift, I do also think their fight must be much like mine.

Both of us have problems finding clothes in our size, clothes that fit right with out a need of alteration, both have people who say rude things, both can have the opposite sex turn away from us, both feel like they should be mindful of what they eat in front of people, and both can feel like an outcast.  Not “normal”.

While, yes, models can get by being a 100lbs and 5’9 an average woman who are that small would get ridiculed her whole life with very inappropriate comments.   I never really understood this world until I had friends who were much smaller than I was.  I envied them for so long but as I get older I am seeing this shift.

This shift that they are not pretty, they are too small, need meat on their bones, and all these comments I think to myself;  it’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.  It seems unless you have that in between body you are just not good enough.

We are both being body shamed!

If you were to ask me what I felt were my limitations vs a skinny person.  How I felt almost disabled to the world as a larger woman I would say that:

  • Jobs seem harder to get
  • People try not to look at you and when they do it’s almost as if they are disgusted by you
  • Amusement parks are terrifying because you fear you won’t be able to ride the rides because you can’t fit or meet weight limits.  In fact anything with a weight limit is scary
  • You calculate your weight and the type of chairs you sit in.  And fear them because if one breaks as a skinny person it’s funny because the chair broke if you break a chair as a fat person is “obvious” your fat ass broke it and now your weight is a joke even if that’s not exactly why the chair broke!
  • Exercise is embarrassing for many reasons one being fat likes to bounce EVERYWHERE!
  • When you do exercise and you are slow you are now considered “weak” and “too fat” when in reality I am strong because it’s hard to move 300lbs you asshole!
  • I am embarrassed for my children, I fear their friends will make fun of me around them and how that will effect them.
  • I fear my body will cause my daughters to worry about their weight, suffer eating disorders or fear to be like me.
  • Clothes are SO hard to buy, expensive and tend to look like something you would wear to bed.  I don’t get all these sheer fabrics (seriously this does nothing for my figure) or clothing that sticks to you.  I swear fat people don’t make these clothing lines it’s obvious!
  • Wearing a bathing suit is like putting a big sign on yourself saying hey, look at this fat person in a suit and don’t you dare wear anything that shows skin or that’s just asking for people to make sure they know just how disgusted they are by you.
  • And omg wedding dress shopping out side of say a Davids Bridal seems like a nightmare! While yes, skinny girls don’t always fit and have to pin the dress to the back I went to stores that didn’t even have dresses I could try on at all.  At least the latter could get an idea I had to guess!

I seriously could go on and on but the thing is I learned this past week actually, was that some of those things I caused MYSELF.

What I didn’t know was that sometimes taking charge and being confident gives you a shield.  A body shaming shield.  It’s amazing.  When people see you feeling pretty, you wear clothing that makes you feel good, and you present yourself in a confident manner people welcome you.

I learned that being fat didn’t mean I couldn’t be attractive or that people couldn’t see past it.  While, I still have limitations I control much of what people think of me still in many ways.  Confidence no matter you size is attractive to people.

But here is the thing, we are never going to move forward as people (woman AND men) if we don’t stop shaming bodies.  Big OR small!  Yes, health is always a factor.  But who are you or any one else to tell me what is beautiful and that I’m not?  Who is anyone to tell me I can only be beautiful if I look like “insert size here”?  Who is anyone to tell me what my body should really look like?

We have become so obsessed with looks that sometimes I feel it’s all we care about.  Yes, looks play a role!  I know this will probably always be.  Yes, when I put on make up and dress nice I get better responses than when I wear sweats.  No doubt, that’s true.  But I think sometimes it’s not just because I have make up on or a dress but more so because I look like I am happier too.

I think how you feel radiates off of you.  I have seen plenty big woman who I have envied were wearing nice clothing, had nice make up, pretty hair and were flat-out beautiful, smart, fun woman.  And I thought, why can’t I be like that.  Confident in my own skin and that’s what hit me.  

No matter your size we HAVE to be comfortable in our skin.  This is a challenge for those who have been body shamed.  How do I change all those bad thoughts other people have put into my head?  Society tells me that my weight is unhealthy, that I am a risk, that I am not beautiful at this size.  How can one then turn around and say yeah, well I am beautiful so what of it?

Where is the line?  Why can’t I love myself big?  Why can’t it be maybe I am trying to lose weight because I want to live longer? Because I know the weight is bad for my body BUT that weight doesn’t make me a bad person.  Doesn’t mean I am not beautiful and what my body does is not beautiful.  Why does being big have to mean that I too must be ugly, lazy and shameful?

Because the fact is if someone shamed you all the time you wouldn’t find you very beautiful either.  In fact you would do one of two things, 1. wallow in pity and continue what you are doing and feel bad about yourself and feel helpless or 2. you will do what ever possible to be accepted even if it’s not healthy.  Because that’s what it all comes down to is acceptance!

We all want to be accepted!  So why not?

Today I want you to challenge yourself and try to see people for just who they are not just the outside.  Look at them and find something positive about them and then tell them.  Don’t be so quick to judge, we don’t know each person story and struggles.  Don’t assume you know either.  Just ask yourself with your thoughts, “how would I feel if someone said or thought this of me”? Try to put yourself in their shoes.  Take some time to talk to people of all walks of life.  There is so much more to people than the shell of body you see!

I challenge you to see past someone’s body and get to know the person inside!  Let’s stop the body shamming of any size!

What a week!

So this week I started my new job (hence my silence).  It’s been a pretty long week for me.  Adjusting to getting up early and working 8 plus hour shifts away from home has been interesting.

For the past four years I have been home and two of those years working from home.  But I will say that I really like my new job.  It’s strange because it’s the first job that I have ever liked from like day one!

Even the job I previously had the day I walked in there I was ready to walk right back out.  I think for the most part I was allured by their money giving vs the actual job.  But this place I really seem to like it.

It’s nothing fancy or anything.  The company needed a billing department so they hired me and another girl to create one.  So it’s neat because we are not replacing people so the only place now to go is the top lol.  So yeah that’s been exciting.

Sadly, with the new job, hours, traffic and tons of excuses I could give you that I know you could tell me is just excuses everything concerning weight loss hasn’t been as much on my for thoughts.

It’s still there though.  My hours were kind of all over this week for training but next week I am supposed to get on a set schedule and hopefully, I can restart my couch to 5 K which since I only did 2 days of week one so far makes sense.

I also need to get my eating in check.  For some reason when working eating food I bring is a hard thing for me to do.  But luckily for me the girl I work with likes to bring hers too so, we just sit, eat and chat.  Which is nice!

It’s all process and I think that’s what I will call this year a PROCESS!

Hopefully, we will get in a good routine and I get a nice order with things and get a 100% back on track!  Anyways, it’s Friday so I hope you enjoy your week and I… Well, I plan to catch up on some much-needed sleep!

Goals the process

victoryI believe to be successful in life you MUST have goals.  Short term, mid-term and long-term goals.  I have lots of goals, from my family life, marriage life (which I have started a new blog about), to yes, of course my weight loss.  I even set work goals.  I am one of those “goal oriented” people.  The problem with them is really the follow through.  I think this is partly because I set such big goals.

Big goals are good.  I think it means you don’t dream small!  And believe me, I don’t dream small!  But, the problem is anything big takes a bunch of small steps in between.  This has been a process I have been slowly learning.  I think this is where the whole patience is virtue thing comes into play?  Patience is NOT one of my stronger points…  As I get older I find I get more and more of it but like everything “it’s all a process”….

This year think I was a little hopeful and then it went to discouraged and then from there to feeling completely defeated.  I won’t lie.  A part of me felt that I was done with this journey.  I really felt like I need to accept this is my “new” body.  That doctors will not be able to help and if they couldn’t find out what was wrong, maybe it was me.  Because, I couldn’t figure out the solution on my own and I was ready to just give up.  Not because I didn’t want to lose weight or to be healthier.  But because it was tearing me apart.  This journey was causing me so much pain inside.  I felt like it wasn’t healthy.

So I stopped…

caution

I stopped going to the gym, I stopped watching everything I ate.  And yes, I gained (not much honestly), but, I still wasn’t happy.  I know losing weight will not cure everything.  Truthfully, I don’t expect it to.  I just want to feel like “me”.  Which I personally don’t.  I see my face and that’s me but my body still feels very foreign to me.

I needed a change.

I wasn’t sure at first what to do?  Do I do the elimination thing again?  I mean, that did help but I won’t lie it’s hard to do long-term.  I know the saying anything worth while isn’t easy.  But, I live in the real world and here in my world I don’t expect everything to always be easy but I know me…. And the me I know needs to have some easy once in a while.  That life style just wasn’t getting any easier lol.  I bow to those who can do it….

So I knew I had to do something different.  I knew all the things I have tried that have failed.  But I kept looking at old photo’s and then the photo’s I have been slowly getting of the wedding and one thing rang true that even though I don’t weigh much different from I did months to years ago I looked healthier, happier, and oddly enough thinner when I was working out.  I can actually tell by photos when I was working out vs when I was not.

It’s amazing really.  I doubt others can see it, but I sure could!  So, I thought to myself. “Self, why are you being so stubborn”? The answer was, I was just mad.  I was mad at the process.  I felt like why should I work out if I wasn’t getting results.  But that’s where I was wrong!  I was getting results.  It just wasn’t exactly the results I wanted at the time.  So then I thought, well, what can I do to be happy.  I knew that working out tend to make me feel really good about myself.  I felt stronger.

For months I had fallen victim of wasting my money on a monthly gym membership I wasn’t using.  In reality it wasn’t that I didn’t want to go.  Many times I did.  I just knew a few things:

1.   After doing boot camp and loving it so much the thought of working out on a treadmill again made me feel like a hamster in a caged wheel!

2.  I didn’t trust myself to do weights properly on my own and while D offered to help I could see he wasn’t getting the results he too wanted and thought well if he isn’t getting results then how can he give me results.

3.  I just didn’t know what I wanted to do at the gym.

4.  I was embarrassed for giving up

I know it may sound silly or even like excuses.  But the thing is I am a planner.  I like to know what I am doing, how to do it, and all the lovely details.  But if you just throw me at the gym with no guidance I feel like a lost puppy.  Not to mention lately D has been working out for like 2 hours at a time when he goes and well, I really don’t want to be in the gym that long!  So I had to figure something out for myself.

I knew that running is something I shouldn’t do much of.  However, I thought to myself doctors have sucked at telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.  I have this burn to run, even though I hate running and I didn’t know why other than I should be running.  I also knew how miserable I was during my first 5K.  I seriously couldn’t understand WHY people do these races while I was running the race.  I also didn’t understand how I could walk 4 plus miles a day for quite some time and yet during the 5K I felt like I was hit by a truck!

What I failed to do which is what ever runner told me to do and I thought in my know it all self mind that, I could do this without training!  Boy was I dumb.  So yes, folks those of you who told me to train and I fought you, I am telling you right now, YOU WERE RIGHT!  I hate admitting when I am wrong, but I will and so there… lol.  But you were.  I knew after my first 5k that there is a huge difference in walking 4 plus miles and trying to actually run a 5K.

This is for many reasons:

1.  You get competitive and you try to “over do it”

2.  You don’t want to be the last person

3.  You are so pumped at the time being around so many people and the atmosphere you feel like you could run a 10k or heck a half marathon until you get to like your first .6 mile and you are like wtf was I thinking??? Can someone give me a wheel chair and push me the rest of the way?  Sigh, lesson learned.

running

So being the planner that I am I needed a plan!  I had been following my photographer friend Stefani who has been posting her fan page about her progress.  for a while and she was doing the C25K.  Each photo I felt more and more inspired.  I have many running friends.  For some reason it was her that inspired me.  I liked the app she was using, so I looked it up and thought about trying it out myself.  As I mentioned in my post here the process.  I finally took the plunge and started!

I knew with the running program I would be running just 3 days a week, I still had other days to fill with some kind of activity.  With my thyroid it’s important that I actually do some time of work out daily.  Typically, this also means I have to do more than what the average person has to do as well.  But remember, this is a process and in this process I have to stop comparing.  So, my journey will be harder, so what? I will survive it!  So I knew I had to come up with the rest.

Week one is easy focus JUST on the running.  I don’t want to over load myself and get too excited.  So my goal for week two (which is this week)…. Is to venture back into the gym.  I haven’t decided yet what I want to do just yet.  I have thought about going back to boot camp but doing it only twice a week or so.  But I am not sure yet at this point.  I won’t lie, apart of me is embarrassed.  Having to come back, look the same, been gone for months.  I just expected more of myself and I let me down and I guess I feel like I let my little gym rats down too :(.

Logically, I know they are just happy I would be back.  It’s my own demons I am really fighting and my own insecurities! Don’t let YOU beat you down! Which is what I was doing.  My other goal this week is eating.  It’s a simple go.  Make smarter choices and consciously pay attention to what I put in my mouth.  I am not going to count a darn thing right now and won’t say I won’t in the future, just like I won’t say I won’t weigh in ever.  But right now this week…. My goal is just simple.  Run, workout and think about what I eat before I eat it… Simple, easy, goals!

So what’s your goals this week?  

Why looks can be deceiving

UntitledI don’t care who you are, how big or small you are, we all have seen shocking before and after photos.  Many of use these photo’s as inspiration to help motivate us to lose weight.  I know I have!

I don’t think these are horrible images to look at and even I have been inspired at times.  It wasn’t until a few weeks ago when I held my pants next to me that it dawned on me just how miss leading some pictures really can be.  I noticed how easily a picture can make it appear as if you have lost weight even though you may have not lost a single pound.

Now, I am not talking about just sucking in, wearing different colored clothing, different angles, photo-shop, etc.  No, actually, this is MUCH more simple than that!  One of the biggest factors for me gaining weight so quickly was looking at clothing and thinking surely I can fit into that.  “It’s huge!” I would think to myself.  Surely, I am smaller than that!  To then my disappointment when I try on the said article of clothing and it’s too small!  I thought in my mind “how can this be”? I mean, I don’t look that big do I?

For the longest I thought this was just an image issue.  I saw myself smaller than I was.  While, I was correct that I did view myself smaller than I was that wasn’t entirely the issue.  I picked up a pair of pants and put it next to me and saw myself in the mirror.  Right then I saw an ad.

Looking in the mirror it looks like these pants are MUCH too big for me.  But in reality they fit me actually pretty well.  So I wanted to show you this.  Not to say all before and after photo’s are wrong or liars.  Because, I would like to believe that most are not.  But to really show how some can really be misleading.  To show maybe we should focus more on ourselves and our own journey instead of seeking validation from someone else?

So in the photo below you will see a picture of myself that I had my daughter take of me (discard the crap of stuff my kids left in the corner that I just noticed).  I am holding up a pair of jeans that I own.  Now when you look at this photo.  It appears (at least to me, you be the judge) that these pants are big correct?  They appear to be larger than myself.

IMG_8605

But then here is me minutes later actually wear them.  As you can see they are not huge on me.  In fact, they fit me pretty well.  Aside from being a little long and just a tiny space in the waist to spare (believe me not much) these pants fit.  Do you not agree?

IMG_8612

 

My thought process with this is, I don’t want people to look at themselves and think that these pictures they see define their journey.  Because, we don’t know anything about these types of photos.  Nor, do we really know anything about the person and their journey.  While, I think looking at before and after photo’s can be very inspiring and I encourage them. I just don’t focus entirely on them.  Because looks can be deceiving.  And well, objects maybe larger than they appear!

I looked like in the 1st photo that I have lost weight in really, I didn’t at all.  I didn’t have to get pants that were bigger than me to give this illusion.  I just had to hold them in front of me.  Although, I will admit I won’t look at pictures where people hold pants in front of themselves in before and after photo’s the same ever again lol…. I think I will stick to the ones where they are wearing the old pair of pants lol.  So that is my PSA for the day!

Changes In The Air!

IMG_20140729_191825When I first started my journey one of my first changes was fitness.  I have found when you start focusing on fitness the rest kind of goes with it.  I find when I work out I try to eat better.  I know many who work out to eat junk, but for me it inspires me to eat better.  But it’s still a process.  The eating better doesn’t typically happen overnight.

So what are my new changes you ask?  Well, first I am not weighing myself.  This change isn’t about one single number.  I am just making better choices in my life slowly!  This can be by how I look, dress, eat, and work out!  My first step was yesterday.  Well, actually, I am incorrect!  My first step has been months in the making by wanting to try this journey again, from there I downloaded C25k on my phone, then I got headphones for my phone, and then downloaded songs I wanted to listen to….

All these things pumped me to get ready.  Because the fact is, it’s a process!  I can’t just jump into all of this!  I know that doesn’t work for me.  Finally yesterday I did day one of C25K.  All in all it wasn’t bad.  But it was only a total of 1.5 miles including warmup.  But again this isn’t about numbers

IMG_20140729_202333I am not preparing for any races (although, I did think about it) this is just purely to see what my body can really do with training.  I got frustrated a few times because I couldn’t run a full minute.  Sometimes I couldn’t run at all.  Sometimes my “brisk” walk, was a slow walk.  But like I said- it’s all a process!  The good news is today I can’t wait for tomorrow to try again!  Which I find to be progress!

Hello my friends

Long time no see these days.  I know I haven’t been here regularly as you all know!  I have been in such a pickle these days.  I lost my job right before our wedding which put us in a huge financial bind.  So the past several weeks have been filled with a bunch of stress!  However, I hoping this week everything will change.  I have went on quite a bit of interviews lately.  Yesterday I had a pleasant surprise interview.   So the plan was 3 possible interviews.  I had one actually scheduled with a temp agency, the other two were also temp places but they said to come in when available that day type deal.  I would take the testing and all that jazz (gotta love temp agencies) they both were interested in me as well.  So after temp agency number 1 which went quite well however, the position was a little farther than I would like in a direction that it is a bit out of our way.

 

So after the first interview while I was sitting in my car about to prepare to go to the next place I get a call from a job I applied for online.  Turns out they were just minutes from where I was at so I asked if I could meet with them right then and they were all for it!  So off I went.  The interview went so well I was asked if I could come back at 1 for a second interview with another guy.  So I had lunch with D and came back met with the second person who then wanted me to meet with a third person.  They sent my paper work off to get a background check done.  The last lady said she wasn’t sure where they were in the process of interviews but I should know something by Friday but to know I was the first person she has met so far so that was a good sign she said. lol.  I really do want this job!  So fingers crossed!  I really hope I didn’t spend over 3 hours at this place for nothing and blew off the other two temp agencies.  (well, I told them I couldn’t make it that day which was fine).  But still…. I told her I will be employed one way or another by Monday so it can be with them or someone else but this will happen! lol she was like wow that’s bold but I am glad you are confident that’s good!

So we shall see…. I  have a few posts up my sleeve that I am working that I will be posting soon but in the mean time I thought I would give a quick update.  I hope all is well…..

Waves Hi I’m still here

I know I haven’t been around much.  Some days I want to post and I have lots to say and other days I am like eh, what’s the point….

I’m not really depressed although I am sure it does sound like it.  I think I have just come into a crossroads with my weight.  I feel like my body is fighting against me and I am fight against it.  I feel like the only things that seem to work which are things I don’t want to do.  And well, frankly I haven’t had anything as of yet work long-term either way.  I know plenty that does work for others.  But I also know I am not like the others.

A normal person can eat less food go for a walk and lose weight.  Well, not this person.  I am by far the “normal” person.

I keep thinking back 3 years ago when I was in the hospital and they took a total of 70lbs of fluid off of me.  Now granted I had just had a baby so some of that could be baby who knows.  I was 50lbs less than I am now.  Those 50lbs came back in a few short months.  50lbs of fluid just comes right back.  I think to myself what kind of diet takes off 50lbs of fluid?  But more so there is medical documentation that this weight was taken off and now is back on and yet no one wants to acknowledge or explain these 50lbs.

I mean here is the thing we know that 50lbs was NOT fat obviously…. So that means it IS fluid.  So here is the thing how on earth do you lose fluid long-term and the biggest question why was it there in the first place?  I mean how much of me is actual fluid?  These are questions that neither I nor the medical community can answer.  And yet, all they (the medical community) focuses on is how to lose weight.  But they all treat it like I am someone who just has this mass of fat.  But, what if it’s not fat?  I mean I am sure some of it is.

My doctor whom I haven’t got to see in a while due to financial reasons even said she believes all I am doing is gaining and losing fluid and yet I feel her plan doesn’t signify that problem.  In fact as time passed I was more confused by it.  She wanted me to go lower carb but also count calories too.  Which I will admit I detest counting (or logging in myfitnesspal).  I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be impulsive behavior.  Worrying and counting every single morsel that goes into my body.  While I know many live by this I find it to be greatly draining and mind fucking to be honest.  It’s like weighing yourself daily.  And the biggest mindfuck of all is I have to depend the calories on the label are right and guess what?  What if they are not?  Because I am pretty sure they are not just estimates and then my OCD brain is like no, that doesn’t work that is not exact measurements.  It’s incorrect and I will not do incorrect.

yes, I understand this is probably messed up logic but hey it’s how my brain operates.  The thing is I really don’t think it should have to be that difficult.  I would much prefer someone just tell me WHAT to eat with limits (like for breakfast you need, 5 oz of meat, 1cup of carb, 1 cup of veggies) that kind of thing.  THAT I can do that I can follow.  That won’t make me want to pull my hair out or try to cook a meal and then turn into a mathematician on figuring portion size and serving size.  I need to the point simple with out compulsion.

I am sure this plan exists lol.  Either way in my experience no matter the plan my weight does the same thing.  Goes up and then back down and up and back down.  It’s a roller coaster.  I have gone to the point of learning to just be content.  While I picture myself smaller I think how can I move to point B when we can’t even figure out point A (why I weigh what I do).  So it’s hard to blog about it because right now I feel stuck in this journey and I really just don’t have the desire to put a 100% in it anymore like I did when I started this journey almost 3 years ago now.  It makes me sad at times because it’s like why didn’t it just work then because I was ready to kick ass???? But hey can’t dwell on the things you can’t change so.

Getting back on track

Man, let me tell you what?  It’s HARD to get back on track when you have been out of the game for several months.  Not to mention I have started a new job and well there is a lot of not so great temptation there…. Like chocolate and lots of fast food lol…. I keep telling myself, I can do this and just not eat XYZ and yet what do I do?  I eat it…. Ugh.  Slaps hand.  Shame shame Misty!  Shaking my head.  It’s such a hard process.  I am starting to figure out how I will do a work out routine here soon so that should be good.  I am hoping to start getting back in to exercising regularly and I have found usually the helps jump-start the good eating. We shall see!

The wedding is coming up and coming fast.  I won’t lie I have a had a few break downs here and there.  I totally see why people elope even though I totally did so the first go round and well, hated it.  BUT that was before I ever had to plan a wedding.  Seriously, it’s no joke.  Wedding planners are worth every penny in my book because this job sucks!  All in all I know the night will go so fast and all we will have his pictures. Seems kind of crazy to spend so much for a few hours of fun but hey you live once right?

So I started a new job a few weeks ago.  Things haven’t went exactly like planned but all in all I am hopeful this could be a good fit for our family.  It’s frustrating how hard we work to get a head and we constantly feel like we are never a head but I know that god has a plan so I keep trying to just stick with it all.  But I won’t lie it’s a bit draining.  I kind of ask myself when is it my turn?  But I can’t complain too much.  I have four healthy children.  A man I love who loves me and well, I may not be the healthiest but I’m alive!

I am hoping this year will be my year to figure this stuff out and if not well there is another whole year waiting.  I will figure something out I am sure!  Hopefully lol….. So Yeah, hopefully I will have a little more time these days to write and I think it helps with my accountability.  Maybe I need some no chocolate buddies?  Anyone willing to shout at me for eating chocolate on a daily basis? lol   Yeah? No? alright!  Well it’s late and I really must go to bed but until then I hope all you peeps out there have a great weekend! :)

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